Best Week Ever!

So alot of coolness this week. Yesterday's high was 35 degrees which ended with... SNOWING. At 9ish I went out on my balcony and caught some flurried. Then when I woke up the next morning...
The grass outside my apt looked like this:








And my car looked like this:

















And then, to top it all off. Ok, so the shuttle was diverted from landing at Kennedy due to some bad weather there, so it landed in California. And then they had to strap it to the top of an airplane and fly it back. So they arranged a low low low flyover of the space center to let all of us see it. Once in a lifetime experience. And here's a picture taken by not me because I don't have a camera but check it out:














And to top it off... Rami comes to visit me on Sunday for a whole week! Yay!

I'm thankful for...

First I want to continue the previous gender role commentary-- something I was talking about with my dad and other, very skeptical family members. How can you expect the software to not be sexist when the hardware naturally is. Women alone can give birth, can breastfeed. God created people with natural differences... and these differences lead people to assume certain roles. When a baby cries it is not crying for daddy, its crying for milk, mommy's milk. So it makes some kind of sense that women would naturally make themselves available to care for the children. Meanwhile, men naturally build more muscle than women, which would make them naturally geared toward leaving the home for the harsh wide world and hunt the buffalo for dinner or whatever. Now we've evolved as a society from that, maybe even made changes to the software that allows the women to leave the home and do the modern equivalent of hunting the buffalo (hehe, both grocery shopping and making the money) and can even do weird things like paternity leave, but maybe there is nothing wrong with recognizing that people are, by their genetic makeup, going to fall into certain gender roles because certain things are more naturally built in. I don't presume to say that my life goes against nature, or that stay at home dads are flawed. But I do mean to say that maybe judaism isn't that off. Especially since these things are not required, they are simply recognized. Would it be better if judaism expected the women who raise 9 children to show up at temple for shacharit... expecting them to leave the kids home sleeping and forget breakfast and cleaning and nursing just to better serve god? No, because the home is the future, those 9 kids are the future, and a religion should at the very least not prey on its own ability to continue. And at the same time if you do show up you won't be turned away, you can participate more than is required and you can make your husband cook dinner. Gender roles... Theyre more like guidelines then actual rules hehe.

Aanyways, what else is up? Went home for thanksgiving. Saw the family and Rami. Had a great family Thanksgiving dinner with all the fixings. But the real excitement is the weekend. My parents left for Orlando around 4 on friday, after we saw the new James Bond movie. And I must say I do enjoy the addition of an airplane chase and strafing to the usual menu of car chase and gunfire. Then Rami and I went to Shabbat dinner with his family, then we drove up to orlando. Along the way we stopped at the light show in Quietwaters park, and I got a really yummy steak and shake milkshake and *GASP* we ate in the car! Then the next morning we deep fried a couple turkey breasts for lunch while tailgating. Then the game.... we lost, miserably. But Rami got a super fancy press pass and so he got to shoot the game from the sidelines-- and he got 2 pictures of it published in the paper monday. And another pic from the game in today's Central Florida Future.

Then this week we started our discipline specific training, and we had our first test yesterday, followed by a whole lecture on what to look for when OJTing next time, which we will do in a couple weeks, after the new year though.
And tonight I called a little girls night.... 3 girls from work and one of the guy's wife came over. I asked everyone to bring a food or drink but people made more than one as did I. We had margaritas and wine and all kinds of snacks and sat around talking. Then the husband of the one girl and 2 guys from work that he was out with were bored so they came over, probably to eat our food which was totally fine cuz we had sooo much leftover. So it was quite fun. I was mostly cleaned up, have one pan left to wash when i cut my finger open on the blender blade and it was bleeding alot so I had to bandaid it and call it a night. Now I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend and getting some much needed sleep. Going home, with the early morning kitchen noise and wild tailgate parties doesn't really make it easy to get sleep. Especially when the weekend starts with a 4:30 wakeup call for an early OJT shift.

And since its midnight here, I think im gonna turn in.

Oh but what am I thankful for? God, and religion, and a chance to figure out my faith. Family, and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend. And for my awesome job and great coworkers Things are looking up. And its only 9 days til Rami comes to visit for a WHOLE week. And 11 days til New Hampshire. And 25 days til New Years. And hopefully less than a year til I'm certified!

Crazy couple of weeks

First we finished the first 8 weeks of our training-- the ones that were not specific to the system we were gonna be working with but common for all the new operators. We learned about the MCC computer systems and all the different programs and tools available. We got an overview of all the station systems so we know how all the systems interact at a basic level. And we had command training. It used to be many many long pages of information you read on your own but they condensed it into 2 weeks of quick classroom lessons. And then at the end of that is an oral exam. And when you pass that, youre officially allowed to send commands to the station. Although what commands to send takes alot more training. Anyways, I got command certified on Friday... which I was nervous but it went ok and now I've passed. Its my first certification, so I'm happy.
And we've had the shuttle at the station so lots of opportunities to shadow on console (we call it ojt). We were asked to do at least 4 so I've so far done 3 and my last is tomorrow morning (6am-1pm). Its been cool I've seen 3 EVAs- space walks fixing things outside the station and some other cool learning stuff- how they handle a problem, how they have to evaluate what to do to fit inside the flight rules that are required circumstances for safe station operation. Lots of neat stuff. So it was fun, though tomorrow is gonna be a little rough. I'm getting up at 4:30 to make sure I finish packing. Then heading to an early work. Then straight to the airport when I'm done to fly home for Thanksgiving.
So thats mostly whats going on. One more topic....

