So as you may know we had a hurricane here about a week and a half ago. They shut the space center down on wednesday when work ended and I came home to try to get some stuff ready-- bring my things in off the patio, do some laundry while there was still power and water, and talk to my mom. My original original plan was to go to Texarkana where my friend Elizabeth is living for her job, but that is 6 hours north before you start adding evacuation traffic (and mandatory evacuations were starting at 7am... plus at this point we were still expecting to go to work for some, if not all, of Thursday). So I decided it would be easier to stay in my apartment. I had canned food, water, flashlights, and nearly a full tank of gas which would have taken me to nowhere near Texarkana (as a full tank barely got me from home to Orlando and that is twice as far, plus sitting in bumper to bumper traffic with the AC on because its 90 degrees out there does not help gas mileage any) but would certainly be enough to last me for the few days after the storm. This was not my first rodeo, as they say, so I thought I would be fine. I think that was mostly fake confidence because I didnt really see better options, and not because I actually think I could have handled this storm on my own. Then my mom calls me freaking out about how I dont have a landline so if the power went out and my cell tower got knocked down I would be out of internet and cell reach and nobody would know what happened to me. Still playing brave I told her I would go find a payphone after the storm if I needed to and that it would be fine. Then she calls me a little later saying that she and my dad (usually the calm one, so I knew it was serious when she was in it) would pay for me to fly out to Florida the next day to avoid the storm. I was still pretending I would be fine in the storm but certainly wasnt going to turn down a trip home so I set to packing and preparing the apartment to leave the next morning. Checking my work email, the official word was to open the space center until noon and then let everyone go on evacuation leave to prepare and bunker down.
So I got up the next morning, with a ticket into Orlando booked for 8:20pm, and finished packing, collected the stuff from my fridge that was sure to go bad and get gross, shoved everything else in the freezer praying that a short power outage combined with the amount of frozen foods and me not being there to open the door might actually result in my food making it through the experience. I has been planning to make lasanga and tacos so I had all the ingredients and I didnt want to lose them all. I went grocery shopping the weekend before because, honestly, nobody believes hurricanes will hit Houston, especially in September. Its been 20 years since a hurricane came near houston and did any damage, and Ike was predicted to hit northern Mexico at that point. But we all know that when hurricane magnet Stephanie is involved Francis makes me turn 18 on the turnpike and ali turn 18 trapped in her parents house under hurricane lockdown, Wilma does a u-turn on the Yucatan peninsula and run right over south florida, and Ike shifts unpredictably up from Mexico to Corpus Christie, to right the fuck over my apartment basically. So I probably should have known.
Luckily my apartment had no damage, and the power was only out for 2 days so my mom says my food should still be good. I admit I'm kinda scared to try it though. You know how I feel about potentially spoiled food. And I got to spend a week in Florida pretending to be a UCF student and hanging out with Rami, and Heather, and other peoples. The space center got some damage and because of the lost week the shuttle flights have been pushed back and alot of people had some big damage to their homes. Mostly from flooding, and alot of downtown, which got the eye, had some windows in the tall buildings blown out. Predictable hurricane stuff, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting. Thinking back I never should have thought I wanted to go through another hurricane. Its hard, and the aftermath is no fun (no power, no showers, no internet, no restaurants, food from cans... its not fun), and seeing all the damage is eerie and reminds me alot of past hurricane trauma. So yeah, I'm glad I got out, I'm glad I got a little vacation rather than staying hidden in my apartment praying for things to get better. I am very grateful that my parents let me do this. And I'm glad Rami took me in for the week. And I'm very lucky my stuff made it through too. Its not as important as my life, but it does make things easier to not have to start over, even though insurance usually makes that a profitable experience, its a stressful one.
We got back to work this week, things are kinda out of sorts, and not too much is getting done. Alot of processing, trying to reschedule, and wrap our heads around things. The space center looks different, the trees, the tarped buildings. And the streetlights around are out alot which makes the driving suck. Next week starts the official training classes which were supposed to start last week. Also tuesday (well monday night) is Rosh Hashana. And that brings me to a great big dark cloud topic over my life....
