Jews getting into trouble- In defense of gender roles and orthodoxy

I know, I know, what else is new?

If you haven't yet seen, there's this floating around the internet:
http://www.boingboing.net/2011/05/09/brooklyn-based-newsp.html
http://www.jpost.com/International/Article.aspx?ID=219660&R=R1
http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2011/05/hasidic-paper-removes-hillary-clinton-from-osama-picture-567.html

Oy. Its pretty obvious from reading these articles, and from viewing the photo, that whoever the editor is at this yiddish newspaper...
1. Has entirely too much time on his hands. He photoshopped IN the guy next to Hilary's entire torso. A better use of that time might have been finding a different photo that doesn't have women so as to both not picture women in their newspaper AND not cause the entire world to hate Jews again, some more.
2. Is likely in some legal trouble for altering the photo against the original photo's direct terms of use.
3. Has never heard of journalistic integrity.

However, I am far more concerned by a what the rest of the country is thinking right now, not what the nutjobs who decided the post the doctored picture think. Quite frankly its scary. Jews in America, and the world overall, have a bit of a PR problem. Even before this, people see orthodox Jews as crazy, backwards, sexist, cultish. Read some of the comments on those articles linked above, and you will see that a manageable PR problem has possibly gotten a WHOLE LOT worse.

A selection:

Women covering their hair may seem strange to you - it isn't oppressive or sexist.

A rule that applies to one sex? That seems a little sexist.

It was an action taken by them alone - and does not reflect hasidism, Orhtdox Judaism or religion as a whole.

They did it for reasons of religious belief, but it doesn't reflect religion?

they'll see the truly offensive things are their own presumptions and prejudices.

No, religious piety is what is truly offensive.

Simply the best article to observe how fanatic jews and fanatic muslins are so alike .Does anyone sincerely see any diference in this kind of behavor ? not me , both create their own trueths , both want to impose their views , both use lies , both consider woman as an inferior human . I think this tell everything. Maybe because extremists like these , in both sides are in the power , the problem in the midle-east remains.

I think the Hasids are ridiculous in regard to their views on sexuality and women. I do not think we should abridge their right to believe and act how they wish.

There is a difference between thinking something is sexist, wrong, or ridiculous and abridging people's right to be sexist, wrong, or ridiculous.

They have the right to be however they want. I have the right to call them archaic. They can believe they are right; I can believe they are wrong, and say so.

Now, granted, some people are sticking up for Jews ("not all Jews think this") and some are defending the right of Jews to be as backwards as they want to be (like that last comment above), but I still fear the backlash.
Also it makes me angry, time and again, to see people go from "They cover their hair" to "they are sexist and oppressive."

Which brings me to my points:
1. Modesty is not such a bad thing. I'm sure alot of the fathers out there would be happy to teach a little more modesty to their daughters and a little less objectifying women to their sons. These women who dress this way are NOT oppressed, they are happy. At my shul there are women who wear wigs, women who wear hats, and women who let their hair out. Nobody is persecuted for whichever practice they choose- the men freely socialize with women who show their hair, and their husbands do not berate them for it. The level of modesty, like all matters of observance, is a personal choice.
2. Encouraging women to cover their cleavage is not disrespectful of women. I dare you to tell me you get more respect from a man when you wear a low cut shirt than when you cover your boobs. I have never felt more respected by a man staring at my breasts than one staring at my face. When I attend shul I feel respected for my ideas and my intellect without feeling that I must either defend my body from objectification or expose my body in order to garner attention, my physical appearance is of no relevance to my worth.
3. Equal does NOT mean the same. Or, alternately, different does NOT mean lesser. I will not use racial segregation as an allegory, however many detractors of the Orthodox practices do... black people during segregation really were treated as lesser and it was wrong. Jewish women are not. Let me instead use these analogies... One: When a woman goes to the beach or swimming pool she must wear both bottoms and a top. Women may not be strolling the beach topless. However, men can wear just trunks, chest exposed for all to see, with nobody taking any notice. Is this sexist? Two: When the men come to console, they are expected to wear button down shirts and either a tie or jacket. If a man were to come in short sleeves, or with no jacket or tie he would not be considered appropriately dressed. When I come to console I rarely wear long sleeves, a jacket, or a tie (never a tie). Is this sexist?
Are women lesser because they are expected to cover their nipples in public. Are men lesser because they are expected to wear a tie. No. There are simply sometimes different rules for genders based on natural characteristics or cultural norms. If you were to stand up and say that men's formal apparel is sexist and you demand that all men from here out where skirts, v-necks, and heels so that their attire be equal to women... people would think you insane. It is no different to stand up and say "Orthodox women being forced to dress modestly is sexist and they should be allowed to wear miniskirts and tanktops." First you assume that they are forced, that they would want to do other. Second you assume that because their rules are different, they are somehow being treated as lesser. I know of few men who would wish to trade their ties for high heels, and I know of few Orthodox women who would wish to trade their wigs for sluttery.

In conclusion, to sum up that giant paragraph above... This paper is not representative of all forms of Judaism, nor is its omission of women or other Jewish laws concerning the dress and behavior of women de facto sexism. Those who are opposed are pushing their own agenda onto others for their own purposes and are not taking the needs or wishes of those actually accepting the rules into account. Nobody is asking you, commenters listed above, to wear wigs and long sleeves so it does not concern you what others do. But if you really must push your agenda, go put some men in skirts and leave us alone.

Console Prep

Tomorrow night I start a 7 night overnight stint in mission control (unless the space shuttle manages to launch before 5/13... unlikely). Basically for the next 7 days I will get up around 6pm, eat dinner/breakfast with my awesome boyfriend, putter around for a few hours, and then head off to work at 11pm until 8am the next day.
One of the things I do to prep for console is make some food. Tonight I cooked a 9 (!) serving chicken and rice casserole. I'll give Dan a couple servings for lunches and I'll keep some to heat up for my 5am breakfast/dinner. Here's a shot of my meals all boxed up:
To make this, I had to skin some chicken thighs. Raw chicken is the grossest thing ever! Then brown it with some garlic. Then the rice went into a pan with wine, chicken broth, onions, spices, and boiled for a bit. Then it all went in the oven with artichokes and frozen peas. Here's what it looked like after the oven:
Haven't tried any yet because its 3am and I can't imagine eating anything right now. I'll let you know. Other console prep includes buying a bunch of snacks. And making muffins to bring in:

These beauties are Brown Sugar and Cornbread muffins, with a brown sugar and cornmeal crunch topping. I haven't tasted them either, but I did lick the bowl and the batter was amazing!









Recently Dan and I have cooked a couple other delicious Cooking Light meals:
For the last Friday in Lent which was also during passover, we needed something breadless and meatless. The recipe was for Tuna but we couldn't find any tuna steaks so we got salmon instead. It was still delicious. Blackened Salmon with spicy slaw.



And last night we made a lighter (not deep fried) Falafel. Here's the whole table layout: Falafel, pita, tahini sauce, and spinach, and Israeli Salad (tomato, onion, cucumber, garlic, red wine vinegar, olive oil).So far, we have not been disappointed by this cookbook in the least. Other recent meals not pictured include Peppered Watercress Turkey Burgers and Grilled Sea Bass with Mango salsa.

More from Cooking Light

Sorry I have not been posting pictures. However I have been cooking. Here's a selection of some shots I have snapped from recent cooking experiences:

Chicken packets on the camping trip (not a cooking light recipe)- Chicken, potatoes, veggies, cream of mushroom soup, sealed up and tossed in the fire til the chicken is done and the potatoes are soft. Italian Veggie Pie: Lasanga noodles topped with tofu/veggie/tomato sauce mixture, covered with more lasagna noodle, and then topped with cheese. Delicious!














Crab and corn chowder from Cooking Light:
Southwester bean casserole (cooking light)- Layers of beans, spicy tomato sauce, cheese, and tortillas. Yum!













Polynesian Chicken (from cooking light)- Chicken with a sweet sauce, including chunks of pineapple. It was amazing!
There were many others, but these are the ones I got a photo of. Stay tuned next for the Passover Adventures. 7 Grenitzes have descended on Houston and my house for Passover. Mom and I cooked all day today, and have two more cooking days ahead!

Another Saturday Night in MCC

Hey kids,
For this saturday night I'll be staying up all night long. Like a party animal. Or a shift worker. I'm gonna watch the sun rise. Well I could, if I wasn't stuck in a windowless room. However, the sun will rise on the ISS 8 times before I leave here, and I'll see them all in my data and most of them in the video downlink, so that'll have to do.
Tonight is a fun night though, I get to do alot of commanding, moving really big pieces of the station. We have two giant joints that rotate about a third of the truss each, and then 4 little joints at the end of each of those that rotate just one solar array. I get to move both big ones (called SARJs- Solar Alpha Rotary Joint) and 4 of the 8 little ones (called BGAs- Beta Gimbal Assembly) to keep them safe from the thruster firings during the thruster test tonight. The nights I actually get to DO something I feel way better about spending my nights at work since I didn't just sit here and surf the net all night. Granted, they pay me to sit here knowing full well most nights I'll do nothing. Just in case something bad happens. I'm an insurance policy, basically.