Remember a few weeks ago I said I was trying to figure out the whole Chabad thing and I didn't know if crazy feminist Stephanie could ever button up and sit on the "other" side. But this one in Houston is different than the one Rami took me to in Orlando. The rabbi is really nice and sat down to answer my questions and seems to actually care whether I feel comfortable with these beliefs and am gonna keep coming back. His wife too, and the kids are so sweet, so well behaved, and the whole thing.. its like having family nearby.
So lets see the list, all the things that kinda freak me out:
Separated seating. Not being counted. Not being encouraged to participate. The traditional gender roles. Reading the Torah.
So to start, separated seating. Basically for the reason you think, which is that youre there to pray not be distracted by the opposite sex and their ankles, or whatever. Hehe I think its a little ridiculous that you cant simply expect people to focus on God and not on the hot girl next to them but I guess theres no denying human nature. My bigger problem is that maybe youre training people that women are a distraction which makes them less interested in working with women like me who pop up in so called mens professions and kinda contributes to the idea that women are more pretty faces and less strong, equal minds. But again, its probably true that a person you think is attractive could be a distraction and its kinda nice that theres none of the pressure to look pretty and be attractive, and none of the conversation... people really just go, shut up, and pray. And I will never accept separate education-- because women will be and should be in the same jobs, same classes; but when you approach god there can be this special, personal way of doing things.
Not being counted-- for this you need a bit of background on Judaism. Certain prayers cannot be said except in the presence of at least 10 men, a biblically rooted ban on gathering for nefarious purposes. Kind of a way to train people to meet for good reasons, with god in mind. So ok in conservative judaism everyone who has been bar/bat mitzvah'd is counted. That means men and women. But in Chabad, only the adult males are counted. You can have 100 women, but if you only have 9 men its just not enough. So that seems a little back of the bus, doesnt it? Why arent women counted? But actually it is because women are not required, like men, to be in the presence of 10 in order to say the prayers. Women can pray alone. Now this (and we will get to this issue in a minute) is becaue women are expected to have other duties... raising children, making dinner, keeping the household that may burden their time and not allow them the time to get to the temple to pray. So they can anyways. Its not a way to exclude women, its actually kind of a way to exclude men. Or lessen their stance in front of god. One woman can approach god all by herself and say her prayers, but a man requires 9 others to do the same.
I like a little encouragement to participate. But maybe that says more about me than about the religion. When I went to the Chabad by UCF with Rami the men all lined up to pray but nobody ever paid attention to the women, tried to get them to shut up and sit down. So they all stood in the kitchen and chatted and made me feel like there was no reason for me to pray, like nobody was listening. But thats not really true, because only god needs to listen and he was so who cares about the rest of them. However, it kinda turned me off to it that there was nobody leading my service, nobody standing next to me. But at this Chabad.. well first the womens side is not adjoining the kitchen. And also, though I usually get there early and the other people (men and women) trickle in, I have only been alone once and then I just grabbed a prayer book and followed along. But also when theres talking, the rabbi's wife sits on the womens side and pipes in all kinds of comments. The divider blocks the oppposite sexes from being seen, but not from being the same congregation. It was more in the logistics and members of the UCF Chabad that made it, and not a trait of all Chabads everywhere.
Gender roles. Orthodox judaism is one of the worst perpetrators of this gender role stuff. Even the stuff I have said so far, like the not being required to pray with a group because other household stuff may get in your way... thats indicative of a system that asks women to stay home and take care of the home while men are able and in fact required to go outside the home. And yeah theres all this stuff about how women are more introspective and naturally attuned to be the center of the home and whatever. Well thats only some women, thats not all women. But there isnt actually a rule that requires the women to take care of the children (just to, for obvious reasons, give birth to them) and theres no rule that requires the women to cook. And there is also nothing that prohibits women from getting a job outside the home. The law goes like this: if you dont want to work, your husband must support you. If you do want to work, you must add your earnings to the household pool and your husband is required to feed you and clothe you, though now partially with your money. However you can decide to keep all your own earnings and support yourself, but he is then freed from his bonds to support you. Basically, in ancient times women did not have the same earning potential as men so this ensured that they would be cared for no matter how much or little they could make. And if you make alot, you are then able to keep it all if you want to support yourself that way. Which ok, so it does have an overall air of gender roles but not hard line for women to follow them. In fact I can be super manly... i am never required to have children or stay home or not have a job. I can basically be whoever I want and am not bound to conform. Men are not so lucky... they are bound by the Ketuvah (jewish marriage document still signed today in its original aramaic [the jewish equivalent of latin]) to support their wives, and have to work to do so. And they are required by god to have children, which they are required to go find a woman to do properly.
Finally... Torah. Its the jewish holy book, I hope most of you knew that, and it is read on saturday mornings as a way of studying. And this, despite getting an explanation, i still dont really approve of. Its only read by men, who are commanded to hear it, and so, according to my rabbi, the commandment can only be fulfilled if you hear it read by someone who is also commanded to hear it... another man. Part of that whole women having more things to do and may not get to temple, is that they arent commanded to hear the torah because it could get in the way of household duties. So anyways, I dont realy like this still, because I dont really get why this holds true and it does seem to be devised to keep women separate and use their child rearing duties to hold them away from something sacred. Plus, I really liked reading Torah, and I hate giving it up. And I still plan to have my daughters have the chance to have a Chabad bat mitzvah where they dont read or a less religious one where they get to do everything. So when they grow up they will also have that to go back to and get to make their own choices like I am making. And maybe they'll like a more permissive, integrated, equal group and they will know that that is as ok as the choice I made in the opposite direction.
Anyways, I went back there for Friday night dinner last week and again, its so nice. The rabbi's wife is like the nicest lady ever. She said she was having a smaller shabbat dinner since her husband was out of town which still included all her kids that are still home, and 3 guests... and 4 courses. I just, thats not little, thats a big deal. Its nice, its different.. but I really like it.
So yeah, thats whats new in my life. And its almost bedtime since I have to get up super early tomorrow.

Awesomest Halloween since mom's red slipper prank

Ok so in the pic at right you can see most of operator class 1 (I'm front row, 1st on the left) dressed as old timey apollo flight controllers (like you would see in apollo 13) for Halloween. Thats in the historic flight control room with actual consoles from back in the day. And if you look to the far right there's a door and through that door theres the dark and slightly creepy back room that used to house the AV equipment for the old timey big board. And if you walk through that room you get to a room in which station peeps run simulations. And because I am crazy awesome, this is the room where I have been taking all my command training classes and where I spend the next week taking more of them. Sometimes it is too amazing how awesome my job is. Also, because its funny, if you look to the back right you will see Mark, a fellow spartan, making a very important call to the president on the red phone. Well it would be red if this were in color. Actually I have the color version, but the black and white one is just amazing. You cant see it on me, but we all have amazing pocket protectors with little badge holders in the front.

So what else is up? It was actually a pretty good week. On Tuesday, it was Katie's bday so we went to this wine bar across the street from my apt complex and got drinks and some appetizers. Then I had my last softball game of the season at 9 and it was fun. I hope they let me play with them next season. And then on Friday we had to do presentations, which you know makes me nervous, but we were also dressed up for Halloween which made it fun and I think it went well despite my being nervous. On Friday night we went down to Rice Village and ended up at a really fun bar that played kinda 80's ish, countryish, popish, rockish music and I was driver so I only had 1 beer but it was alot of fun. Yesterday I was a bum ( I think I'm getting sick) and then today I went to the mall with Nicole and got a bunch of new sweaters and stuff to wear to work. Which is good cuz its been getting chilly so I've worn pretty much the same sweater over my work clothes all day every day which I think makes people think I dont own any clothes. Sadly, that was true, so I dropped a bunch of money on some sweaters, another pair of pants, and some more cute underwear. Also I really want a pair of boots but I just cant bring myself to spend the money. Maybe next year. I've always wanted knee high boots but I have big calves (muscle, and on top of that a nice layer of fat) which makes them either completely not fit or look odd and be uncomfortable if I can actuall get the boot on. Also I was productive enough today to wash my bed and clean out the fridge. Kinda proud of that. :-)

This week we have alot of command training classes, how to work the programs and the rules for when to use them... all for the certification to send commands to the actual international space station. I mean, we still cant use it until we get our real flight controller certification but... still pretty cool. Tuesday we start a little later but we have class until 9pm. And on Friday I have a flight to Orlando at 1:55 because its Homecoming!! I'm really bummed that classes didnt work out to get me back there in time for Spirit Splash which is my favorite UCF tradition ever. Its cold and its crazy and the water is obviously full of all sorts of stuff you dont want to think about but its also so crazy and so fun and theres rubber ducks!

A few weeks ago Rami came to visit. I planned out everything... we did a Shabbat dinner (that is a topic for a different, really long, and probably really boring entry), went to the Zoo (eh), went ice skating at the Galleria mall (yes, ice skating in the mall, it was lots of fun) and then out for a nice dinner. It was fun but now I gotta do better next time he comes, in December. The next 2 trips are mine, to Orlando next weekend and then to Plantation/Orlando for Thanksgiving.

So anyways, thats pretty much whats new these days. When I realize its already November, its just crazy. Time seems to pass quickly, I think its the absense of waiting for something. When youre at school you always are looking forward to that next break, the next semester, and to graduation. But with work, yeah I'm looking forward to the Christmas break (New Hampshire, Plantation, Disney World) and to the next time I get to see my family, Rami, and friends, and of course to getting certified (next freaking fall/winter) but its not as urgent a need to finish this semester, finish these projects, take these tests, and finally get to relax. Also, weekends are always for hanging out and sleeping in... theres no homework (they pay you to do that ;-)) Sometimes it seems to drag on, when I go a long time without getting to see Rami, getting to see my family, getting to hang with everyone that I used to hang out with all the time. But it kinda blurs and speeds up and it doesnt take long for the next important thing, next class, next weekend in FL to make it fade into the background.

Thats all for now. Love you guys!

