So as you probably know by now, I went back to Orlando last weekend. It was mostly to see Rami, as my time with friends is this coming weekend, but I did manage to surprise my sister and Christine pretty good by having Rami invite them to dinner and then showing up. Hehe, so that was fun. And seeing Rami was great... But seeing the campus, and Orlando, was really hard. I spent alot of time in that airport, in that tower, in that dorm room, in all those places that used to be home. And now, home is in Houston and it looks really weird from the air, stuff I cant recognize.
I worked super long days in order to the the 9/80 which is 80 hours in 2 weeks but instead of doing 8 hrs for 10 days, you work the same number of hours in only 9 days, adding the extra 8 hours to the first 8 days. So I did that, which was alot of long days, in order to get out at 3:00 on thursday and get Friday off. My flight was late cuz of the weather in Houston, though of course the weather in Orlando wasnt any better, thanks to Tropical Storm Fay. Then we got Pita Pit (yay! super yay! love a pita pit gyro!).
The next day I helped him get ready for school... buying books and groceries. Then we went to services and dinner at the Chabad rabbi's house. It was certainly an interesting experience. In case you aren't familiar with the finer points of Chabad judaism... the women and men sit separate at prayer, the rabbi doesn't touch women other than his wife (like to shake their hand or anything), and theres hand washing and wine drinking and... Well you know me so you know how I take the whole women sitting separately thing. Its an equality thing, because separate but equal is not really equal, and a specific to my female engineer kind of feminism thing, because equal doesn't mean the-same-as and I don't want to be equal but different, I want to be the same. Its a holdover from the days when women weren't really educated in reading and writing and all the things necessary to pray, and so our non-praying presence was a distraction. And in general I do not like the hold overs from the days before women were equal because that, to me, is the same as holding over the idea that women are not equal. In specific its not equal because the rabbi (a male) stands over with the males and we in the women side cant see him. Plus the girls really arent given the same incentive to shut up and pay attention so they don't. It makes immersion in the service difficult, feels isolating. And I'm not sure that I will ever be able to mesh super girl power engineer with that separate and unequal dogma. But I thought about it, and I love him and I have decided that I can just button up and deal with it, if never learn to like it.
We saw the house bunny (cute but dumb.. as expected) and rented Untraceable (really good but not for those who cant do weird torture scenes cuz its bizzare and gross), and saw Deathrace which was actually really good, for what it was. Joan Allen, man, she is a scary lady. And I got pita pit and longhorn (mmm desert pear margarita) and steak and shake. And I got to go to publix. Which is just awesome, and Kroger can never compare. And we made funfetti.
Its weird because Orlando felt so much like home, all the familiar places, people, things. But then I got back, got into my car, and drove back to my apartment and this kinda felt familiar too. Instead of making me feel better though, it made me feel worse. Where is home? What is home? Do I really have a home? I don't know. Anyways, going back there tomorrow. Then I don't really know what, because operator class starts on the 15th and then we supposedly have about 2 months of this heavy scheduling with no days off expected and the Jewish holidays are using up any potential bargaining I have. I guess if nothing else Rami and I will have to see each other for a regular lengthed weekend, without the extra day. Would suck but better than not seeing each other at all. I wonder when time starts moving faster, when it stops seeming like a week lasts forever. I just wanna get into it and wake up and have it be 3 years from now, have this stuff mostly behind me.
One cool thing is going on... I'm learning russian. And its really hard. More on that later. Love you all.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Summer almost over..
And it shocks me how all of a sudden that doesnt mean anything to me. Not really anyways. I've had interesting summers... SSTP in 03, that amazing summer hanging out with Ed and Bon until all hours of the night at Starlight Diner, SSTP counseloring, the cruise in Russia... and that brings us to this year. It sure has been interesting... graduation, the cruise, one last trip to Orlando, and then moving to Texas to start work. At which point the date stopped carrying meaning. Because with the exception of the week and a half we get off for Christmas (they tried to call it "winter holiday" break as if anyone believes its not because of christmas. As an aside, I am actually more offended when people pretend theyre trying to be inclusive than if they would just admit its for a christian holiday. Hannukah is both barely a holiday worth mentioning and not one that needs days off of school for, and over well before this Christmas vacation ever starts. If you want to be inclusive, give me holidays for the high holidays... or passover. Or stop pretending.)... anyways, aside from that break, and the weather, it might as well be any day of the year. As for the weather... the days are as hot but the rains have come back and I've noticed the evenings are getting cooler. In a couple months, it will be winter. And I know my new coworkers from Minnesota and Illinois will think I'm crazy when I start wearing sweatshirts and acting like hell is freezing over when the temp drops below 60, but I can't help that -40 degree winters are not in my experience. And though we do go to New Hampshire, thats a week and its usually pretty mild (in the teens) and I wear way more clothes in that situation too.