In news actually related to the purported subject of this blog... I have been cooking, just not been so good at taking pictures and posting them. We grilled flank steak and made southwestern bean casserole and lamb chops and just last night there was italian veggie pie (picture posted by Dan on fb and then stolen by me to post on twitter). Its all been delicious, not a single letdown yet. I'm having more veggie pie in 1 hour and 33 minutes, the next time I'm allowed to leave this console.

One good thing about working the weekend overnight shift (in contrast to the many many not so good things presented in that statement)? Lots of free time next week. When I leave console at 8am Monday morning, I'll have worked 32 hours... before most other people have worked a single hour of the week, I'll be one full working day from done. With that spare time, I have ALOT to do:
1. Monday at 9am I am going to buy a car. This car. With luck. I test drove it over a month ago, and have been trying for 3 weeks to get one. The guy keeps jerking me around and saying "tomorrow, tomorrow..." but finally called me on Friday that it was in. Of course I had to be here all night and didn't feel like buying a car right before staying up ALL night. So I called today and they hadn't sold it yet so I'll be going right after work on Monday morning to get it. Hopefully. Whee!
2. Monday at 2pm, cable guy. I got Uverse, and its pretty awesome, but not quite as compatible with my Tivo as I would like. The cable box goes to sleep and the Tivo can't "press ok" so sometimes if I forget to turn the cable box on in the afternoon, or don't get home in time, it records an hour of "Press ok to watch TV." The new Tivo premieres don't have that problem, but my 4 year old Tivo does. But rather than get a new Tivo, I'm just gonna get the Uverse DVR. Cool thing here is that it records stuff all in one location but can be played back on any TV with a cable box... so I can record in my living room and watch in my bed. For some reason though, they can't just give me the DVR... they have to "install" it. Um, I control the space station, I can probably figure out your DVR. But no, I have to wait for the installer.
3. Bicycle... you may have seen the pic of my new trailer hitch. Last sunday me and Dave (a coworker who likes to tinker with cars) installed a trailer hitch on my CRV. Its main purpose is for my new bike rack, so that Dan and I can take our bikes with us camping in a few weeks, and maybe on other adventures. But my bicycle, after 2 years of non-use, and three moves, is not in the best of shape. So I need to strap the poor guy to my car, now that I have a hitch and rack for it, and take it to a bike shop.
4. Car maintenance... poor CRV is a little neglected, and will be more so once I buy a new car. It needs a tire rotation and oil change. Also want to see about maybe getting a transmission flush (if it didn't get one with the 75,000 mile service). And I should probably buy the poor thing new windshield wipers. Though it won't be my everyday car, I just put ~$250 into it with the hitch and rack... and it'll be a good recreational car. The Juke doesn't have alot of interior space, but it doesn't need to, for me to drive to work every day. For camping trips, Ikea runs, and other things, the CRV is still the perfect midsize crap hauler. And I want it to haul my crap for years to come. I foolishly dream of giving it to my 16 year old in like 20 years, who will look at it with disdain and threaten to take the bus, but I'll know that it was and is a wonderful car. I'll also know there is no bus in Houston and its too hot to walk. You'll take the beater and love it you little brat! Kidding, I likely won't let my kid anywhere near my "classic" (read: ancient) car, for fear that it'll break down and she'll be murdered on the side of the street.

Yes I sure am looking forward to all my free time, once I finish spending every waking moment in mission control. When you work a 13 hour shift, you only get 11 hours to leave work, drive home, get into bed, get up, get ready for work, and come back. Not much time for anything else.
Also, while you all mourn the loss of your hour of sleep tonight, I celebrate that my 13 hour shift is only a 12 hour shift. Whee!

An Entire Roasted Chicken!

Tonight from my new, and so far still awesome, cookbook:
Garlic and Rosemary Roasted Chicken and Cranberry and Apple filled Acorn Squash!!
Yes I roasted an entire chicken. It was rather large, and cooked forever, but it was kinda cool. And I said I would cook all the way through the cookbook, which includes whole roasted chickens.

Here is me sticking my fingers in the chicken (to put rosemary and crushed garlic between the chicken and skin). No funny business!

It came out beautiful! I can't believe it came out looking edible, let alone good.For the side dishes... Roasted Acorn Squash. Green apple and cranberry sauce sauteed in a pan, then scooped into the squash (emptied of seeds and weird stringy stuff). Also, garlic, which was roasted with the chicken in its head, mashed into a paste and put on some toasted french bread. And the onion chunks roasted with the chicken as another side. And some wine :-)

Here's the whole spread:
My new cookbook is definitely not letting me down. :-)

Stuffed chicken and cookies

The Cooking Light project continues. So far I have been extremely happy with all the recipes. On Tuesday we made...

Brie and Caramelized Onion Stuffed Chicken:
The oniony goop kinda spilled out of the chicken and into the sauce but it was super delicious. I forgot to take a picture of it all plated and pretty so these were the lunch leftover breasts before I packed them up. We ate them with some green beans sauteed in spicy peanut sauce (bought in a bottle from the grocery, nothing too fancy). Yum!

Then we also made chocolate mint cookies. The dough is easy to make, then you form it into a log, wrap in wax paper, and stick in the freezer. When its time to make it, you unwrap the frozen dough and roll it in raw sugar. Then slice it- the frozen dough is the perfect consistency for slicing- not too sticky or too hard. I want to make a few more batches to keep in the freezer. I brought them to console and they were a big hit. They are basic sugar cookies with 4 variations- plain, chocolate, peanut butter, and mint. You can also roll two (or more?!) kinds of doughs together to create a pinwheel shape.

And finally, here is an action shot of my lovely boyfriend helping me cook (P.S. isn't my kitchen pretty?! I love it!)

The Cooking Light project

So... as I discussed a while back, I want to start a cooking project kinda like Julie and Julia.
So a couple weeks ago I went to Half Price Books (this might be a Texas only thing... they buy back used books to sell for cheap, only they're a huge chain so they have an awesome selection unlike most used book stores) and found a cookbook. This one:
It meets all the previous specifications: Not overly complicated (also has cool little side boxes where it explains a little about the science behind the recipe, some ingredient... so I can cook AND learn!). Healthy. Serving sizes range from 2 to 8, depending on the recipe. And so far, its been pretty boy friendly.

So whats the project? I'm going to cook my way through the book. By Jan 1, 2012 I want to be done with the entire book. Except... there's a section on bread machine breads. I don't have a bread machine, I don't WANT a bread machine, I cant afford a bread machine. So I will not be cooking those recipes.
Tuesday I made Mediterranean Veggie wraps (didn't take any pics though, oops!). It was good, and made a great lunch the next day too.

Tonight, my lovely dining partner (aka, my boyfriend) and I made 2 awesome dishes:
At the top of the plate is Polenta with Wild Mushroom Sauce. At the bottom are Veal Birds with Artichoke Sauce (but I used beef instead of Veal because Kroger is certainly no Publix).

The polenta was chilled, broiled, and covered with a shitake mushroom and tomato sauce. The beef was sliced thin, covered in flour, browned, and topped with an artichoke and mushroom sauce. Add a spinach salad and glass of red Zinfandel to make a delicious dinner... with plenty of leftovers for lunch on Monday!


Oh and in other exciting news.... I bought and (with the help of my visiting Mom and Dad this week) assembled my beautiful new dining room furniture. This was the first meal to be eaten on me new table. Here's a picture of the spread:

Stay tuned for more adventures in Cooking Light!

Awesome and not-so-awesome things

Things that are currently awesome:
My new boots! I got these beauties in black and then also these awesome fuzzy things in brown. Then, of course, because I had new boots I needed new clothes to show them off- so I went and bought skinny jeans and some skirts. I look adorable, but also a little slutty, so its great. Sadly I can't wear my new boots to console because I have a superstition about shoes and always wear the same ones to console- the few times I tested this theory little things broke, I no longer tempt fate (as an aside, if I ever were to get a big failure on console I probably would burn everything I was wearing that day. EVERYTHING). Excitingly, I can wear my new boots to Memphis to keep my feet warm at the Liberty Bowl.
My new Thermos. My old plastic mug for drinking tea on console fell in the parking lot and broke, so I needed a new one. I went to Target where I found an awesome package on pre-Christmas clearance- a big lunchbox and hot/cold Thermosy thing for $15!!! Since I recently found out this Thermos itself is regularly $27.99, I feel pretty awesome about that. And I needed a bigger lunchbox for my 13 hour weekend shifts where I bring 2 meals and a bunch of snacks and eat my way through the whole thing (keeps me awake at least). At the two of them match each other AND my old lunch box too and are cute and purple so I feel stylin.
Season 1 of Mad Men. I rented all 4 discs to help me stay awake sleep shifting the past two nights. Unfortunately, though very good, it is a little too slow and quiet to keep me awake while exhausted and attempting to stay up all night. But it is quite good. I have disc 4 left to finish, but I'm hooked and looking forward to catching up on the rest of the seasons and maybe being a live watcher in the Fall if it comes back for a 5th. You should watch it too. It will, among other things, make you glad you don't live in 1960.
Not living in 1960. Thank god I live in 2010. For one thing- if this show is to be believed- women had it rough in 1960. They couldn't have real jobs, just secretary/typing pool/switchboard operator type crap. They only worked if they couldn't land a husband. They had to be skinny and pretty all the time- no grocery shopping in sweatpants. They drank and smoked while pregnant! And the bras were really pointy looking. In a recent episode I saw a woman discuss how terrible it would be if she served her husband frozen food! Yes, that would be quite a tragedy. Lets keep in mind that around the same time little nerds in skinny ties were sitting in the same building I am, blasting men into space. Which many people, my boyfriend included, would probably prefer to live in that time in order to see. And though it would be cool to see it, I would not have been able to take part. So, thank you, I'll stick to the time I live in. And then there's other stuff: cruise control, modern medicine, the internet, cell phones, laptops, more than 3 television channels, sexual harassment being disallowed... we have it way better. Watch mad men and see.