Hurricane Ike and High Holidays

So as you may know we had a hurricane here about a week and a half ago. They shut the space center down on wednesday when work ended and I came home to try to get some stuff ready-- bring my things in off the patio, do some laundry while there was still power and water, and talk to my mom. My original original plan was to go to Texarkana where my friend Elizabeth is living for her job, but that is 6 hours north before you start adding evacuation traffic (and mandatory evacuations were starting at 7am... plus at this point we were still expecting to go to work for some, if not all, of Thursday). So I decided it would be easier to stay in my apartment. I had canned food, water, flashlights, and nearly a full tank of gas which would have taken me to nowhere near Texarkana (as a full tank barely got me from home to Orlando and that is twice as far, plus sitting in bumper to bumper traffic with the AC on because its 90 degrees out there does not help gas mileage any) but would certainly be enough to last me for the few days after the storm. This was not my first rodeo, as they say, so I thought I would be fine. I think that was mostly fake confidence because I didnt really see better options, and not because I actually think I could have handled this storm on my own. Then my mom calls me freaking out about how I dont have a landline so if the power went out and my cell tower got knocked down I would be out of internet and cell reach and nobody would know what happened to me. Still playing brave I told her I would go find a payphone after the storm if I needed to and that it would be fine. Then she calls me a little later saying that she and my dad (usually the calm one, so I knew it was serious when she was in it) would pay for me to fly out to Florida the next day to avoid the storm. I was still pretending I would be fine in the storm but certainly wasnt going to turn down a trip home so I set to packing and preparing the apartment to leave the next morning. Checking my work email, the official word was to open the space center until noon and then let everyone go on evacuation leave to prepare and bunker down.
So I got up the next morning, with a ticket into Orlando booked for 8:20pm, and finished packing, collected the stuff from my fridge that was sure to go bad and get gross, shoved everything else in the freezer praying that a short power outage combined with the amount of frozen foods and me not being there to open the door might actually result in my food making it through the experience. I has been planning to make lasanga and tacos so I had all the ingredients and I didnt want to lose them all. I went grocery shopping the weekend before because, honestly, nobody believes hurricanes will hit Houston, especially in September. Its been 20 years since a hurricane came near houston and did any damage, and Ike was predicted to hit northern Mexico at that point. But we all know that when hurricane magnet Stephanie is involved Francis makes me turn 18 on the turnpike and ali turn 18 trapped in her parents house under hurricane lockdown, Wilma does a u-turn on the Yucatan peninsula and run right over south florida, and Ike shifts unpredictably up from Mexico to Corpus Christie, to right the fuck over my apartment basically. So I probably should have known.

Luckily my apartment had no damage, and the power was only out for 2 days so my mom says my food should still be good. I admit I'm kinda scared to try it though. You know how I feel about potentially spoiled food. And I got to spend a week in Florida pretending to be a UCF student and hanging out with Rami, and Heather, and other peoples. The space center got some damage and because of the lost week the shuttle flights have been pushed back and alot of people had some big damage to their homes. Mostly from flooding, and alot of downtown, which got the eye, had some windows in the tall buildings blown out. Predictable hurricane stuff, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting. Thinking back I never should have thought I wanted to go through another hurricane. Its hard, and the aftermath is no fun (no power, no showers, no internet, no restaurants, food from cans... its not fun), and seeing all the damage is eerie and reminds me alot of past hurricane trauma. So yeah, I'm glad I got out, I'm glad I got a little vacation rather than staying hidden in my apartment praying for things to get better. I am very grateful that my parents let me do this. And I'm glad Rami took me in for the week. And I'm very lucky my stuff made it through too. Its not as important as my life, but it does make things easier to not have to start over, even though insurance usually makes that a profitable experience, its a stressful one.
We got back to work this week, things are kinda out of sorts, and not too much is getting done. Alot of processing, trying to reschedule, and wrap our heads around things. The space center looks different, the trees, the tarped buildings. And the streetlights around are out alot which makes the driving suck. Next week starts the official training classes which were supposed to start last week. Also tuesday (well monday night) is Rosh Hashana. And that brings me to a great big dark cloud topic over my life....

Tuesday, smack in the middle of the first week of training, is not a day to go home for the holidays. So I have to find somewhere here. At school it was easy... go home if I could, go to Hillel if I couldnt. But here... I need to find a temple. And with my recent Chabad-ing experience, Rami said I should go there. They feed you, they pray, you don't have to pay though I have a good job so I will give them something, and you don't have to be a member. The problem is its rather far, down by Rice university and the UT medical school. Good thing about that is alot of young people, and I wont be the only one without a family. But I'm not sure its where I belong. I am giving it a try this weekend for Shabbat services and as long as it isn't some kind of terrible, awful, shoot me now experience it will certainly do for the high holidays. But I am starting to wonder... what if I could find a piece of my religion in which I truly belong. And further more, if it werent for Rami, I probably would have taken this new training as a good reason to give up the Jew thing altogether so maybe he was kinda sent to me to keep me from giving up my religion. If not, he's having that effect anyways. So then... we had used the Chabad website to find the Chabad in Houston. And then I started clicking around the website seeing what I could learn. I am still put off by the separation of men and women. And by the not counting women in a minyan. And by not letting women read Torah. It still bothers me... but I thought lots of people do it and maybe I could see what they had to say, maybe it would make some kind of sense. So I got to the section for women and found a rather interesting article, that you should read (or at least skim... it is crazy long): http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/385355/jewish/The-Back-of-the-Synagogue-is-Not-the-Back-of-the-Bus.htm

So ok its an interview with two women. One is the daughter of a rabbi, wife of another, director of some big Jewish school thing... one is a former christian feminist who converted to judaism and became orthodox afterwards. And they spend alot of time defending the position of women in judaism. And they make alot of sense. Women are respected, women are considered of higher sprirtual indepence-- the men need synagogue to guide them to G-d while the women instinctively can connect to G-d through their own minds. Makes total sense. And that the separation is because you are not supposed to focus on the people around you but send your prayers up. And that also makes sense.

But before you think I am going around the bend or something there is a... HOWEVER...
It still does not dispel the idea that women belong in the home, that their energy and spirituality should be focused inward on the home and family while men need and belong in the community. So I will, before deciding that I can spend any length of time past Nehila on Yom Kippur at Chabad, need to get serious answers from the Rabbi or someone there to these two questions:
1. Why, in 2008, does the separation still serve a purpose? Men see women alot, they go to secular school with them, work with them, see them in the world. And these people may avoid the world on Saturday but they still have to exist in it on a usual basis. So why, then can they not also sit next to them in prayer and still send their prayers up? And furthermore why should we perpetuate the notion that women are distractions?

2. Do they honestly believe that by choosing a big crazy career that will often take me away from the home, for believing that my husband will do most of the cooking, and for not being the sole or at least main childcare provider... by not following the normal gender role assigned by orthodox judaism to my gender do they believe that I am not living the way G-d wants me too? Serious question. Rami (and their website) says that the Chabad movement accepts you regardless of your level of observance. And I believe that. They may not look down on me or reject me for living that life, but the question is different. Am I not following the right path? Would they be ok if their daughters lived like this? Would they be upset if their sons married a girl like me? Tolerance of my different lifestyle choices does not imply condoning it or encouraging it or allowing the same from their own children. For all I know, having a real job, being the breadwinner for my family (as I fully intend to make way more money that the future mr. stephanie), is that like being gay? Yeah we'll welcome you, but we don't think you're living the way you should. I want to get a straight answer. I want the truth. And from there I will need to decide what that means for me.

I never really believe that Judaism devalues women. And this article certainly disputes that even more. I mean the religion of the child is the religion of the mother, that counts for alot. But I hold feminism and gender equality to a different yardstick than most. It is not enough to be equal, I want to be the same. And yes, maybe that ignores some physiological and psychological differences that are inherent in the genetic makeup of the different genders but lets separate out that. What makes a man: strength, mental capacity, penchant for toughness? I am not as strong... I cannot lift what a man can lift. But there are body builder women that can lift way more than a regular guy walking down the street can. However, mentally, I believe I am just as smart as any man. I believe that I can do my job as well as any man, and better than some. Ok and toughness... I think that comes from a variety of things. There are women at war, women who do tough jobs... cop, doctor, climbing moutains. Ok what makes a women: cooking, cleaning, maternal instinct? I can't cook for shit, and alot of men can. Like Emeril- I've been to his restaurant, its fantastic. And maternal instinct... it remains to be seen, but I don't think I've exhibited alot. While some men do alot of child rearing, teaching, babysitting.
What we are talking about is personal strengths... thats why I think people should be treated not only equal but the same. Given the same options, whether male or female, and let their own unique strengths come out. You can be a woman who wants to be a mom, but you can also be a woman who wants to be president or engineer. You can be a man who wants to be king of the boardroom, but you could also have a man who wants to cook or clean or be there for his kids. And that is personal, not gender specific. The thing about the more orthodox Judaism is that men have men roles and women have women roles. Both are significant, they are equal in importance and it takes two halves to make a whole... but they are not the same. There is no room left for those who do not fall in the usual roles. No room for a woman who wants to read torah or become rabbi or go outside the home for work. And no room for a man who wants to stay home and take care of the kids, who wants to cook. I always thought that Rami never got upset about this because he had the rights... but I see that men are just as restricted to their roles as we are to ours. I wonder if we asked the rabbi if G-d really wanted him to be the one to cook and clean and pick the kids up from school, I wonder if he would find that his path is not the "right" as much as mine isnt.