I'm a little bummed that until I have children, summer is just another 3 months of the year. I will miss having all the adventures I used to, but I guess its time to grow up. I am starting to get excited for the fall semester anyways. Probably more than ever before since I'm not taking classes so it doesnt mean homework and earlier mornings (although waking up at 6:3o is my life now and thats no picnic). What it does mean for me is football and trips back to florida. I am going back in less than 2 weeks to see, in no particular order: UCF football opener, Rami, parents and sister, friends, Pita Pit, and Steak and Shake. I will say that I miss those two restaurants, you just can't get a good gyro at 4am or a milkshake with hot fudge in it without them. What kind of horrible city doesnt have a Steak and Shake especially. So yeah, I'm excited for that. And I'm planning to go back for Homecoming too, and Thanksgiving which is a 4 day weekend, and then finally making it through those 3 months, Rami is coming in December for a whole week, then skiiing, then home, then to Orlando for New Years.
I can't wait for the next time I see Rami. Its as hard as ever, and I'm as lonely as ever, and hes with his family for late nights, unplanned activities... I don't get the chance to hear about his day because by the time he isnt doing something its bedtime. Then I gotta get up and he gets dragged off and its just hard... I feel like for the past week I don't really know whats gone on in his life. Bits and pieces maybe... but its isolating, and I'm already isolated enough way the heck out here without seeing all the people I used to see every day. I break down from time to time, most recently on Friday night. I'm just lonely and afraid of being forgotten. By him, by everyone. Heck even my mother momentarily forgot I didn't live in Florida anymore. I love my job and its a cool opportunity and its amazing but at the same time I keep thinking, what if I could have gotten a job at Kennedy? Or with Lockheed? Or Harris? I would be there. My friends would be closer. And the love of my life wouldn't be 1000 miles away. He would be at most a 90 minute drive. I guess its silly but I can't help thinking about it. And if we don't make it, I will forever wonder how different it could have been if I could have stayed. If I could have been a year younger or just a standard 5 year engineer and could have had a year left, another year to be with him. As in really with him.
Other stuff going on... Started playing softball with this group I met through work. It was fun but my body really hurt. Throwing shoulder obviously, but also my abs and my legs. The last was unexpected since I have been running for a while now. It was fun though, I have missed softball and this league isnt too competitive, its more for the fun so I enjoyed it.
Yesterday I played paintball for the first time. Went with people from work as kinda a going away event for an intern that goes to Univ. of Alaska in a frozen tundra thats dark all winter. It was kinda cool. It rained the whole time so it was really muddy and I was filthy. I'm also not great, but it was alot of fun. With practice and without the rain and maybe with a better face mask I think it would be even more fun and I would certainly try it again. It wasn't cheap, but also wasnt terribly expensive. $30 for the day, and we spent 5 hours there so it was alot of entertainment... plus possibly ruined clothes. After though, and I'm not sure why or what I did, my neck has been killing me. I think its muscle rather than needing to crack it and it hurts alot to turn my head to the right or lean forward. I was hoping overnight it would get better but it feels about the same.
And today, since it was sales tax free weekend, I did a little shopping. Bought some new bras and Express had their super expensive but really cute work pants on sale so I bought more. That brings me up to 5 pants I can wear to work, plus jeans on casual fridays, so I can throw a few more into the rotation. Disappointingly I'm still a size 10 there, and a 36 band size which is a little bigger than last summer when I last bought bras but I guess I like comfortable clothes so I wouldnt try to squeeze into smaller. And I think if I can reign my eating habits in a little better and keep up with the running, I can get a bit more in shape and fit back into my teeny jeans (ok theyre a size 8, not exactly teeny but there is something to be said for double digits. But theyre snug and make my butt look good, plus theyre dark enough to wear to work during the week so if I can fit them comfortably (I can already squeeze into them, but to sit for 9 hours I need them to really fit) I can wear them and have even more pants in my small work clothing rotation.