Things that are currently less than awesome:
It's 4am. Well, its 4am and I am awake working a boring overnight shift. I still have 3 hours til handover, and 4 til I can go to bed. I like my job, much better than housewifery or secretarying, but I also like sleep, and it is in short supply while on console.
Boyfriend is in VA. Actually not the problem, the problem is that I am not in VA. Everyone else is off on their Christmas vacation. I suppose its fair that Jews don't get a christmas vacation... but I do hate missing the fun. And I also miss, you know, my boyfriend.
White FCR. This is what they call the space shuttle mission control room. We sit in one down the hall called FCR 1. FCR stands for Flight Control Room. And yes, there are also a Blue FCR (not used anymore) and a Red FCR (where we sit for sims); no there is not a FCR 2 that I'm aware of. FCR 1 (keep up- thats our usual room) is under construction (because we sit 24/7 they do mainenance over holidays where they inconvenience the least number of people, the skeleton team needed to keep things running... how cool is it that that includes ME?!). So they moved us to White FCR. Its dark, and I have half as many computer screens, and just generally I like my usual set and change is bad and whatever.
Liberty Bowl in 7 days! This is only not awesome because its a week away. In 6 days, this will be on the awesome list.

New Project

So last year, remember that movie that came out- Julie and Julia? Well, I never saw it. But I did read the book, that the movie was an adaptation of. And the idea sounds fun.

I want to have a cooking project too. This week Dan and I cooked a few times, and each time its a struggle to find a recipe from the millions of websites and cookbooks/magazines that I have at my disposal. Its such an overwhelming quantity of options available, that settling on any one is maddening.

So... I am going to buy a cookbook. And then I'm going to cook my way through it until I've tried everything. Sound great. Only one problem. What cookbook?

Thats why I need your help, dear readers. Here are the criteria I will use in weeding through the again maddening number of choices out there:

1. Not overly complicated. Julie cooked through Julia Child's The Fine Art of French Cooking... if you don't know about french cooking, its horribly complex. I don't really have time, energy, money, or motivation to learn how to sautee goat hooves or disembowel my own whole chicken or whatever other craziness is out there to learn how to do. I also will not be running all over Houston looking for ox bones or veal livers. I need run-of-the-mill methods, with things you can buy at the regular grocery down the street. Also, I don't have alot of kitchen gadgets and I don't want to have to go stock up, so I need simple prep as well as simple ingredients.
2. Healthier food. Aside from complexity, French food has one additional downside: FAT. Butter, cream, oil... I don't disagree that soaking vegetables in one or more of these ingredients makes them taste awesome, but it isnt otherwise so great unless you want to die of a heart attack at 35. So... healthier options please!
3. Not too big, not too small. Ideal recipe size would be 4 servings; enough to feed me and the boyfriend dinner, and then lunch the next day. Though I know you can always double something that is made for two, it is often alot harder to split down something that is made for 16.
4. Boy-friendly. While I love to eat all manner of fancy things, funny things, chocolatey things, fruity things... boys are different. Boys need beef and carbohydrates and... beer? Idk, exactly, but I think I'd know if it was too girly when I saw it.

Let me know if you have any suggestions, so I can get to cooking!

Letter to me...

Tonight, while babysitting the space station, I will follow this example: http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-letters-to-our-younger-selves/
And write a letter to myself at half my age.

Dear 12 year old space cadet,

Man, being 12 sure is rotten, huh? Mom cooks dinner, mom does the laundry, and thanks to Cheryl you have no idea what it is like to clean a bathroom. Plus you get to go to a black tie party every weekend, and the only thing you have to do to earn it is to show up at temple Saturday morning. A few years from now you will actually voluntarily go to temple, just to go. Yeah, I don't really believe it either.

I know you are too busy freaking out about your own Bat Mitzvah, because it sure looks scary up there, what with the public speaking and all, and we know you can't sing. Well, get this: you don't sound so bad, your speech makes Daddy tear up, and you make alot of money that you will use in 12 years to buy a house. Plus you get to wear the best dress ever, and dance til you drop.

I know you think you are an outcast, that you don't have alot of friends... but the important thing is that you have good ones. Ali, she really is gonna be your best friend forever. And I know that you are wishing for boobs because you think then the boys will finally notice you... well you never get big boobs but you will finally have boys notice. And this is something you should know now and start believing, although it won't make sense for a couple years... He is not the only boy who will ever love you. Nor the one after that, nor the one after that. Just by virtue of the fact that I listed three, that would seem to indicate any of them is not the only one... don't be so hard on yourself, because you are actually awesome.

And you will have your dream job. No, sorry, aren't an astronaut yet. But you will get the job you never knew you were actually made for. And you will kick ass. So don't worry. Just have fun with your best friend, and try to relax a little.

Love and hugs,
24, and still a space cadet.

Last one...

There must be 5. http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-the-5-non-negotiables/?obref=obinsite
So here it is...

5. Jumps right on the crazy train. Ok I know I'm insane. I know I act like a child, geek out over Disney World, watch ridiculous television, etc. I know it, you will know it by the time you date me for 10 minutes. But if you wanna stick around much longer, you will eventually have to throw caution and dignity to the wind and hop on that crazy train. Dan finally did it, by buying us Vinylmations in Disney world. And then by following my lead when I called them "the babies." And when you finally do hop on the crazy train, I know you're a keeper. I can't be insane all by myself forever, because thats just boring.

Non-negotiables

Another week, another blog from the midnight shift. Tonight, to entertain my sleepy self, I was poking around the internet when I happened on this article...
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-10-common-non-negotiables/

Which got me thinking about my own non-negotiables...

1. Overt Displays of Affection. I like it when a boy gets a little ridiculous over me... telling me he I'm pretty, squeezing my butt randomly, holding my hand, sending me text messages 'just because.' Things like that. I could never be happy with a quiet, stoic type who just expects me to know he likes me. I wanna hear it. I don't mean gross PDA like making out in the grocery store, I just want to be part of a nauseatingly adorable couple.

2. Wants a couple babies. I could never be with someone who wanted no kids, just as I could never be with someone who wanted 10 kids. I want a nice low number... like 2, maybe 3. It's my duty to stave off Idiocracy as long as possible by procreating a little bit, which brings us to...

3. Brains. So maybe I haven't always been so good at this one, but I think what sealed the deal on this one is when Eduardo said to me "He made you dumber!" Eduardo, who has always thought a bit too much of my intelligence... if he noticed, it must be true. So from now on, smart boys only. Lets add 'Likes to read' in this same category. I don't care what, I don't care if they're romance trash with Fabio on the cover, or super boring biographies... read something, its how you stay smart and sharp once you're done with formal learning.

4. Sex. That's right, Alifaya, I said SEX. I will pause here while you get over the shock. (Mom, cover your eyes when you read this!) I know you can't have the sex life you had when you were 24 forever, that things are cyclic and you can't be in that honeymoon stage forever, but I would like a boy who a) likes to have sex and b) is good at it.

And that's really all I can think of. Plus its time for handover, which means almost time for me to go home.

Is this high school?

I am so angry that I am gonna blog about it. Yup, I'm an angry blogger now.

(Greetings from Mission Control, btw... I'm here this weekend 7am to 8pm then back on Tuesday for the overnight).

I have recently gotten myself into a bit of trouble by running my mouth. Who's shocked? Because I am such a demure, quiet, lovely girl who never says mean or offensive things, so this is truly a surprise that I might ever get into any trouble for something I said. Right?