The bottom line is that maybe Chabad could be somewhere to belong. This is a very important time, I need to find the place I belong. I need to choose my relgious direction for my life.. it wont be handed to me the way it was, and I need to make a choice. Obviously its not permanent, but I feel that skipping this holiday, this choice would be a permanent step away from G-d. So, we will see. It would be nice to get answers I could live with, nice to find a religious path on which I belong. And maybe I will. Here's hoping.

Bad Behavior

... and everybody's doing it.

But ok, lets start at the beginning. Friday. Left work, went to airport. Got on plane. Landed a few mins early in Orlando, ate at melting pot with Rami, watched some CSI: Miami. Fell asleep halfway through second episode, and again in the middle of third. Saturday: Got up. Met parents for IHOP. Tailgated in the occasional storming, often raining, sometimes sideways raining lovely Florida summer weather. But there were hot dogs and the redneck golf/ ladder ball game. And cheese and chips and dip and cookies. And all my favorite people together under 2 tents. Which was awesome, cuz I super miss all those people. Then... football. And UCF won. But there was more rain and the game got dull when we were up 10-0 in the third and things kinda slowed to a crappy playing stall. But Brighthouse Stadium gives me warm fuzzies, I truly love being there. Its like being a part of something amazing. After the game, BWW until midnight. Yay chicken!

Sunday: Met my parents for lunch at Tijuana Flats before they headed back home. Then Rami and I went on a great adventure. First to find his lab coat in sketchy OBT (out of business), then to Kissimmee (closed on sundays), then to play at Disney on the speedboat. We had to stop at a scary kmart and then finally a target to buy bathing suits because we were not appropriately dressed. I make a big fuss about the water and his inability to plan, but secretly love that he makes my life fun and interesting and a little off the beaten path. And it was fun, except when the scary boat honked at us, and when i started feeling a little dizzy toward the end (seasick, the humming motor finally getting to me, or something else?... idk). Then dinner with all the awesome people-- RAs, family, friends. I had a good time, the food was good, and though the rest of the night kinda overshadows it, at this point I was genuinely happy and yet sad that I had to leave it all behind for my supposedly cool big girl life.
After dinner the evening kinda pared down a bit: Me, Ali, Christine, Ben, Rami, and my sister and Stacy. Rami had to take his friend we picked up home so Christine sent me on a liquor run too. The liquor store was closed so we settled for a few 6-packs from walmart. The evening was interesting at first, but as the drinking continued, the bad behavior sprung up. And everyone was doing, with the exception of my sister and Stacy who were great except for the scary gay porn bit but it was not their decision to inflict it on the rest of us. I will start with myself, because the incident started with me anyways.
Me: Why did I bring up the sex? Why do I put Rami in a position to have his techniques criticized openly by others, and where there is no room for fault? Let me say this, my lack of, uh, the big O is my fault alone. He tries, I stop him, and it is not up to him to make it, its up to me to let go. Other things, too, that I have ever mentioned, me, mine, my problem. Rami got himself a virgin and that takes a bit of work. And it never gets easier to keep pushing the frontier. Think of all the people and oxen you've killed in Oregon trail. Anyways, I started it by letting the conversation go where it didnt belong, and by doing other things that you all may feel free to call me on because I know that I am not alone. Also, I precipitated the incident by getting pissy about something quite common-- a joking head push. But my neck was hurting from the boat and the weird dorm bed, and I was tired, and I guess in a mood... so I overreacted and yelled at him and things went downhill from there.
Rami: He overreacted to my overreaction, and things went so far away from in proportion that the line is a dot to us by this point. But his overreaction comes from other things...
Alcohol: Not actually a person, but certainly a factor. Say what you want about your state of drunkenness... there was silliness, yelling, loopiness-- all the indicators that people were feeling the happy juice. I had half a beer and I was feeling the happy juice. Everyone else present, but Rami, had had far more than that and were acting in kind. And drinking is fun, parties are fun, and the drunk people were of age and not driving so no illegal or even morally repugnant things were going on... until the shit hits the fan and you either behave stupid or you behave smart... and there was nobody behaving smart (except Ben maybe, he did alright).
Ali: I love you, you have always been my best friend and I hope you always were... but you are nothing but mean to Rami and you always have been. Yes the sex changed me, yes realizing that Eric was not the only boy in the world who could ever possibly like me made me behave and think of myself differently... yes I am not the same shy, timid person who sees fat girl in the mirror. I know that us growing up has given us new things to get used to... but this is no excuse for how you treat him. You don't have to like him, you don't have to talk to him when I'm not around, be his friend, ask him out for coffee... but you should behave civilly toward him because he makes me happy and he loves me and he is good to me, despite how this night panned out. You were mean... you were short with him, snapping at him. I told him months ago when I saw the tension that I loved you both and I asked him to be nice to you. And he has. But you do not return the favor. He sat there through tailgating, the game, lunch, dinner, and at the house just taking whatever you dished out. He did it for me because I was there for 3 days and I wanted to see everyone I loved, so he took it all in and tried to keep the peace. Is it surprising he eventually couldn't take it anymore?
Christine: You didn't really do anything awful, you got frisky as you got drunker (yeah, you left a hickey on my shoulder... and you kissed me square on the lips) which I think got a little hard for him to handle, and then when the yelling started you got right into it. I know you were trying to protect me, I know you always will and I love you for it. In retrospect, I don't think it was the best way, but I understand why you did it and I'm not mad at you for it. As I've said, everyone's behavior was a little bit bad.
Ben: Alot of the same, certainly he tried to get a handle on the situation the best way he could. Monday morning quarterbacking, you always see better moves, better methods, but in the middle of it all, the choices made are the best available.

So the story: After I snapped at Rami, he super snapped at me. Stormed out, threatened to leave me there. Christine protected me, as she thought (due to my overreaction) that I had been hit/abused/mistreated, only serving to escalate the fight to a white trash trailer park brawl which spilled into the sidewalk. There was threatening, yelling, pleading.. more yelling. And to diffuse the situation, I dissolved into tears (hehe, nice going) and gave my sister a hug while she went on beliving that I really was abused. RAMI WILL NEVER HURT ME. He is good to me, always. Takes care of me, loves me, goes out of his way to make me happy. He is not the only one in our relationship with a temper and a short fuse, and he is not the only one in that house with a similarly short temper, and he is not the only one in the world to ever get angry. He may yell, but he has never and I truly believe will never, lay a hand on me in anger. Hes a good guy, he really is. Last night was just bad behavior, all around. And everyone deserves another chance, so I hope we can all give each other the chances.

In the aftermath, in the car I begged him to take me back and let me say goodbye to everyone but he said I needed wait til everyone sobered up. Hes seen alot of bad shit, people behaving badly, alcohol making people bad and/or dead and I think he slipped into cop mode and needed to remove me from what he thought was a threatening situation. That they thought he was the threatening situation was a problem but I promise you, I was never in danger... in either place. He offered repeatedly to wait on the street outside their house development or return a few hours later once everyone had sobered up, but I was tired and upset and wanted to wait the night to let everyone get some rest and get some perspective. I think he was misguided but not malevolent. We talked more about what was said... hes sorry for getting into it with Christine, I know. And sorry for scaring my sister. And sorry to me for threatening to leave... he knows that pushes my buttons, knows that I don't ever want to be walked out on. But he did apologize for that. Looking at it now, I see that I did start it. And that everyone acted badly.
So I will start the apologies: I'm sorry for overreacting. I'm sorry for letting you all believe I was in danger. And I'm sorry for just giving in and going. I was tired, I was edgy, and I just wanted it all to end. So I made a choice. Thinking now, there were better options but I, like most of you, was embroiled in the situation and did the best I could with a split second decision.