And I was looking for a place to get a bikini wax... couldnt really find one so I have a plan B and a plan C to put into work before I go to Orlando, but what exactly that is, is gonna be a surprise. I've also been looking for a place to get a haircut. I'm scared though, cuz I've never gotten my hair cut at like a random super cuts kinda place, and the same person has cut my hair since I'm like 8, she did hair for all of our bar/bat mitzvahs and if I somehow manage to get married in South Florida, I hope I can get her to do that too cuz shes awesome. And I never really went in with a plan, just said it needs to be shorter and a general length in mind and let her go at it. With a generic place, that could turn out really bad. But I guess how much do I care about my hear anyways? Not too much, so as long as they don't shave my head and expose the bump, I should be ok. Hehe. Anyways, I guess thats all I have to write. Gonna go rustle up some dinner before heading to bed.
Anyways, love you guys. Hope all is well with you. As you can see, I'm hanging in.
I'm a little bummed that until I have children, summer is just another 3 months of the year. I will miss having all the adventures I used to, but I guess its time to grow up. I am starting to get excited for the fall semester anyways. Probably more than ever before since I'm not taking classes so it doesnt mean homework and earlier mornings (although waking up at 6:3o is my life now and thats no picnic). What it does mean for me is football and trips back to florida. I am going back in less than 2 weeks to see, in no particular order: UCF football opener, Rami, parents and sister, friends, Pita Pit, and Steak and Shake. I will say that I miss those two restaurants, you just can't get a good gyro at 4am or a milkshake with hot fudge in it without them. What kind of horrible city doesnt have a Steak and Shake especially. So yeah, I'm excited for that. And I'm planning to go back for Homecoming too, and Thanksgiving which is a 4 day weekend, and then finally making it through those 3 months, Rami is coming in December for a whole week, then skiiing, then home, then to Orlando for New Years.
I can't wait for the next time I see Rami. Its as hard as ever, and I'm as lonely as ever, and hes with his family for late nights, unplanned activities... I don't get the chance to hear about his day because by the time he isnt doing something its bedtime. Then I gotta get up and he gets dragged off and its just hard... I feel like for the past week I don't really know whats gone on in his life. Bits and pieces maybe... but its isolating, and I'm already isolated enough way the heck out here without seeing all the people I used to see every day. I break down from time to time, most recently on Friday night. I'm just lonely and afraid of being forgotten. By him, by everyone. Heck even my mother momentarily forgot I didn't live in Florida anymore. I love my job and its a cool opportunity and its amazing but at the same time I keep thinking, what if I could have gotten a job at Kennedy? Or with Lockheed? Or Harris? I would be there. My friends would be closer. And the love of my life wouldn't be 1000 miles away. He would be at most a 90 minute drive. I guess its silly but I can't help thinking about it. And if we don't make it, I will forever wonder how different it could have been if I could have stayed. If I could have been a year younger or just a standard 5 year engineer and could have had a year left, another year to be with him. As in really with him.
Other stuff going on... Started playing softball with this group I met through work. It was fun but my body really hurt. Throwing shoulder obviously, but also my abs and my legs. The last was unexpected since I have been running for a while now. It was fun though, I have missed softball and this league isnt too competitive, its more for the fun so I enjoyed it.
Yesterday I played paintball for the first time. Went with people from work as kinda a going away event for an intern that goes to Univ. of Alaska in a frozen tundra thats dark all winter. It was kinda cool. It rained the whole time so it was really muddy and I was filthy. I'm also not great, but it was alot of fun. With practice and without the rain and maybe with a better face mask I think it would be even more fun and I would certainly try it again. It wasn't cheap, but also wasnt terribly expensive. $30 for the day, and we spent 5 hours there so it was alot of entertainment... plus possibly ruined clothes. After though, and I'm not sure why or what I did, my neck has been killing me. I think its muscle rather than needing to crack it and it hurts alot to turn my head to the right or lean forward. I was hoping overnight it would get better but it feels about the same.
And today, since it was sales tax free weekend, I did a little shopping. Bought some new bras and Express had their super expensive but really cute work pants on sale so I bought more. That brings me up to 5 pants I can wear to work, plus jeans on casual fridays, so I can throw a few more into the rotation. Disappointingly I'm still a size 10 there, and a 36 band size which is a little bigger than last summer when I last bought bras but I guess I like comfortable clothes so I wouldnt try to squeeze into smaller. And I think if I can reign my eating habits in a little better and keep up with the running, I can get a bit more in shape and fit back into my teeny jeans (ok theyre a size 8, not exactly teeny but there is something to be said for double digits. But theyre snug and make my butt look good, plus theyre dark enough to wear to work during the week so if I can fit them comfortably (I can already squeeze into them, but to sit for 9 hours I need them to really fit) I can wear them and have even more pants in my small work clothing rotation.