Ok, quit with the chirping crickets, I get the picture. I know. I'm blunt. I'm completely uncensored, lacking any kind of filter from brain to mouth. And to top it all off, I'm not very nice. So the unfiltered brain says alot of mean things. And here's the latest story of why I should get a filter (do they sell them on ebay?):

So it begins... years ago, really. I have known this person for over 2 years, but never really been more than a casual aquaintance. Why? Well, because he's mean. He makes meanspirited jokes about religion, appearance, sex... anything really. When I talk to him, I never know when I'm gonna be the butt of another mean joke. But I think he's not trying to be mean, he believes hes funny. I know now you are saying "Why Stephanie, would you like to be the pot or the kettle?" (kettle, thanks!) but seriously... on my most sarcastic day I couldn't be half as mean. Most of what he says while trying to be funny, I find hurtful. And I try to think "well, he doesn't mean any harm," although I can't honestly be sure whether he does mean harm or not. I hung out with him still because: 1. I like being on the softball team and 2. He's fun to hang out with, when he's not being mean. He's a total social butterfly type, and I like that, because I'm shy and without social butterflies in my life, I wouldn't do anything. Ever. Although, likely my house would be alot cleaner if I avoided all social butterflies. And I have never been one to back down from anything just because things made me feel a little uncomfortable... like socializing with strangers. Or mean jokes.

Now, however, he's Dan's roommate (well, he has been for awhile, I'm the new one here). And I love Dan and wouldn't ever want to cause trouble for him or pull any "it's me or that guy" crap, but hanging with him has also meant hanging more with his roommate. Which means more exposure to the mean jokes. It hasn't been all that delightful. But I'd like to be in it for the long haul with Dan, so I'll take whatever his roommate dishes out. But I never promised to do it quietly.

So yesterday, he's lamenting his current dating life while also discussing a date he has lined up this weekend and how hot the waitress is. Yes, its clearly looking bleak. But you know, you want sympathy I'll give you sympathy. You want to have some lighthearted banter with me, fabulous. But I'm still myself, and I'm not gonna go so far as to become a member of your pity party. Nor am I going to help you turn that poor woman's workday into sexual harassment Friday.
So when I refuse to be his "wing woman*" in the aforementioned hitting on the waitress, he gets angry at me. When things escalate, I say he objectifies women and I'm not interested in facilitating. Then he says that "loyalty is the most important thing," insinuating that I am being disloyal. By the end of the day he has dedicated a facebook status to my alleged mistreatment, and begged off the evening plans we had with some other people in order to avoid me.

*Can I discuss this wingwoman thing for a second? Because here's the point of a wing woman: Guy sees girl. Guy wants girl. Girl would probably not talk to random male stranger at bar, due to legitimate L&O:SVU-style fear of rapists. But guy is hanging out with wingwoman (WW) girl. This WW girl seems normal and inoffensive and is wearing a cute shirt/shoes/whatever girls compliment something random just to get the conversation started. And she's talking to that guy, and she's giggling at something he said, so it must be funny. And guy is relating to that WW girl in a non-creeper, not overly sexual, friendly kind of way. So, hey, he must be alright. Look, they're coming this way. Oh, she said she liked my boots so I will tell her I got them on sale and we will laugh about how awesome it is when shoes are on sale! Girls and guy will chat for awhile, then WW will need to use the restroom, of course, because girls pee alot and need to check their hair. Now girl and guy have time together. But hey, wasn't it easy getting to know each other with another girl around to make sure I don't get raped. Yeah, this is going well. Sigh. Its all a scam on some level, to lull a girl into a false sense of security so she'll take her clothes off. And does that ever, in one trillion years, sound like something I would be into? NO. Its not you who I won't be a wingwoman for, its because that just doesn't fit into my personality. If you are my friend and I have a female friend that I think would like you and you like her, then I would introduce you to each other as a mutual friend, but I am not going to be the crocodile hunter with you, stalking prey in the wild. Sorry for the aside, back to the story...

Now we meet the other half of the reason I can't say what I want around him. When he's not mercilessly teasing me for one thing or another, he is getting disproportionately offended by things I say.

So what bothers me:
1. "Loyalty" Who are you to deserve my loyalty? If you were my friend you would understand why it is that I think you are objectifying women. You would understand why it bothers me, why gender equality is important to me, why paying so much attention to appearance upsets me. You would know you were pushing all my buttons, poking at every self esteem issue I had ever had. And if you understood all that, you would deserve my loyalty and I would expect yours. As it is, you know nothing about me, and the fat feminist inside my head... and so I don't expect you to be so careful about protecting me from my issues, but I certainly don't need to put them aside to help you out.
2. You don't get to be right all the time. Its called a difference of opinion. People are allowed to have it. You don't have to be my friend. I don't care if you want to be friends only with people who will either agree with you or keep quiet about it. I don't need to be your best friend, latenight chat buddy, shopping pal, dinner date or anything. I would just like us to coexist peacefully in the same area, for the sake of my boyfriend who, G-d help him, likes us both. Which means I need you to either not ask my opinion or not get mad at me when I express it. I don't care which.
3. Grow up! Is this high school? You're going to lie to my face and talk shit about me behind my back. And post it on facebook?! When did my adult life start taking place in the 9th grade?
4. Poor Dan. I just don't want to ruin your life. I'm just trying to be me, not to start making a mess. He's your roommate and I'm prepared to endure plenty more of his crap, on your account... but don't expect me to censor myself when asked a direct question. If I'm gonna say anything, its gonna be exactly what comes out of my head, with no positive or otherwise spin applied. I never had this thing called "tact." You may have noticed?

Ugh I don't give a damn about his opinion of me, I just want things not to be awkward when I go to Dan's house tonight. Mutual agreement to coexist peacefully. Thats all. And instead I have to worry that this is gonna cause problems for me and my wonderful, sweet, amazing boyfriend.

So thats the essense of the story. I love all you friend type people who read my stuff and tell me when I'm acting ridiculous. So please, do more of that. Meanwhile I will try to learn how to "not say anything at all" when I have nothing nice to say. Or how to lie and say nice things. Ok, probably not that last one.

September Adventures

So it would appear that I skipped the entire month of September. Oops. Also because I have been rambling nonstop about crazy jewish things and trying to make sense of my life, I thought perhaps I would take a day off from that (rest assured, I have another monster of a post about religion brewing, but not for tonight) and just give you the rundown of my crazy adventures.

Where to begin?... How about September 1st?

Kidding, I will not go day by day. But there were a few awesome, great, big things that happened in September.

1. I am now 24. Which my jerk boyfriend likes to remind me is "mid twenties" rather than "early twenties" so I officially became old. Had a nice little outing with coworkers, then went to bed early drunk off margaritas. And my (not really a jerk, except when hes reminding me I'm old) amazing boyfriend outdid all birthdays in memory with a bunch of really thoughtful presents and by being wonderful and awesome.

2. Debbie and Mike got married!!! Yay and congrats! Flew to Philly, rented a car like a grown up, visited cousin Jessica at UPenn, got a grand tour of the campus and some delicious falafel, then drove out to New Jersey for the main event. Beautiful weather, wonderful friends... I'm so sad its over and I feel like I may never see these people again. Sniffle. We always knew the wedding was coming and we would get together for that... but now what? Megelah you need to come visit ASAP or elses! You too Ms. Viscione! What if I told you my guest room had a king size bed? I could throw in room service! Free wireless internet!

3. High holidays. (Ok so maybe there is a brief moment of religious babbling in this post after all.) This was the first year I think that I spent both holidays at Chabad. Rosh Hashana was a nice kind of break from the world- dinner at the rabbi's the first night, all day services, dinner at another family's house the second night, more services, and lunch with yet another family. I am lucky that there are so many families that take in stray people, and fed me. Then yom kippur... such a hard day but also kinda nice. So different to go to Chabad where everyone is taking a special kind of pleasure in fasting, compared to conservative temples where everyone treats it as this torture you have to go through. Like you have no choice but to starve, but at least you are in miserable company. But thats not the point, you aren't torturing yourself, you are focusing on the needs of your soul over the needs of your body. And after, my friend's mother in law took in a few stray people... and fed me homemade bagels. Awesome!

4. So last year I gave up pork... and that has been going really well. But I don't feel so ready to give up either separation of milk and meat (mmm tacos) or shellfish (mmm shrimp). So what should I do as a New Years resolution instead? I have decided to go with candle-lighting. I won't lie, its not so easy as I had planned. First because in the weeks after Yom Kippur there were about 700 holidays. Well, ok, so Sukkot, Shemini Azeret (still not sure I even know what this holiday is for), Simchat Torah, plus Shabbats. And because I'm never home on Friday nights to light. So I have a little portable candle kit that I got once at a Chabad event, and I bought a bunch more tea lights so I can restock. Last Shabbat I lit on the cruise... then Nicole made me blow it out when we went to dinner so I didn't burn the ship down. She's right, of course, you shouldnt leave candles unattended, but then... you're not supposed to blow them out. Oh well, baby steps. So thats the plan this year... no pork, more candles.