I love you all, and I hope you don't hate me for pointing out what I see about the night. I hope we can all move past this and that you will all still love me when the dust settles. Because I love all of you. Call me after 6 eastern tomorrow... and maybe, if you feel like apologizing or commenting (or even telling me I am way off base and should give up)... come here, post something. Ok, love you guys. Now, finally, to bed. Its almost my birthday!

Where is home..

So as you probably know by now, I went back to Orlando last weekend. It was mostly to see Rami, as my time with friends is this coming weekend, but I did manage to surprise my sister and Christine pretty good by having Rami invite them to dinner and then showing up. Hehe, so that was fun. And seeing Rami was great... But seeing the campus, and Orlando, was really hard. I spent alot of time in that airport, in that tower, in that dorm room, in all those places that used to be home. And now, home is in Houston and it looks really weird from the air, stuff I cant recognize.
I worked super long days in order to the the 9/80 which is 80 hours in 2 weeks but instead of doing 8 hrs for 10 days, you work the same number of hours in only 9 days, adding the extra 8 hours to the first 8 days. So I did that, which was alot of long days, in order to get out at 3:00 on thursday and get Friday off. My flight was late cuz of the weather in Houston, though of course the weather in Orlando wasnt any better, thanks to Tropical Storm Fay. Then we got Pita Pit (yay! super yay! love a pita pit gyro!).
The next day I helped him get ready for school... buying books and groceries. Then we went to services and dinner at the Chabad rabbi's house. It was certainly an interesting experience. In case you aren't familiar with the finer points of Chabad judaism... the women and men sit separate at prayer, the rabbi doesn't touch women other than his wife (like to shake their hand or anything), and theres hand washing and wine drinking and... Well you know me so you know how I take the whole women sitting separately thing. Its an equality thing, because separate but equal is not really equal, and a specific to my female engineer kind of feminism thing, because equal doesn't mean the-same-as and I don't want to be equal but different, I want to be the same. Its a holdover from the days when women weren't really educated in reading and writing and all the things necessary to pray, and so our non-praying presence was a distraction. And in general I do not like the hold overs from the days before women were equal because that, to me, is the same as holding over the idea that women are not equal. In specific its not equal because the rabbi (a male) stands over with the males and we in the women side cant see him. Plus the girls really arent given the same incentive to shut up and pay attention so they don't. It makes immersion in the service difficult, feels isolating. And I'm not sure that I will ever be able to mesh super girl power engineer with that separate and unequal dogma. But I thought about it, and I love him and I have decided that I can just button up and deal with it, if never learn to like it.
We saw the house bunny (cute but dumb.. as expected) and rented Untraceable (really good but not for those who cant do weird torture scenes cuz its bizzare and gross), and saw Deathrace which was actually really good, for what it was. Joan Allen, man, she is a scary lady. And I got pita pit and longhorn (mmm desert pear margarita) and steak and shake. And I got to go to publix. Which is just awesome, and Kroger can never compare. And we made funfetti.

Its weird because Orlando felt so much like home, all the familiar places, people, things. But then I got back, got into my car, and drove back to my apartment and this kinda felt familiar too. Instead of making me feel better though, it made me feel worse. Where is home? What is home? Do I really have a home? I don't know. Anyways, going back there tomorrow. Then I don't really know what, because operator class starts on the 15th and then we supposedly have about 2 months of this heavy scheduling with no days off expected and the Jewish holidays are using up any potential bargaining I have. I guess if nothing else Rami and I will have to see each other for a regular lengthed weekend, without the extra day. Would suck but better than not seeing each other at all. I wonder when time starts moving faster, when it stops seeming like a week lasts forever. I just wanna get into it and wake up and have it be 3 years from now, have this stuff mostly behind me.

One cool thing is going on... I'm learning russian. And its really hard. More on that later. Love you all.

Summer almost over..

And it shocks me how all of a sudden that doesnt mean anything to me. Not really anyways. I've had interesting summers... SSTP in 03, that amazing summer hanging out with Ed and Bon until all hours of the night at Starlight Diner, SSTP counseloring, the cruise in Russia... and that brings us to this year. It sure has been interesting... graduation, the cruise, one last trip to Orlando, and then moving to Texas to start work. At which point the date stopped carrying meaning. Because with the exception of the week and a half we get off for Christmas (they tried to call it "winter holiday" break as if anyone believes its not because of christmas. As an aside, I am actually more offended when people pretend theyre trying to be inclusive than if they would just admit its for a christian holiday. Hannukah is both barely a holiday worth mentioning and not one that needs days off of school for, and over well before this Christmas vacation ever starts. If you want to be inclusive, give me holidays for the high holidays... or passover. Or stop pretending.)... anyways, aside from that break, and the weather, it might as well be any day of the year. As for the weather... the days are as hot but the rains have come back and I've noticed the evenings are getting cooler. In a couple months, it will be winter. And I know my new coworkers from Minnesota and Illinois will think I'm crazy when I start wearing sweatshirts and acting like hell is freezing over when the temp drops below 60, but I can't help that -40 degree winters are not in my experience. And though we do go to New Hampshire, thats a week and its usually pretty mild (in the teens) and I wear way more clothes in that situation too.

I'm a little bummed that until I have children, summer is just another 3 months of the year. I will miss having all the adventures I used to, but I guess its time to grow up. I am starting to get excited for the fall semester anyways. Probably more than ever before since I'm not taking classes so it doesnt mean homework and earlier mornings (although waking up at 6:3o is my life now and thats no picnic). What it does mean for me is football and trips back to florida. I am going back in less than 2 weeks to see, in no particular order: UCF football opener, Rami, parents and sister, friends, Pita Pit, and Steak and Shake. I will say that I miss those two restaurants, you just can't get a good gyro at 4am or a milkshake with hot fudge in it without them. What kind of horrible city doesnt have a Steak and Shake especially. So yeah, I'm excited for that. And I'm planning to go back for Homecoming too, and Thanksgiving which is a 4 day weekend, and then finally making it through those 3 months, Rami is coming in December for a whole week, then skiiing, then home, then to Orlando for New Years.

I can't wait for the next time I see Rami. Its as hard as ever, and I'm as lonely as ever, and hes with his family for late nights, unplanned activities... I don't get the chance to hear about his day because by the time he isnt doing something its bedtime. Then I gotta get up and he gets dragged off and its just hard... I feel like for the past week I don't really know whats gone on in his life. Bits and pieces maybe... but its isolating, and I'm already isolated enough way the heck out here without seeing all the people I used to see every day. I break down from time to time, most recently on Friday night. I'm just lonely and afraid of being forgotten. By him, by everyone. Heck even my mother momentarily forgot I didn't live in Florida anymore. I love my job and its a cool opportunity and its amazing but at the same time I keep thinking, what if I could have gotten a job at Kennedy? Or with Lockheed? Or Harris? I would be there. My friends would be closer. And the love of my life wouldn't be 1000 miles away. He would be at most a 90 minute drive. I guess its silly but I can't help thinking about it. And if we don't make it, I will forever wonder how different it could have been if I could have stayed. If I could have been a year younger or just a standard 5 year engineer and could have had a year left, another year to be with him. As in really with him.