And I was looking for a place to get a bikini wax... couldnt really find one so I have a plan B and a plan C to put into work before I go to Orlando, but what exactly that is, is gonna be a surprise. I've also been looking for a place to get a haircut. I'm scared though, cuz I've never gotten my hair cut at like a random super cuts kinda place, and the same person has cut my hair since I'm like 8, she did hair for all of our bar/bat mitzvahs and if I somehow manage to get married in South Florida, I hope I can get her to do that too cuz shes awesome. And I never really went in with a plan, just said it needs to be shorter and a general length in mind and let her go at it. With a generic place, that could turn out really bad. But I guess how much do I care about my hear anyways? Not too much, so as long as they don't shave my head and expose the bump, I should be ok. Hehe. Anyways, I guess thats all I have to write. Gonna go rustle up some dinner before heading to bed.
Anyways, love you guys. Hope all is well with you. As you can see, I'm hanging in.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Sorry its been so long...
Its been a long time since I've written.
Things at work have kinda settled down. For now its a waiting game for the actual training to start in Sept, until then we are basically doing get ahead studying and its interesting reading but you can only read technical manuals for so many hours a day. I try to break up the day by alternating some computer video classes that are sometimes useful and sometimes not so much, taking classes that I may actually end up taking again during the training because it is basically designed to start in the second week of work so no time for pre-reading. Anyways, I still like it, and if I ever start to get a little bogged down in the manuals I take a walk over to mission control and remind myself that I have the coolest job ever. :-)
In other goings on, we had a tropical storm this week. Cancelled work for a day and a half but it was barely a rainshower. Half the day was kinda cloudy, without too much rain. I was worried though, a little, cuz I have seen bad storms and I wasnt sure how bad this one would be. I just hope my coworkers who havent been through real storms dont think all hurricanes are like Tropical Storm Edouard.
And I have been hanging with some people from work. We have a good group... karaoke on thursdays, moving to fridays next week at this excellently Texas dive bar right near work. And then theres this other group that I'm suppposed to be playing softball with. We were supposed to have a game this Tuesday, then the weather got in the way. So we will see about this week. And going to see sisterhood of the traveling pants with a girl from work tomorrow night.
Today I finished week 2 of couch to 5k, starting on week 3 either tomorrow or sunday morning. I got kinda waylayed by Rami's visit and other physical activities but I wouldn't trade that for all the runs in the world. I'm on track now, and I'm sticking with it.
So theres that, and then theres Rami. Things have been rough. I dunno, I mean I'm really lonely. I barely know anyone, I come home every day to this empty apartment and eat something boring for dinner on my couch and go to sleep all alone in a big empty bed. I talk to some people on the phone, or online, but no matter who I talk to, including him, when the conversation is over I am alone again. But when I talk to him, even more than anyone else, I feel less lonely. I feel almost like he's here, like we're together again. And I really do want us to be together. I love him and I like talking to him and I like being around him. He makes me feel sexy and happy and smart and fun and special. The last time he was here was really nice. The first night we stayed up for hours... talking, having sex, just being together. Being apart has taught us to have better conversations. He's smart too, and funny, and sweet and I truly enjoy talking to him. I just hope we can survive this. In 3 weeks I go to Orlando for labor day weekend, for football, and my parents, but mostly for him. I love him. I miss him. And every time we are apart, every time he gets on that plane or (now) that I get on the plane leaving orlando on september 1st... it just seems a little less likely things are going to be ok.
He always seems really sure, that he loves me, that we'll make it. I wonder, alot, if its an act. If he really doubts as much as I do, but anytime I ask him, he always says we'll be ok. He always sounds like he believes it. Maybe I just hear what I want to hear. I want to be that sure....
I am sure of this: I love him. I really can see us being together forever. I am extremely attracted to him, physically of course, but also to his personality. And I am trying to keep it together, to keep us together.