5. Sukkot... one of my favorite holidays, since joining Chabad. We never made a big deal about it when I was a kid, and at school it always seemed kinda lame... but at Chabad they seem to take a special pleasure in it. The first night is a nice long night of eating and drinking and singing and the Sukkah is so big because so many people come and decorated so nicely. So I have, as a side resolution, decided to make a point of eating in the Sukkah at least once every year. Took Dan... its not a matter of trying to convert him (if I wanted to do that, I would go find a nice conservative temple in Houston where people are practically normal except for occasionally exclaiming in yiddish rather than throw him in the Hassidic deep end) I just like to spend time with him, and I dont want there to be this big secret place I go all the time to do big secret Jew things. And I'm really grateful and happy that he's willing to give it a shot for me because I know its scary to go there. And then as we were leaving I went and told the Rabbi's wife that he wasnt Jewish. They all kinda assumed he was because a) I was dating him and b) he was there and c) he looks more jewish than I do (says the blue eyed, pale girl). But then when I told the Rabbi's wife he was my boyfriend who worked for NASA she said "Get out! He's Jewish and he works for NASA?!" Well I couldn't lie. Then I got a little mini lecture about soulmates. I think a bigger lecture is probably coming, but I can take it. I know it bothers him that it bothers them and that I have to listen to it... but I think he should understand a little more about guilt, being catholic and all. All my life I've been hearing a lecture about something from someone. What matters is that I love him and hes wonderful and sweet and smart and adorable and takes good care of me and, to a lesser extent, that my parents like him. Also I hope that when you guys meet him, you will like him. Everyone else, doesn't get a say.

6. Operator Cruise! Over 2 years ago when we all started our group flight controller training, called boot camp, we discussed taking a cruise together when we all got certified. Back then we weren't even really friends yet, just a bunch of new young people who left home for horrible texas. Then we became good friends, hung out all the time, planned parties and trips and weekends together. Then we all got certified around March and basically stopped seeing each other. Someone is always working, someone is always sleep shifting, and so nobody was available. We had to plan 4 months in advance and request time off of work in order to even have this one week... and still I think most of us got crap for it.
But it was awesome!!! I wont get into particulars, and pictures will be up on facebook shortly for your perusal, but here are the highlights: Sunbathing! Mayan Ruins, complete with swimmin' hole! Cozumel Zip line + snorkel (no death trap scootering this time). Party in the penthouse! We won the Quest, be jealous!

7. Ok so technically this didn't happen until October but I had to add... Alabama/Florida game. Made my day. Ok, my week.

Now I have a cold while working the overnight shift- my nose is stuffy, my throat hurts, the room is spinning a bit, and I really want to go crawl into bed. However, being grateful for small wonders, I am in mission control! I just need the system to be nice to me tonight.

Whats on the agenda for this month? Cooler weather! This and one more week of overnights. Throw in a weekend shift (13 shifts in all, punishment for taking vacation I guess). And at the end of the month a trip to Orlando with Dan... UCF football, fun with the fam, and maybe, hopefully, fingers/toes/eyes crossed, a shuttle launch.

To be a Jewish Woman. And a rundown of my life.

Excitement! Everything has been going awesome. I am quite lucky! What has been happening? Well, I will tell you.


1. Went to one of boyfriend's friend's wedding in upstate NY. Its so pretty, and the weather was awesome, and it was in a barn. And his friends are awesome and adorable and really nice and I had a great time. Also, travelling not alone is pretty nice too. Actually getting to the airport and having someone to talk to while waiting for the plane or on the plane... and nice when the person sitting next to you and kinda hogging your space is someone you like and not a weird, stinky stranger. I could go on alot longer about that whole thing but I wont, because this is already going to be a contender for longest post ever. So lets just say... amazing, wonderful, very happy.

2. Josh goes to UCF! Helped him move into Tower 4 on Friday. Very excited for my little bro to be at my school. Excited that I can still go back for football games and tailgate with the fam, excited that I will get another duck from yet another spirit splash to add to my collection. Feels like I did something kinda right, starting the Golden Knight legacy.


3. Debbie is getting married! I know, what took her so long, right? Had a wonderful weekend in Orlando celebrating her bachelorette party- Clubbing, laying by the pool, eating an obscene amount, more clubbing, and ending it off with a lovely brunch and a trip back to UCF- the place that started it all. Plus, thanks to Meg's brilliant enstatement of a 1 to 1 rule (1 alcohol, 1 water), nobody puked-- success!!! I can't wait to go see everyone again in 2 weeks for the big event! I'm also excited about the whole grown-up experience- flying to Philly, renting a car, staying in a hotel... things I dont usually do.


4. House... is still a work in progress. Today I got some blinds installed... they are pretty! But my cable is out... so comcast is coming to try to fix that tomorrow. We will see if they can. Stupid comcast. Also need mass amounts more time for unpacking, organizing, furniture shopping, grout sealing, and decorating. And cleaning. And mowing the lawn. Alot of work and I'm too busy to do it all. I have my priorities, and the mop is low on that list.


Ok so thats the rundown of whats going on in my life. Now we get down to the existential musings, as usual. And its gonna be extremely long this time.


I have been reading a book. Its called "The Modern Jewish Girls Guide to Guilt." Wait, lets back up. I have developed a new habit... the bookstore near my new house has a fairly decent sized Jewish books section. So my habit is to go there every now and then and buy a book... or a few. I am trying to get a little perspective on my concerns- about going to temple (or not), about keeping kosher (or not..or to what degree), about being on the "wrong" side of the mechitzah (aka the women's side), about driving on shabbat, about what I understand about the laws and what I dont.
The non-Jews (and less religious actual Jews) in my life enjoy quizzing me about this. Like "whats the point of separating milk and meat?" or "why do you become an adult at 13?" And then when I explain my rudimentary, beginner-who-took-some-classes-15-years-ago-and-didnt-really-care-then version of the rules, nobody seems very happy. Because, like all Jews, I know of these rules, and decide which ones to follow- but it isnt because we know the ins and outs of the rules and decide which ones we personally want to believe... its because we just pick the convenient ones. Sometimes the ones we do pick make even less sense than the ones we don't pick. Like how fasting for 26 hours, "not even water?" sounds insane to the rest of the world, and is pretty much the only thing most of us grab bag Jews do. Whereas not eating shellfish, sounds like an acceptable rule to everyone, but nobody really does that because, lets face it, shrimps are tasty. And then we argue about whether pigs are unclean because they roll around in poop or whether it makes sense to walk to temple rather than drive because, after all, isnt walking alot more "work" in this Texas/Florida heat or wherever you are with its 6 feet of snow?

Anyways, it would be nice to learn more, so I do. I have been, for 2 years now, chasing knowledge, understanding... justification for why the rules are the rules. For my inquisitive non-Jews, and my inquisitive secular Jews... and for myself.

So this book... well I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for answers. Answers to moral issues like: can you be a feminist and a Chabadnik at the same time? Can you marry a non jew without ruining everything? Why, really, is it my job to rebuild the Jews post holocaust anyways, when my rabbi and his wife (preggers with child number 11) are doing a far better job than I ever could? And they keep kosher.
Unsurprisingly, the book contained no real answers. But... it did offer something I wasn't really expecting... kinship. As it turns out, I am not the only little Jewish girl in the world struggling with that same crap. The book is a collection of essays by Jewish, female authors who discuss all manner of guilt trips that one poor Jewish girl encounters, struggles with, and attempts to survive.
To start it off, the Editor's preface was me. Completely, totally, perfectly describing my issues. We are trapped in the middle of everyone's expectations for us. The feminist movement of the 70s, which says to hell with men, women are not baby machines, we will not be held back by the trappings of biology. The modern feminist movement which says, to hell with that, we can be mothers and career women and apparently can also find time to sleep (this last part is most certainly untrue... something's gotta give). Or maybe it says, I'll sleep when I'm dead, I must be wonderwoman now.
And then there's the expectations of the Orthodox movement, which will never join us in the post-feminist 21st century world. There, women are always mothers, baby machines, the heart and soul of a home, the nurturers, the homemakers... and as such are tethered to the home and expected to toil in the kitchen (for keeping kosher is not easy) and fuss over the babies (for raising 11 is no small job). For a long time I thought that this was sexist, anti-feminist, but this is not true. It simply exists in a world that has no need for the feminist movement... in this world, women simply are the homemakers, they are the keepers of Judaism, the ones that pass the laws of keeping kosher, of modesty and family purity, and of observing the holidays, and of everything else that religion entails on to the next generation. Women and men are both bound by their biology... a man must go out of the home, he must pray in a group of 10, he must work to feed the wife and umpteen children, just as the woman must stay home, must put the needs of the umpteen children over her own spiritual desire to pray and in so doing, serve her spirit and the greater good. In all honesty, it sounds like a perfectly delightful, satisfying life. But it is not the life that was laid out for me. I was told I was an equal and as such should be treated equally. I was told I had a right and a responsibility to do as much, educationally and professionally, as I could, and as such was programmed to believe that to do less would be demeaning. In essence I was never given a chance to live in a world where men and women are fundamentally, biologically, mentally, and spiritually meant for different things. Much like a Rabbi's daughter was brought up to believe that to be the same as a man would be to deny her true self, I was brought up to believe that to be different from a man would be to subvert my own.
All of this feeds into a more universal- from reform "High-Holiday Jews" (the same as your Christmas/Easter christians) to the most religious- Jewish expectation for women. To perpetuate the race... if it even is a race. It certainly is not only a religion, due to the preservation of the bloodlines for thousands of years such that a jew today can trace their DNA back to a specific tribe that wandered the desert, and such that the mitochondrial DNA can identify one a jew, should they have never heard a word of hebrew. Mitochondial DNA... that is the essence of Judaism's expectations for its women. Mitochondrial DNA is passed from mother to child, mother to child, down through the centuries such that, should one's maternal great great grandmother had been jewish, that would still be in your mitochondria today. And Judaism, like mitochondrial DNA, is passed by the mother. All you need to be born a Jew is a jewish mother. Even if your father was a turkey baster. Or Michael Jackson. Or Hitler.
Sure you can convert, and this has, I imagine, screwed up some of that mitochondrial DNA, but there it is... my mother gave me 2 things: her mitochondrial DNA, and her Judaism. But those 2 things did not make me a Jew... because religion is something you have to practice. And in order to practice, you need to be taught... you need your mother, pillar of the home, center of the family, spiritual anchor, to teach you how to braid a Challah and light a Shabbat candle and wear ankle length skirts, and visit a mikvah. My mother, as you probably have already figured out, did not really train me to do any of those things. She taught me to be a man's equal (and then my father told me I shouldnt limit myself to just being his equal), she taught me to like physics, and love space and to kinda be a jew on the side, where it fit in. I suppose by falling in with Chabad I am trying to take back a choice that was made a long time ago, by not even my parents or my grandparents, but by my great (or great great) Polish immigrant grandparents who just wanted to fit in. Well, congrats, great great grandpa, we certainly do fit in! But at what cost?
And then, because no Jewish story would be complete without this spectre hanging over us, there is also the Holocaust expectations. The make Jewish babies until you pay back every one they killed. Then make one more so that you increase our number rather than make it a zero sum equation. This is the giant, epic guilt that faces every Jew, every day. The rationale that I owe it to those who weren't allowed to be Jewish or who were slaughtered simply because they were Jewish... those who questioned rabbis, in concentration camps, whether they should be allowed to eat their rationed slice of bread on passover. Yeah, you think about that next time you only make it through 3 days before hitting the chicken nuggets. Starving people, who were fed not quite enough to survive, who became walking skeletons, and who were freezing to death besides, would have not eaten bread because it was forbidden on passover. Someone owes these people a little respect. Someone owes them to keep doing what they died attempting to do. And, of course, that someone is every single Jewish woman in the entire world, present and future.