Other stuff going on... Started playing softball with this group I met through work. It was fun but my body really hurt. Throwing shoulder obviously, but also my abs and my legs. The last was unexpected since I have been running for a while now. It was fun though, I have missed softball and this league isnt too competitive, its more for the fun so I enjoyed it.
Yesterday I played paintball for the first time. Went with people from work as kinda a going away event for an intern that goes to Univ. of Alaska in a frozen tundra thats dark all winter. It was kinda cool. It rained the whole time so it was really muddy and I was filthy. I'm also not great, but it was alot of fun. With practice and without the rain and maybe with a better face mask I think it would be even more fun and I would certainly try it again. It wasn't cheap, but also wasnt terribly expensive. $30 for the day, and we spent 5 hours there so it was alot of entertainment... plus possibly ruined clothes. After though, and I'm not sure why or what I did, my neck has been killing me. I think its muscle rather than needing to crack it and it hurts alot to turn my head to the right or lean forward. I was hoping overnight it would get better but it feels about the same.
And today, since it was sales tax free weekend, I did a little shopping. Bought some new bras and Express had their super expensive but really cute work pants on sale so I bought more. That brings me up to 5 pants I can wear to work, plus jeans on casual fridays, so I can throw a few more into the rotation. Disappointingly I'm still a size 10 there, and a 36 band size which is a little bigger than last summer when I last bought bras but I guess I like comfortable clothes so I wouldnt try to squeeze into smaller. And I think if I can reign my eating habits in a little better and keep up with the running, I can get a bit more in shape and fit back into my teeny jeans (ok theyre a size 8, not exactly teeny but there is something to be said for double digits. But theyre snug and make my butt look good, plus theyre dark enough to wear to work during the week so if I can fit them comfortably (I can already squeeze into them, but to sit for 9 hours I need them to really fit) I can wear them and have even more pants in my small work clothing rotation.

And I was looking for a place to get a bikini wax... couldnt really find one so I have a plan B and a plan C to put into work before I go to Orlando, but what exactly that is, is gonna be a surprise. I've also been looking for a place to get a haircut. I'm scared though, cuz I've never gotten my hair cut at like a random super cuts kinda place, and the same person has cut my hair since I'm like 8, she did hair for all of our bar/bat mitzvahs and if I somehow manage to get married in South Florida, I hope I can get her to do that too cuz shes awesome. And I never really went in with a plan, just said it needs to be shorter and a general length in mind and let her go at it. With a generic place, that could turn out really bad. But I guess how much do I care about my hear anyways? Not too much, so as long as they don't shave my head and expose the bump, I should be ok. Hehe. Anyways, I guess thats all I have to write. Gonna go rustle up some dinner before heading to bed.

Anyways, love you guys. Hope all is well with you. As you can see, I'm hanging in.

Sorry its been so long...

Its been a long time since I've written.
Things at work have kinda settled down. For now its a waiting game for the actual training to start in Sept, until then we are basically doing get ahead studying and its interesting reading but you can only read technical manuals for so many hours a day. I try to break up the day by alternating some computer video classes that are sometimes useful and sometimes not so much, taking classes that I may actually end up taking again during the training because it is basically designed to start in the second week of work so no time for pre-reading. Anyways, I still like it, and if I ever start to get a little bogged down in the manuals I take a walk over to mission control and remind myself that I have the coolest job ever. :-)
In other goings on, we had a tropical storm this week. Cancelled work for a day and a half but it was barely a rainshower. Half the day was kinda cloudy, without too much rain. I was worried though, a little, cuz I have seen bad storms and I wasnt sure how bad this one would be. I just hope my coworkers who havent been through real storms dont think all hurricanes are like Tropical Storm Edouard.
And I have been hanging with some people from work. We have a good group... karaoke on thursdays, moving to fridays next week at this excellently Texas dive bar right near work. And then theres this other group that I'm suppposed to be playing softball with. We were supposed to have a game this Tuesday, then the weather got in the way. So we will see about this week. And going to see sisterhood of the traveling pants with a girl from work tomorrow night.

Today I finished week 2 of couch to 5k, starting on week 3 either tomorrow or sunday morning. I got kinda waylayed by Rami's visit and other physical activities but I wouldn't trade that for all the runs in the world. I'm on track now, and I'm sticking with it.

So theres that, and then theres Rami. Things have been rough. I dunno, I mean I'm really lonely. I barely know anyone, I come home every day to this empty apartment and eat something boring for dinner on my couch and go to sleep all alone in a big empty bed. I talk to some people on the phone, or online, but no matter who I talk to, including him, when the conversation is over I am alone again. But when I talk to him, even more than anyone else, I feel less lonely. I feel almost like he's here, like we're together again. And I really do want us to be together. I love him and I like talking to him and I like being around him. He makes me feel sexy and happy and smart and fun and special. The last time he was here was really nice. The first night we stayed up for hours... talking, having sex, just being together. Being apart has taught us to have better conversations. He's smart too, and funny, and sweet and I truly enjoy talking to him. I just hope we can survive this. In 3 weeks I go to Orlando for labor day weekend, for football, and my parents, but mostly for him. I love him. I miss him. And every time we are apart, every time he gets on that plane or (now) that I get on the plane leaving orlando on september 1st... it just seems a little less likely things are going to be ok.
He always seems really sure, that he loves me, that we'll make it. I wonder, alot, if its an act. If he really doubts as much as I do, but anytime I ask him, he always says we'll be ok. He always sounds like he believes it. Maybe I just hear what I want to hear. I want to be that sure....
I am sure of this: I love him. I really can see us being together forever. I am extremely attracted to him, physically of course, but also to his personality. And I am trying to keep it together, to keep us together.
But I am also worried... Its alot of money, its alot of time. And if we don't make it, it will be worse because I will not only miss him and be heartbroken but will have thrown away alot in pursuit. And every day that goes by, I wonder if he will decide its not worth it, that 4 years and 1000 miles are just too much. I wouldnt blame him, I think it would ruin a college experience to be thinking about your girlfriend in Texas. But I just have to hope in the end I'm worth it to him.

Anyways, as you can see I'm a bit of a wreck, but its nothing you wouldn't expect of me. I like to think, overthink really, and I always worry, and I have never been in love like this, never had this much to lose before. I mean this isn't just a guy, this is a whole imagined future. Marriage, house, kids, growing old together. I can see it all with him, I want it all with him. And if we don't make it, its like I've lost that entire future, lost my chance at happiness, at completeness.

Weekly Wrapup: visitors, work week, and the end of potatoism

So my parents came to visit last weekend, and brought Heather and Josh. It was fun, having people here. And nice having a 4 day week. We saw Hancock which is better than expected and highly recommended. I was kinda bored of all the superhero crap going on but this one is actually pretty interesting. And saw some pretty great fireworks. Its nice that the area here has alot of middle of nowhere right next to somewhere, you turn off the main road and you're between swamp and farmland. So there wasnt light pollution which is nice. Also got to eat out at a bunch of different restaurants. And we drove down to the huuuge Galleria mall which was like Millenia only bigger. Theres an ice skating rink IN the mall for goodness sakes.

The week was kinda normal... went to some meetings, read alot of training manual stuff, watched some training videos. Every week the thermal group goes out to eat. Last night we went to a tapas restaurant across the street from my apartment. I'm starting to feel more comfortable, hanging out with coworkers and stuff. Theres a couple of us new people, I'm the only power one, theyre all life support so I wont see them much once the training classes start, but they're nice and I guess not working every day with them would make it more fun to hang out outside work. Tonight Nicole and I are going to see Made of Honor in the dollar theater. I have already seen it and its not exactly an amazing movie, but its not like I have anything better to do and it is the dollar theater. So it should be fun. I'm happy to actually have somewhere to go. I hope she doesn't somehow come across this and think I'm crazy and desperate... but I kinda am desperate to find friends. Its lonely living here not knowing everyone. And I think all of us from out of state are in the same kind of situation.
The one cool thing this week at work was the EVA on Thursday. And it was cool cuz we went to mission control for a bit and watched the streaming video from the ISS. I geeked out a little about how cool it is that at my job I can just go hang out and watch mission control. So, yeah, I was happy and felt cool.

Other important thing... I started running again. Its been over 6 months since I ran. I actually remember the day I last ran, I was still at UCF working in the dorm after the end of the semester, cuz the fall semester ended on a monday and then I had the following weekend duty. And I remember texting a couple people to tell them I was leaving my phone home. And I ran for 25 minutes straight that day which was the longest sustained run I've ever done. So, yeah then I went home and things started to pick up with Rami and then it became my last semester and there was all kinds of stuff to do-- school, work, job searching, and hanging out with the people that I figured I would have to leave when I graduated. Which is indeed what happened since I live in Texas now, and alot of other friends I graduated with are spread out around the country. And then packing, unpacking, settling in. And it was just time to make excuses. So wednesday I went out for the first time in a really long time and I sucked, and I didn't get very far and it felt just like the first time almost 2 years ago when I decided it was time to be a runner. And oh, the next day, I could barely walk. OUCH! So today I woke up at 9, couldnt sleep anymore, and grabbed some breakfast then went for a run. I'm going back to couch to 5k. So anyone else who's interested in some accountability that wants to join me?