But I am also worried... Its alot of money, its alot of time. And if we don't make it, it will be worse because I will not only miss him and be heartbroken but will have thrown away alot in pursuit. And every day that goes by, I wonder if he will decide its not worth it, that 4 years and 1000 miles are just too much. I wouldnt blame him, I think it would ruin a college experience to be thinking about your girlfriend in Texas. But I just have to hope in the end I'm worth it to him.
Anyways, as you can see I'm a bit of a wreck, but its nothing you wouldn't expect of me. I like to think, overthink really, and I always worry, and I have never been in love like this, never had this much to lose before. I mean this isn't just a guy, this is a whole imagined future. Marriage, house, kids, growing old together. I can see it all with him, I want it all with him. And if we don't make it, its like I've lost that entire future, lost my chance at happiness, at completeness.
Things at work have kinda settled down. For now its a waiting game for the actual training to start in Sept, until then we are basically doing get ahead studying and its interesting reading but you can only read technical manuals for so many hours a day. I try to break up the day by alternating some computer video classes that are sometimes useful and sometimes not so much, taking classes that I may actually end up taking again during the training because it is basically designed to start in the second week of work so no time for pre-reading. Anyways, I still like it, and if I ever start to get a little bogged down in the manuals I take a walk over to mission control and remind myself that I have the coolest job ever. :-)
In other goings on, we had a tropical storm this week. Cancelled work for a day and a half but it was barely a rainshower. Half the day was kinda cloudy, without too much rain. I was worried though, a little, cuz I have seen bad storms and I wasnt sure how bad this one would be. I just hope my coworkers who havent been through real storms dont think all hurricanes are like Tropical Storm Edouard.
And I have been hanging with some people from work. We have a good group... karaoke on thursdays, moving to fridays next week at this excellently Texas dive bar right near work. And then theres this other group that I'm suppposed to be playing softball with. We were supposed to have a game this Tuesday, then the weather got in the way. So we will see about this week. And going to see sisterhood of the traveling pants with a girl from work tomorrow night.
Today I finished week 2 of couch to 5k, starting on week 3 either tomorrow or sunday morning. I got kinda waylayed by Rami's visit and other physical activities but I wouldn't trade that for all the runs in the world. I'm on track now, and I'm sticking with it.
So theres that, and then theres Rami. Things have been rough. I dunno, I mean I'm really lonely. I barely know anyone, I come home every day to this empty apartment and eat something boring for dinner on my couch and go to sleep all alone in a big empty bed. I talk to some people on the phone, or online, but no matter who I talk to, including him, when the conversation is over I am alone again. But when I talk to him, even more than anyone else, I feel less lonely. I feel almost like he's here, like we're together again. And I really do want us to be together. I love him and I like talking to him and I like being around him. He makes me feel sexy and happy and smart and fun and special. The last time he was here was really nice. The first night we stayed up for hours... talking, having sex, just being together. Being apart has taught us to have better conversations. He's smart too, and funny, and sweet and I truly enjoy talking to him. I just hope we can survive this. In 3 weeks I go to Orlando for labor day weekend, for football, and my parents, but mostly for him. I love him. I miss him. And every time we are apart, every time he gets on that plane or (now) that I get on the plane leaving orlando on september 1st... it just seems a little less likely things are going to be ok.
He always seems really sure, that he loves me, that we'll make it. I wonder, alot, if its an act. If he really doubts as much as I do, but anytime I ask him, he always says we'll be ok. He always sounds like he believes it. Maybe I just hear what I want to hear. I want to be that sure....
I am sure of this: I love him. I really can see us being together forever. I am extremely attracted to him, physically of course, but also to his personality. And I am trying to keep it together, to keep us together.
But I am also worried... Its alot of money, its alot of time. And if we don't make it, it will be worse because I will not only miss him and be heartbroken but will have thrown away alot in pursuit. And every day that goes by, I wonder if he will decide its not worth it, that 4 years and 1000 miles are just too much. I wouldnt blame him, I think it would ruin a college experience to be thinking about your girlfriend in Texas. But I just have to hope in the end I'm worth it to him.
Anyways, as you can see I'm a bit of a wreck, but its nothing you wouldn't expect of me. I like to think, overthink really, and I always worry, and I have never been in love like this, never had this much to lose before. I mean this isn't just a guy, this is a whole imagined future. Marriage, house, kids, growing old together. I can see it all with him, I want it all with him. And if we don't make it, its like I've lost that entire future, lost my chance at happiness, at completeness.
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