So thats the Jewish woman guilt. And the expectations of multiple societies that we struggle with every day. Be jewish-ish? Be extra Jewish? Make Jewish babies? Make Jewish babies until you undo 6 million deaths? Be secular? Fit in? Have a career? Be equal? Be different but of equal standing? Be anything that you want? Be what you were born to be (and by who's definition)? It is impossible to be them all. My job will not permit perfect Judaism. Ask me why at 11:45pm on Friday when I am driving home from work. Ask me why next month when I get to work at 7am on Saturday. And perfect Judaism will not permit my job. Ask the woman with 11 children, who feeds the stray Jews of the community at a 30 person Shabbat dinner every week, when she would have time to control the International Space Station.

It makes every day a struggle... who wants you to be what? And who do you listen to? Well you would say the simple answer is to be who you want. I would laugh at you, if it weren't so serious. Because what you want to be is not just a matter of you, waking up and deciding this is your life... it is an attitude you were raised with, that was handed down from your mother, just like your mitochondrial DNA. I want to be an astronaut. I want to love my boyfriend, who is sweet and adorable and nerdy and so wonderful and who makes me ridiculously, sometimes unbearably happy. But alternate reality me probably would not want those things... alternate reality me, the Chabad rabbi's daughter, would want to grow up to be a rabbi's wife, just like my alternate reality mother. She would never have shaken hands with, let alone had sex with, a nice non jewish boy, no matter how wonderful he was. But all that is really beside the point, because she would never have met him because she wouldn't be an engineer. She wouldn't work for NASA or control the International Space Station or even dream of working on Friday nights after sundown. She, at 23, would probably be betrothed, if not married to some nice Yeshiva student in Brooklyn. Her life would not be emptier- in fact, in many ways it would be fuller than mine- and she would not really know any better. Like actual reality me, she might meet someone who was leading her alternate reality life and wonder what that might have been like, and she might wonder if it was better, or at least more free, if she might have been happier. But in the end she, like me, would conclude that she was leading the life she wanted because it was the life she was raised to want, and that she will keep on playing that part.

Of course all that says nothing about the intricacies of my life, which alternate reality me does not have. Because between her and I are various levels of jew-ish. Like, the level of Jewish my grandparents want- go to temple on the high holidays, marry a nice jewish boy, have nice similarly leveled jewish children, but don't do anything more. They are just as displeased that I choose to go to Chabad, wear long sleeves in July, sit on the womens side, as they would be if I married a non-jew and had mitochondrially Jewish but maybe not actually Jewish children. Or the level of Jewish my dad wants- he who thinks that rice and beer are fine on passover, that this "no pork" thing is stupid, that orthodox jews treat women as second class citizens. And then theres the constantly evolving level of Jewish I am... like maybe this pork thing was a silly idea, or maybe I will pick a new kosher thing to do and then be a step closer to being less Jew-ish and more Jewish.

Bottom line things are these:
1. There's too much pressure to be everything to everybody.
2. Nobody actually wants anything in a vacuum, there are always factors.
3. I have made a decision... I WILL do what I want. Which is this: date Dan. Maybe, hopefully, wishfully marry Dan. I will raise good, intelligent children to be just as messed up as I am but maybe not quite as Jewish. I will go to Chabad and not eat pork for as long as it damn well suits me to do so. I will believe that sitting on the womens side does not make me less of an equal to men in my secular life, nor does it actually devalue me in my spiritual life. And I will not, no matter who I marry, actually undo any of the multitude of wrongs perpetrated during the holocaust. I cannot singlehandedly, nor as a group of put-upon Jewish women, make up for the evil in the world and I refuse to believe that it is my duty to even try.

I'm back!

Its been long enough, don't you think?
Well I do. And I miss writing. So much. To put words down and think that someone, somewhere, might read them. That they might matter to the world even for just a moment.

Why am I writing at 3am? Not the usual reason, which is that I used to write when I couldn't sleep, while having mental breakdowns in the middle of the night and sat sobbing in the dark while roommates, family, friends were sleeping around me. Nope, this is a better reason! I am in Mission Control for the International Space Station. We staff 24/7, and tonight it is my turn to babysit the billion dollar government vehicle in the middle of the night.

Since the last time I wrote, I got certified. Which means I earned the right to sit here at 3am. Since the last time I wrote, I got my heart broken. And with the help of friends, family, and time, I managed to survive. Since the last time I wrote, I started dating a new boy. And bought a house. My little sister graduated from college and got a job in Georgia. My little brother started at UCF.

I sit here, exhausted, at the edge of consciousness, waiting for things to go wrong, praying they all stay right. I have 4 more hours til handover, 5 more til I can go to bed. My american express bill was over $5,000, higher than I think it has ever been. My maintenance required light in my car has been on for a month. I have bugs, no curtains, and need to vacuum. PVTCS 1B is gonna undertemp on me one of these days, thats what the beeping in my ear is trying to tell me.

Also, I am happy. The kind of happy that you usually want to punch people for. Sometimes I just walk around with a stupid cheesy smile pasted on my face. I can't really explain it, and I'm not sure there's any good reason for it. I mean work is good... but theres still alot of bureaucratic crap not to mention me being here at 3:30 in the morning and sleep deprived. And the house is awesome... but also turning into a bit of a money pit. Plus, did I mention the bugs? Oh and I have yet to mention that I mowed on Saturday and am now sore (I have triceps... I know this because I feel them), mosquito bitten, blistered, and not the least bit interested in ever doing that again. And the boyfriend... well, I will get to that in a second. But all these things, while lovely, are not any more perfect than things ever have been. Plus I live in Houston, bottom 5 of great cities in the world, plus approximately 9,000 degrees in July. Most things are about as imperfect as things are. But still, I feel... happy.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, you are saying. Fine.

So lets talk about the boyfriend. Pros: He's nice. Funny. Kinda cute, in a nerdy sort of way. Puts up with a fair amount of my craziness. Likes my hair short. Is restoring an old beetle in his garage (this impresses me greatly). Has an entire bookshelf full of dorky sci fi books. He works for USA, like me... and he's smart.
[Aside: You may not know, because I pretended like it didn't matter, but I always worried that if ex (from now on we will not use his name) and I had kids they would be dumb. Not like "average intelligence but dumber than me" dumb... like, actual dumb. Like 'I need my mommy to do my homework' dumb or... functionally illiterate dumb. And lets face it. The world needs no more dumb people. The world needs smart people. The world needs smart people to breed more smart people. If I had procreated with ex, I think I would have given up my right to complain about dumb people the way people who don't vote give up their right to complain about who is elected. On the other hand, now he is free to go off and breed with his tramp, or other dumb girl of his choosing... probably will overpower any good I could do for the gene pool.]

