Sorry its been so long...

Its been a long time since I've written.
Things at work have kinda settled down. For now its a waiting game for the actual training to start in Sept, until then we are basically doing get ahead studying and its interesting reading but you can only read technical manuals for so many hours a day. I try to break up the day by alternating some computer video classes that are sometimes useful and sometimes not so much, taking classes that I may actually end up taking again during the training because it is basically designed to start in the second week of work so no time for pre-reading. Anyways, I still like it, and if I ever start to get a little bogged down in the manuals I take a walk over to mission control and remind myself that I have the coolest job ever. :-)
In other goings on, we had a tropical storm this week. Cancelled work for a day and a half but it was barely a rainshower. Half the day was kinda cloudy, without too much rain. I was worried though, a little, cuz I have seen bad storms and I wasnt sure how bad this one would be. I just hope my coworkers who havent been through real storms dont think all hurricanes are like Tropical Storm Edouard.
And I have been hanging with some people from work. We have a good group... karaoke on thursdays, moving to fridays next week at this excellently Texas dive bar right near work. And then theres this other group that I'm suppposed to be playing softball with. We were supposed to have a game this Tuesday, then the weather got in the way. So we will see about this week. And going to see sisterhood of the traveling pants with a girl from work tomorrow night.

Today I finished week 2 of couch to 5k, starting on week 3 either tomorrow or sunday morning. I got kinda waylayed by Rami's visit and other physical activities but I wouldn't trade that for all the runs in the world. I'm on track now, and I'm sticking with it.

So theres that, and then theres Rami. Things have been rough. I dunno, I mean I'm really lonely. I barely know anyone, I come home every day to this empty apartment and eat something boring for dinner on my couch and go to sleep all alone in a big empty bed. I talk to some people on the phone, or online, but no matter who I talk to, including him, when the conversation is over I am alone again. But when I talk to him, even more than anyone else, I feel less lonely. I feel almost like he's here, like we're together again. And I really do want us to be together. I love him and I like talking to him and I like being around him. He makes me feel sexy and happy and smart and fun and special. The last time he was here was really nice. The first night we stayed up for hours... talking, having sex, just being together. Being apart has taught us to have better conversations. He's smart too, and funny, and sweet and I truly enjoy talking to him. I just hope we can survive this. In 3 weeks I go to Orlando for labor day weekend, for football, and my parents, but mostly for him. I love him. I miss him. And every time we are apart, every time he gets on that plane or (now) that I get on the plane leaving orlando on september 1st... it just seems a little less likely things are going to be ok.
He always seems really sure, that he loves me, that we'll make it. I wonder, alot, if its an act. If he really doubts as much as I do, but anytime I ask him, he always says we'll be ok. He always sounds like he believes it. Maybe I just hear what I want to hear. I want to be that sure....
I am sure of this: I love him. I really can see us being together forever. I am extremely attracted to him, physically of course, but also to his personality. And I am trying to keep it together, to keep us together.
But I am also worried... Its alot of money, its alot of time. And if we don't make it, it will be worse because I will not only miss him and be heartbroken but will have thrown away alot in pursuit. And every day that goes by, I wonder if he will decide its not worth it, that 4 years and 1000 miles are just too much. I wouldnt blame him, I think it would ruin a college experience to be thinking about your girlfriend in Texas. But I just have to hope in the end I'm worth it to him.

Anyways, as you can see I'm a bit of a wreck, but its nothing you wouldn't expect of me. I like to think, overthink really, and I always worry, and I have never been in love like this, never had this much to lose before. I mean this isn't just a guy, this is a whole imagined future. Marriage, house, kids, growing old together. I can see it all with him, I want it all with him. And if we don't make it, its like I've lost that entire future, lost my chance at happiness, at completeness.