My ultimate plan is to be back in those size 8 express jeans because they're nice enough to wear to work but now they're too snug. And because after Rami comes next weekend, the next time I have plans to see anyone is Labor Day weekend, when I'm coming to Orlando and then I'll be seeing EVERYONE (my parents, all my friends who still go to UCF, and Rami) so I want to be in better shape by then. Its enough time to get through the first 8 weeks (of 9) of the program. Anyways, yeah, thats the plan. And thats the scoop. Gonna go find some food. Love you guys! :-)

3 Weeks in...

So I have officially survived 3 weeks in my job. And there was nowhere near the trauma involved in my first week of RA training where I overslept, tore my pants, and ruined one of my favorite shirts. For the first week there was alot of administrative stuff... a generic company training about time cards and IT security and stuff on the first day, and the day to go fill out the stuff for our security clearance check. Then week 2 was something called training academy, for new people in the Mission Operations Directorate (how cool is it that I'm part of a "directorate"? sounds so official!) So the good thing about that is that I met some other new people and we went on some tours and listened to some overview stuff. And week three was basically just reading. Our official training, the stuff that makes us ready to be flight controllers, isnt until September so until then I am basically sitting at my desk reading the manuals for the systems I'm gonna be working with. Its not particularly exciting but I am learning stuff. The dizzying tech drawings are getting a little clear which is kinda exciting.
And I'm sitting on MY couch. Like really mine. Its comfy and big and has perfect height armrests to serve as pillows when lying down. And I have already damaged my bed with some ill placed handcuffs. Well worth it. Now that I've gotten all my stuff the place is kinda a mess. I set up my TV and all my peripherals and the built in wall unit for TV stuff actually works really well with my setup. Its getting there. Slowly but getting there. I like my apartment, the space seems about right thought I could go for a few more kitchen cabinets. I want to not move out of this place until Rami graduates and moves out here, though we'll see what hurricane season brings because I am in the second evacuation zone of 4 and they did get evacuated for Rita in 05 (we just got the hurricane safety briefing at work, the other two people who started on the same day as me were a little freaked out cuz they're from the midwest and theres no hurricanes there). Its way too much of a hassle to evacuate, so if I get evacuated this year, I'll have to look for a place farther inland. But otherwise, it would be so much easier to stay and settle in. In the past 4 years I've lived in 3 different places and moving that much is no fun. It would be nice to stick to a place and get comfortable.
As for life... well I miss Rami terribly. And I miss home and my friends, I'm comfortable here and its starting to look like home but it all feels kinda temporary. Until I really make friends, I'll always feel a little lost and out of place. And my life really is holding, waiting for Rami. If we are going to be together, and I hope and think that we will, then I can't move forward, I can't make plans, I can't get married and have kids and make my whole life... I can't do any of that until he graduates. In 4 years I'll be old. Almost 26, thats like true blue adult. And faced with being a real adult, having a job, owning furniture, paying my electricity bill and my cable bill and my car insurance... thank god I dont have to worry too much about what I can afford. I mean I'm not gonna go crazy and spend everything, but I can't imagine how much energy it consumes calculating every month, every purchase, and counting whether you can make ends meet. At least I know I can afford the important stuff like power... and internet, hehe. I dont know it just feels like I would like my life to start sooner. Like I want to dive right in and wake up next to him every day and go off and be grown up and... I dunno. I don't blame him for being young, its certainly nobody's fault (except UCF's fucked up chem department) that he has to stay there and I have to be here. I don't know... it just sucks to have to wait so long.
And theres so many ways it could go wrong, so many ways we could fall apart along the way. What if I wait all this time for a failure? What if, in the end, its just not right?
Anyways, enough of this. Gotta finish some laundry cuz my family is coming tomorrow and I need the place to be ready for company.

Not in Florida anymore...

So can I begin my list of Texas nitpicks here?
>Its hot. Thats the first. And you're thinking well Florida is hot too. Oh its not the same. Its disgusting and humid and rainy and hot.
>And Texas isn't the first T in the drop down states. That bothers me too. And everytime I've written my zip code it says 3377573
>The people are slow... they drive slow, they talk slow, yesterday at target i think grey hairs popped out for how long it took her to ring up my crap. Yikes. In Florida things are fast, and I like it.
>I let a guy in front of me the other day. Like I actually let him in-- I stopped, I waved, I gave him plenty of room, and when he was kinda slow I did not curse him out.. What the hell happened to me? Clearly I am being corrupted.
And...
>There aren't enough turn lanes-- people turn right from the right driving lane in my way. And there aren't enough lines on the roads or directional signs.
>Plus its central time. Which is weird. Cuz my shows are on wrong and everyone I know is an hour ahead and I feel a little lost and unhinged knowing that its not the time it should be.
>And then theres the matter of how spread out things are. And how you can be in civilization and then go a block away and there's nothing. Just miles of unimproved land. They call them improvements for a reason, for god sakes be a freaking city not some weird rural urban sprawl.

So I'm finding it difficult to adjust. Here are my travels so far:
Wednesday we arrived and I rented a car from Thrifty. Don't rent from them. Theyre grumpy and mean and over paperworked and they charge as much as anyone else. The car was fine and all but I think alot of other places are way better with the way they treat you. She made me listen to a huge spiel about damage insurance even though I didn't want it and told her so. She's like well let me just tell you... and I don't know if thats because I was under age or didnt look like I knew what I needed or looked like I could be talked into something that is clearly a waste of money. But whatever, she treated me crappy.
Then I went to Rooms to Go and bought all my furniture. I'm lucky that they gave me a great limit on my credit card so I could buy my couch, coffee table, and bedroom set to pay by 2009 without interest. That will be delivered next Wednesday so until then I'm in the hotel with my mom.
Thursday I got up, did some shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond (found my bedding stuff and a shower curtain and stuff).... you know how they send you like a billion coupons. I came armed with 38 coupons collected from my grandparents and my house. Saved $100. Thats like getting my sheets for free. Hehe. Then I checked into my apartment. The rug is a little spotty but it smells like fresh paint and the rest of it seems nice. I think it'll be great living there, really feel like I made a good choice in apartments. Then more shopping-- and Target and Home Depot for cleaners and other stuff I'll need. And I got a little vacuum so I can clean. (Hehe. Hehehehe. As if I will clean. No... I really wanna be responsible and clean and stuff.) And we found another good restaurant and the cool boardwalk. They have like actual boardwalk-y things, like a ferris wheel and a wooden roller coaster.

Today I did more shopping (Sams, Wal Mart) and bought a second TV for the cable guy to check the install if he wants and to keep in my bedroom. My stuff wont get here til at least the end of next week which sucks because I will have little time to organize and I miss my Tivo terribly. Then I almost finished my defensive driver course, just in time to get a Texas license. Seems like a waste of effort. What happens if you get your license suspended for failing to comply with the court order after you already surrendered it in another state to get a local license? Heh, I kid. I'm obviously gonna do it. Except for speeding, I really do obey the law.

Now tonight is Battlestar and then we get up early tomorrow for the cable guy to install my new cable and internet. Then off to shop in downtown and see an Astros game. They have a domed stadium... aka inside and air conditioned. I could get used to that. :-)

Updates

So this is whats going on. I called and pushed my start date back to the 16th. This way my car will get there right when I get there and my stuff will get there a few days later, and I'll still have a few days to unpack and settle before starting. Otherwise I would have had to cut my impending Orlando trip short to come home and meet the movers OR take a day off my first day of work to meet the movers on the other end. This will be better. And I am now calmer.

And I got my graduation present from my parents: a new laptop. It is a HP Pavillion and its really pretty. The screen is awesome and its got a well-reviewed AMD dual core processor and alot of ram and a big hard drive and it was on sale. And it doesn't get hot and scorch my lap like my old one. I'm typing on it right now. Also... built in webcam so if you miss me I can now chat in person. Its cool, I used it this afternoon. And I will be offering virtual tours of my apartment as soon as I get moved in. But now I'm faced with the daunting task of actually setting up this computer. Re-storing all my passwords, transferring my pics and music, and reinstalling all my programs. Priority one was firefox and aim, so thats done but my firefox settings are all wonky. Anyways I'm heading up to Orlando and then I will hopefully have some time to do everything there.