Anyways, if you could not tell, I have totally fallen for this guy. But I am attempting to proceed with caution. I want to be good at what I do, I want to be completely in love with this job, I want to be smart, I want to be a writer even if it is just a blog. I want to make sarcastic jokes and talk excitedly in acronyms nobody can follow. I want to take pride in all the things I don't need a husband for... I mowed my own lawn damnit! I want to spend hours on the phone with my bestest buddy Alifaya talking about nothing in particular. I want to go places and do things because I want to do them. I want to do sit-ups just because I can and not because they'll make me look better naked. When I was younger and less together I forgot how important that stuff was. And I don't want to do that again.

We'll save the Jew/nonJew conversation for another post. For now, just know that somehow I am in this glorious moment-in-the-sun kind of place in my life and, though I doubt it can last forever, things are pretty awesome. Now only an hour and a half til handover... must. stay. awake.

Bacon

Why is this post titled Bacon? Well because I have given up bacon. And pork. I don't really miss bacon... I mean its good but I never eat bacon. I eat... bacon cheeseburgers, or bacon chicken wraps. So now I just eat cheeseburgers and chicken wraps. It doesn't seem to matter. What do I miss? Sausage. And pepperoni. In fact I think I need to make a special exception for pepperoni. It was kinda a knee jerk reaction after Yom Kippur. I got a good dose of jewish guilt that day and then decided I should stop my evil pork eating ways. Which sounded easy when you talk about bacon. But harder when you talk about sausage.

Work... what to say about work. Well they decided that two of every class would go first into the breach (aka sim flow). So me and Mark were picked for Spartan (as the best two, because we are) and we participated last two weeks in eval sims for the different disciplines. These were the toughest, craziest, power failure heaviest sims we have ever had. And they were really really fun. I got a good eval too, including one outstanding. So yeah work is going well. The week after thanksgiving, we have another sim... our last of the year. And then in January we start generic sims... 5 of those then we are certified (or at least thats the plan). I really cant wait to be certified. All these months of hard work finally paying off. And I know its alot of off normal hours (nights, weekends) and many many months of boredom but every so often theres a few moments of terror. Just 2 weeks ago they had a major on orbit failure at midnight. Thats gonna be our shift. Which means I could be the one that gets the major failure next time. And I think, if that happens, I would be ready for it. Because we had basically the same failure in the last sim. And it went well.
Then its on to specialist training, specialist sims, specialist cert. And then instructor. And along the way procedures, and I actually enjoy writing procedures. And other paperwork of varying levels of interest. But I go to sleep every night knowing that because of something I did today, people will continue to live and work safely in space. And thats... more than I ever hoped for. People. In space. And I get to be a part of it.

Next week is thanksgiving and I'm going to New York with Rami's family. Well, meeting them there. As long as its not snowing in Baltimore. I got a new wintery coat for... I dont know.. winter? And I finally finally got a fleecy vest. I always want them and I never get one cuz its hot. But this year I'm going to new york and then back to manchester and then also probably to Colorado with some coworkers in Feb and it also gets a little cold in Texas from time to time. Plus it was only like 11$ at the crazy old navy sale. So I finally have one.

Oh and I was watching Say Yes to the Dress and thinking about weddings and stuff. How crazy is it that people spend 4,000... 6,000... 10,000 dollars on a wedding dress. I hope to get mine from the Davids bridal $99 dollar sale. Or just some Dillards prom dress that happens to be white-ish. Yeah all that sounds better than spending 6,000 on a custom fitted designer gown. Oh and another thing... dont do beading above the waist. It will rub your arms raw. My mom had a beautiful beaded dress that I borrowed once for some formal party and though it looked wonderful and fancy... my arms were all red and splotchy and hurt like nothing else the next day. But then, I don't tolerate beauty pain very well. And also, I notice that none of these dresses have sleeves or even straps. Does everyone wear a shrug for their church wedding? Or does nobody even have church weddings anymore?

Anyways, thats whats on my mind today. :-) Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Catching up

Hanging out at Hobby airport but cant post it because no internet. Well yes internet, but I am not paying $7.95 for a day's worth of internet when I will only be here for a half hour. Lame.

Anyways I realize that I haven't posted in a really long time. Things are going awesome here.
1. Sims...
I wrote after the first sim... since then I have done sims numbered 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 14. Haha they started rearranging due to some technical difficulties. Sadly that pushes out certification date out til February. Happily (for me, not the people who WILL be working those days) that means I will not have to work Christmas or Thanksgiving this year. But anyways, so the minisims have been really cool. I haven't always done great (7 was particularly not so pretty) and then 14 was emergency day. We have 3 types of emergencies, designated for their danger to the crew. Things that just hurt the vehicle are called warnings and are serious, but not nearly as serious as an emergency. As I learned in this sim, things move really fast in an emergency. The crew has a memorized response to safe themselves with the lifeboat (Soyuz). Its so different than failures in my system (although these CAN BE failures in my system... more on that later). When the power system or external thermal control system fails that OUTSIDE, 99% of the time. And being outside, we can send all those commands from the ground. We dont need the crew's help. But with emergencies, you have to have the crew's help. So ok the three emergencies are: Fire, Rapid Depress, and Toxic Atmosphere. Fire is in fact a failure in my system... theres no matches or cigarettes so the fires are most likely to be electrical fires. And I provide the electricity. So if something trips (like the circuit breaker in your house would) you send the crew to smell for smoke, unless the life support people find the smoke first (according to one of my instructors, you should always beat the life support person to the fire...I did not, better luck next time!) So then you have to work with this giant confusing table of fire ports to direct the crew to take CO2 readings and see if theres a fire. Fire is scary... for me. But we got through it ok.
Rapid depress... eh I dont really care too much. Thats at least not my system. But imagine you are in a giant space bubble and suddenly it gets a hole in it. Scary, yes? So the crew first leak checks their Soyuz cuz if thats leaking its bad bad bad news. Then they proceed to try and close hatches until they find the module with the hole and isolate it. And depending on how big it is, maybe you patch it, or maybe you lose that module... and any others forward of it.
Toxic atmosphere... there are various levels. But the worst in when ammonia from the ETCS breaks through the heat exchanger and gets into the cabin. 100% pure ammonia at 2000kPa going into water at a much much much lower pressure. And as you probably know, even a tiny bit of ammonia can give you physical symptoms... and a little bit more (200 ppm if you ask NASA) can kill you. So ammonia is bad. And again, kinda my fault. Not much you can do about that though, once the ammonia's in its pretty hard to get it out.
So the end result of emergency day is hopefully your crew is alive. Probably your space station is not happy. Maybe your crew is going home. Its kinda a depressing day. Thankfully they have never had an emergency on board but you train and train and train because 6 or more lives depend on how you perform if ever there is an emergency.

Ok, next subject... 2. Austin!!!
Fact: Austin is way better than Dallas.
Austin is a really cool crazy city with lots of stuff going on. And its surprisingly driveable- unlike stupid Houston. Things Meg and I did in Austin: Went for tex mex and had the creepiest waiter and terrible "guacamole," toured a winery, shopped downtown, got chocolate truffles, ate a fantastic dinner, saw a bunch of crazed Texas fans in burnt orange, got really drunk (repeatedly, actually), stayed in a fancy hotel, went to a fabulous brunch, fed the peacocks and their babies, saw 150 year old homes that people still use!!, went to a huge antique mall in a barn, and then sadly, I went home. But I saw baby cows along the way.
(Continued from the Orlando airport... yay free internet here!)
Things we did not do in Austin: get pulled over, fear for our lives at some sketch parking lot, freeze to death, almost get my car towed. It was generally awesome. So far, Austin is my favorite town in Texas. Fuck Dallas. And btw, I LOVE YOU MEG!


3. Nostalgia. To get there I had to take I-10 west out of the city. The same stretch that Ali, Gregg, and I drove back in the day when we went to Santa Fe. Again the traffic, is the overwhelming thing I remember. And I put on the CD he made for the trip, for old times sake. Just made me think about the old days and think about where we are now... did we ever think, back then, that things would end up this way? Could we ever have known? I certainly never planned to be living in Texas, never planned to be working for NASA (hoped, yes), never expected to stick myself in the same kind of long distance relationship that they hadn't at that time even started. Never expected any of this. But you know what they say about God laughing while we make plans.

4. Other stuff: Before that was Labor day weekend in Orlando. And before that my 23 birthday making me officially old. I am starting to like life a little better in Houston... I went to ikea and bought some new plates for my new apartment. And I've started cooking from this awesome little cooking magazine my mom started sending me. Now that its getting cooler again I dont loathe leaving the house (until next summer.. the summers are truly brutal) and hopefully my electricity bill will calm itself down. And work is getting cooler by the second. I am not always amazing in those sims, but I enjoy it and I have fun and I can tell I'm getting better as time goes on... I don't need to be perfect today, just better than yesterday and have I mentioned, its really freaking fun.

5. In summary... So thats my story. I'm off to Fort Lauderdale for Rosh Hashana with the family. Should be fun even if they are a little crazy. :-)

First Sim!!

So today I had my first run in the simulator. We were supposed to have our own special operator simulator but it is delayed so we are doing them in the full up real people simulator. It is a realistic mockup of the actual mission control center that people have been doing their full scale sims in for years.
Its so exciting, the computers, the comm system, the big board... everything is so real.
And so there I was running my wonderful nominal timeline when I get a biiig warning on the board. One that means if I dont act, I will lose my power channel. Unfortunately, there wasnt margin available to do a loads transfer the normal way. So there I am doing a complete power down. Not fair... ETHOS gets a fan overspeed, ADCO gets a clearing steering problem, CRONUS gets a measly TDRS realign. And I get a giant, honking, bright red, angry, power channel killing WARNING!
Soooo.... yeah but I had a good time. When I was in there I was juttery and needed to take a deep breath and then explain myself to the flight director and work my procedures. Happy to say that my biggest fear (command error) didn't happen. I minded my LOS periods (when the station isnt in satelite communication so we cant command to it or get telemetry). And even though its a scary procedure with some pitfalls, I still made it through ok.
And so I am quite proud of myself. I mean sure I wasnt perfect. My console logs are crap. My calls to the flight director need some work. But... I'm working on it. And now I know better what to work on.
Anyways, I'm pretty happy. Now I'm having a glass of wine and watching some tv then off to bed. YAY flight control. My job rocks alot!

Insanity...

So for the past like 3 months I've been having a crazy crazy life. First, March and April: Weekend 2 of March Rami here for his spring break, me in both Ft. Lauderdale and Orlando for my spring "break" a week later, then Dallas to visit Meg, then back to Orlando for a pre-passover celebration, then back to Fort Lauderdale for something with Rami's fam, then finally finally a weekend at home to sleep and do laundry.

Dallas- Was awesome! And also not awesome! First of all, drove 5 hours to get there. Took me like 2 of those hours fighting Houston rush hour traffic... twice. First the space center traffic into the city, then the city traffic to the suburb north of the city. But it was so so awesome to see Meg. And her aunt who we stayed with was so sweet and welcoming and it was awesome. BUT... fuck dallas. Don't even remember all the ridiculous reasons why Dallas sucks since it was a long time ago and alot of shit has happened since but the basics are: poor Meg (literally and figuratively, heh) got a ticket for turning right on red which you're apparently not allowed to do in Dallas. Then my insurance had expired like a week before (oops) and he threatened to impound my car... another stupid dallas law. STUPID. Meg and I decided we dont wanna go back to that evil, horrible place. STUPID.

Before I left for Orlando the weekend before Passover, I told the office at my apartment about the big crack in the bathtub. Again. This time they finally did something, which was to schedule people for that monday morning to come to my apartment and resurface the tub. I was told not to come home for 8 hours because of the fumes and I didnt. They resurfaced the tub but then the whole apartment smelled and it was sticky for days afterwards. And, a few days later it started to crack again. Whatever.

Also, when I paid March's rent, I hadn't yet recieved my water bill (water is submetered so I got a bill for somewhere between 5 and 10$ every month) so I paid $15 extra, figuring that it would definitely cover my water bill and then since I was gonna be away alot, I wouldn't have to worry. With that check for rent + water I included a note nobody bothered to read saying I hadn't gotten my bill so was adding $15 so it would certainly be enough. Then I got my water bill and it was for $4 so I KNOW that I had overpaid. I went into the office to mention that and the guy there said it would be fine and would carry over to next month. Next month I got a water bill of $7 so again I knew I would have money roll over. However when I got back from Fort Lauderdale after that last weekend I had a note in my door saying I owed $7. $7.70 to be exact. I called the office and explained and they said they would take care of it. Then I called back the next day and they hadn't fixed it but were like oh well you need to bring us a copy of the bills so we can see that it really was covered. So I did. And I even checked again after I dropped that in the night box that they were dealing with it. Well when I returned from a bar with coworkers on the following Friday night, my first weekend home in a looong time, I had ANOTHER note. This one threatened to bring court proceedings to evict me. Over $7.70. THAT I DIDNT EVEN OWE. Well being freaked out by this evil letter I went into the office the next day (a saturday, so of course the manager wasnt there) and got them to give me written notice that i didn't owe money. Their excuse was that they sent the note before they actually fixed it. Which was 5 days after I told them they were wrong, and 3 after I gave them the proof in the night drop. Stupid.
Plus, in the middle of all this I also got a letter saying my lease was up and I needed to either sign a new lease or give notice to leave. Well between the unhelpful morons in the office and the again cracking tub, I wasn't sure I wanted to renew but I also didn't feel like moving. Its alot of work, alot of money, and besides, where would I go? Another apartment complex where the same thing would happen all over again.
Well, then, my decision was made for me. The following week I was working late hours studying for a big work test on all software functions and software protections in my entire system, a huuuge amount of material. Wednesday I returned home from work about 6:30 and I inserted my key into my door. The lock was kinda sticky so I could tell from how easily the key turned that the door was unlocked. This is it, I figured, someone from the apartment complex is in here waiting to tell me I'm evicted because those morons still don't realize I already paid them. So I opened the door (maybe not the smartest thing but I really thought it was those idiots). This is when I saw that my laptop (normally on the couch) was gone. Turning my head, I could see the door frame wood was split top to bottom. Someone had broken open my door!!!
Freaking out, I ran back to my car, got in, locked the door and call the cops. And Rami. And my mom. And finally (probably not that long after) the cop came. They cleared the apartment, dusted for fingerprints, and took my statement. I found out from the apartment repairman that someone else in the apartment complex was broken into. The total taken: My laptop, my big pretty tv, my gun (broken out of the safe I kept it in, in the drawer I hid that in), and my laptop case (presumably for carrying the laptop). And my ability to sleep for a really long time.
From the way only certain things were missing and nothing else appeared touched. I wondered if it was the tub repairman. I had just come back from a weekend away, I hadn't hidden my laptop... and how exactly would you hide a 32 inch television? And the gun was always hidden. They certainly could have seen the laptop and TV and opened a few drawers until they found the safe. Then knowing that I worked all day and the apartment was unattended, they could have planned to come back for those few things only 3 weeks later. I will never know. And my stuff will never be found. Its gone now.

After dealing with the police, I threw some clothes in a suitcase and left. Katie took me in for a few nights and I got a guy I know from work to go back to the apartment with me the next night so I could sort through some things (and in my haste to get out, I had forgotten underwear the night before)... I was afraid to return alone. Weirdly, this has given me a more intense fear of the dark even though the robbery happened in broad daylight.
My mom came that sunday (she was busy saturday night) and I took off work on Monday to go hunting for a new place to live. I found that place and 5 days later, on the first of the month, I signed the lease. That night was the last I slept in my old apartment, save once. I didn't have time to book movers that quickly so I bought an air mattress and I moved over all my work clothes, some other clothes, my little bedroom tv (19 in rear projection.... lame!), my tivo, and some dishes, food and stuff that weekend. I lived here like a squatter for a while.

The weekend after that I went back to Ft Lauderdale for Rami's bar removal surgery. That was a terrible, awful experience. Poor kid was in surgery for hours, and then in such pain they had to keep him on morphine overnight (so he had to stay) and... I guess I know I really love him now because I couldn't really eat or sleep, thinking about him in the hospital. Ugh... awful. And with all that, I couldn't get it together to move the following weekend, so I used that to empty all my drawers and pack everything up in boxes. Also, I got an alarm system installed. A real, monitored one so I would be able to sleep at night and not worry during the day. It helps, but I wouldn't say I'm worry free.
Then hired movers for the following weekend to move my big furniture (CR-V is wonderful, but not that big), took Friday morning off to do the move then headed to work for a class in the afternoon. Rami came that thursday night so he was with me to meet the movers. We did actually stay in the old apartment that night cuz the movers were coming early that morning and I was glad I had him with me cuz that place still freaks me out. Then my parents came in Friday night and we had a good weekend. They helped me finish moving out the last little bit, and my dad and rami put light kits on the fans (how weird that they were just fans without built in lights) and a blackout pull down window shade in the bedroom. Mom helped me too, setting up the home entertainment system with my new TV and some cool cabinet stuff for my kitchen.
That weekend we also went to Astros game, Melting pot for dinner, and I took them on a JSC tour which was all awesome.
This weekend, I went and bought a little DIY bookcase to keep my printer and some other stuff on. It looks real cute in my living room. And I checked out of the old place for good. Whatever they decide to charge me for (like the fingerprint dust that would never come off), at least I don't have to live there again. I still have a bunch of boxes to unpack but its feeling like home a little more every day. So far the management seems alot more useful and reasonable. The gate broke and was fixed a couple days later. Unlike at the old place where the gate broke and was never fixed. So I guess its turning out to be a good choice.

And thats my story. Crazy life, isn't it?