Also, now I'm stuck with Vista because it costs $300 to buy the XP operating system and they were gonna charge $160 to install it. I didn't want to try installing an operating system by myself but $460 seems a little ridiculous for a soon to be unsupported OS just because I'm too lazy and stubborn to learn Vista. So... yucky though it is, I have it. Luckily I still have my old Office disk from my last computer so I don't need to upgrade to 07. New Excel and I will never get along and they will have to forcibly refuse to run 03 on my computer before I give it up. The others are fairly standard but not Excel. Sucks!

And finally, the best news. I'm coming up to Orlando which is exciting but also sad because it'll be my last time there until Homecoming and it'll never be the same again. Its weird having to go to Orlando and not stay in my own bed... I'm crashing with people and plenty have offered to put me up but Orlando really used to feel like home. Especially just this last year, with my job keeping me from coming back to my parents' house so much, and all my coworkers and my friends and my boyfriend all feeling like family. I really felt at home in Orlando. And then I left and now I'm just a visitor. But its good. I'm glad to get to visit. And I hope by the time I spend 4 years in Houston it'll start to feel like home too.

Mental Picture

I just want to save last night like a mental picture so I can remember, when I'm all alone in Houston, that things were better. Rami and I went to the baseball game with my parents. We got subs from La Spada which make these ridiculous sandwiches with a ton of meat and a lot of really good veggies then they cover it with more meat so it makes like a pocket of fun inside your food. And the ingredients are all really good... especially the italian meats. Ok anyways, so the food was good and the Marlins won and I just had alot of fun. And it makes me sad that these are 3 people that I'm gonna miss alot. I really enjoyed being my parents' kid, they made it fun (usually) and theyre cool people. And now I have to be a grown up, I know they're not just getting rid of me but it'll never be the same. And I don't know if it will ever be the same for me and Rami either. This could have been the last really great night we'll ever have. I don't want it to be. But I do want to remember it. Just in case...

In other news... PACKING starts tomorrow. I emptied out my car so I have to go through the boxes and see what needs to go to houston and what doesn't, go through my room and pack more stuff, and repack my plates in a bigger box that will actually close around them (theyre too tall for my current boxes). So... yeah should be exciting. By which I mean excruciating. But the sooner I finish, the sooner I can go to Orlando and say goodbye to everyone one last time.

Ok its dinner time. Gotta go while my mom is still willing to feed me.

Stress!

As in, the only thing I got from my recent apartment hunt. Aside from, of course, an apartment. My mom (thank god she came with me because I would have fucked this up royally if left to my own devices) and I flew into Houston. We first went for a drive around the mall and saw a cute little apartment complex right behind it. Then we went to the hotel and googled it.... and some other things. This was how we found the other apartment complex we saw that day. The first was a little further down the road and was stuffy and expensive ($830 a month). Contrast that with the second place which had a sand volleyball court and a pool table and a little theater in the clubhouse and was about $30 cheaper. The next day we saw a million places. Some were old, some were really new (like still under construction). Some were really expensive (the highest one clocking in at $955... but they had an infinity pool overlooking the lake! hehe like I am moving to Texas for the swimming pools). By the time the day was over I couldn't remember one's crown molding from another vaulted ceiling or one linen closet from an in unit washer and dryer.
At the end it all we had narrowed it down to two... the cute one from the first day and one from the second day. So we decided we'd go back to both of them. Google maps put one at 6 miles 12 minutes from work and the other at 4 miles 11 minutes. Why two more miles and only one more minute? Traffic. Especially around the mall. While the other is 2 miles on Farm Road 270 which has, as you can imagine, nothing on it. No stop lights, no shopping centers... just a nice view of some swampy lake as you drive. That apartment is a little farther from civilization, though there is a grocery store right down the street (Farm Road 2094) in one direction and a big shopping center in the other: Super Target, Super Wal-Mart, Chili's, Chik-Fil-A, Payless Shoes, and some ubiquitous chain called Darque Tan (I will never understand why people in either Florida or Texas go to tanning beds... I walked to class and felt like I was in a tanning bed, save the paid sun for the people in New Hampshire and Utah). And the Kemah boardwalk which has a ferris wheel and a wooden roller coaster and is like this cute little seaside town with a bunch of seafood restaurants that look only a little sketchy. I guess you can figure by now that this is the one I chose.
And thats where the stress comes in: There were two things the other had going for it. First, it seemed geared a little younger and they had alot of activities already in place, like a card night every month and movies in the clubhouse every week. Second, it was in a really busy place-- this was a pro and a con, as you can see by my discussion on traffic. But it was near the mall and a bunch of restaurants and I wonder if I chose the other subconsciously to avoid being social and being able to go out. Am I putting myself in exile in South Shore when I could have lived nearly on top of a mall surrounded by 20-somethings? Maybe. After all I chose UCF over UF because I wanted to live somewhere with real things going on instead of Hicktown, Florida. This is kinda the opposite decision, to skip traffic and mall rats in favor of the quieter, prettier, just like Amityville-from-Jaws kinda town. So I am stressed over the decisions I made, but I guess its too late now. You want to know what was the biggest reason I chose the one over the other? Furniture placement. There was a place for my TV that left a big wall for my couch AND allowed me to watch TV from the kitchen. I guess I did have to decide whats most important to me. I have one TV and one Tivo and if I can't always watch them, what good are they.

After deciding on an apartment, my mom and I went to Rooms To Go. I found a bed I really like. http://www.roomstogo.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=showRoom&roo_id=1041 And a couch I think will be awesome. It is a sleeper couch of course, so you all can come visit. Its got low armrests so I can lie across is like a bed, and its comfy and microsuedey kind of material and... yeah I'm excited for my real furniture. http://www.roomstogo.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=showItem&ipac_id=14922 Also my parents have a cool table where the top rises up to be like real table level and pivots closer to the couch, perfect for eating on the couch. Since I have always eaten in front of the TV, I don't expect having a real job to change anything. But I dont't know if I can afford one. Or, even if I can, if I want to spend that kind of money right now. But we'll see. Also I went to Ikea yesterday and found a kitchen table with 4 chairs for $99. That place is funny. The Ikea in Houston is really far so I think I might buy the table here and have the movers move it to Houston with the rest of my stuff.

Then on Thursday since all the work was done my mom and I went to the space center. We went on the tram tour and saw the historic mission control and the Astronaut Training Facility. I went to both places... but I got to go in. On the regular people tour they take you to like viewing areas, separated by glass. Haha. So I felt special, showing my mom the places I saw and telling her things I knew that the people giving the tour didn't say. And one guy said "How do you know this?" "I'm gonna be working here," I said. "How much schooling do you need to work for NASA?" "Just a regular 4 year degree... in aerospace engineering." Yeah, I'm smart. So that was fun. Am I full of myself? Maybe just a little. But with the cool job I got I think I have a right to think I'm awesome. What do you think?

So you're thinking, save somethin for the next entry. Alright. That's all folks! ;-)

Can I go back to college now?

Ok so I graduated. By which I mean I squeaked by with a D- in propulsions (that guy is crazy!) and walked across a stage in a black smock that made me look quite dumpy. Heh. But anyways, I have decided that since I'm an "adult" maybe its time to leave Xanga behind and go for something more sophisticated. Something where the font is prettier and and the url is less jumbled and the archives are not full of my depressed teenaged ramblings about asshole ex boyfriends and stupid things I've done. Besides, it leaves more room for stories of current stupid things I'm doing.

So I graduated. And I have pretty much my dream job starting in a month. But theres plenty of crazy things to do first, and plenty of crap to complain about. So you'll hear it all... the friends I left behind, the boyfriend I miss, the packing, the unpacking, the search for the perfect pullout couch and my first big girl bed. Oh, and theres the tiny matter of finding an apartment. Eek. Its scary but I hope exciting enough.

Comment excessively please, as always. See you in the next post!