Tuesday, smack in the middle of the first week of training, is not a day to go home for the holidays. So I have to find somewhere here. At school it was easy... go home if I could, go to Hillel if I couldnt. But here... I need to find a temple. And with my recent Chabad-ing experience, Rami said I should go there. They feed you, they pray, you don't have to pay though I have a good job so I will give them something, and you don't have to be a member. The problem is its rather far, down by Rice university and the UT medical school. Good thing about that is alot of young people, and I wont be the only one without a family. But I'm not sure its where I belong. I am giving it a try this weekend for Shabbat services and as long as it isn't some kind of terrible, awful, shoot me now experience it will certainly do for the high holidays. But I am starting to wonder... what if I could find a piece of my religion in which I truly belong. And further more, if it werent for Rami, I probably would have taken this new training as a good reason to give up the Jew thing altogether so maybe he was kinda sent to me to keep me from giving up my religion. If not, he's having that effect anyways. So then... we had used the Chabad website to find the Chabad in Houston. And then I started clicking around the website seeing what I could learn. I am still put off by the separation of men and women. And by the not counting women in a minyan. And by not letting women read Torah. It still bothers me... but I thought lots of people do it and maybe I could see what they had to say, maybe it would make some kind of sense. So I got to the section for women and found a rather interesting article, that you should read (or at least skim... it is crazy long): http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/385355/jewish/The-Back-of-the-Synagogue-is-Not-the-Back-of-the-Bus.htm
So ok its an interview with two women. One is the daughter of a rabbi, wife of another, director of some big Jewish school thing... one is a former christian feminist who converted to judaism and became orthodox afterwards. And they spend alot of time defending the position of women in judaism. And they make alot of sense. Women are respected, women are considered of higher sprirtual indepence-- the men need synagogue to guide them to G-d while the women instinctively can connect to G-d through their own minds. Makes total sense. And that the separation is because you are not supposed to focus on the people around you but send your prayers up. And that also makes sense.
But before you think I am going around the bend or something there is a... HOWEVER...
It still does not dispel the idea that women belong in the home, that their energy and spirituality should be focused inward on the home and family while men need and belong in the community. So I will, before deciding that I can spend any length of time past Nehila on Yom Kippur at Chabad, need to get serious answers from the Rabbi or someone there to these two questions:
1. Why, in 2008, does the separation still serve a purpose? Men see women alot, they go to secular school with them, work with them, see them in the world. And these people may avoid the world on Saturday but they still have to exist in it on a usual basis. So why, then can they not also sit next to them in prayer and still send their prayers up? And furthermore why should we perpetuate the notion that women are distractions?
2. Do they honestly believe that by choosing a big crazy career that will often take me away from the home, for believing that my husband will do most of the cooking, and for not being the sole or at least main childcare provider... by not following the normal gender role assigned by orthodox judaism to my gender do they believe that I am not living the way G-d wants me too? Serious question. Rami (and their website) says that the Chabad movement accepts you regardless of your level of observance. And I believe that. They may not look down on me or reject me for living that life, but the question is different. Am I not following the right path? Would they be ok if their daughters lived like this? Would they be upset if their sons married a girl like me? Tolerance of my different lifestyle choices does not imply condoning it or encouraging it or allowing the same from their own children. For all I know, having a real job, being the breadwinner for my family (as I fully intend to make way more money that the future mr. stephanie), is that like being gay? Yeah we'll welcome you, but we don't think you're living the way you should. I want to get a straight answer. I want the truth. And from there I will need to decide what that means for me.
I never really believe that Judaism devalues women. And this article certainly disputes that even more. I mean the religion of the child is the religion of the mother, that counts for alot. But I hold feminism and gender equality to a different yardstick than most. It is not enough to be equal, I want to be the same. And yes, maybe that ignores some physiological and psychological differences that are inherent in the genetic makeup of the different genders but lets separate out that. What makes a man: strength, mental capacity, penchant for toughness? I am not as strong... I cannot lift what a man can lift. But there are body builder women that can lift way more than a regular guy walking down the street can. However, mentally, I believe I am just as smart as any man. I believe that I can do my job as well as any man, and better than some. Ok and toughness... I think that comes from a variety of things. There are women at war, women who do tough jobs... cop, doctor, climbing moutains. Ok what makes a women: cooking, cleaning, maternal instinct? I can't cook for shit, and alot of men can. Like Emeril- I've been to his restaurant, its fantastic. And maternal instinct... it remains to be seen, but I don't think I've exhibited alot. While some men do alot of child rearing, teaching, babysitting.
What we are talking about is personal strengths... thats why I think people should be treated not only equal but the same. Given the same options, whether male or female, and let their own unique strengths come out. You can be a woman who wants to be a mom, but you can also be a woman who wants to be president or engineer. You can be a man who wants to be king of the boardroom, but you could also have a man who wants to cook or clean or be there for his kids. And that is personal, not gender specific. The thing about the more orthodox Judaism is that men have men roles and women have women roles. Both are significant, they are equal in importance and it takes two halves to make a whole... but they are not the same. There is no room left for those who do not fall in the usual roles. No room for a woman who wants to read torah or become rabbi or go outside the home for work. And no room for a man who wants to stay home and take care of the kids, who wants to cook. I always thought that Rami never got upset about this because he had the rights... but I see that men are just as restricted to their roles as we are to ours. I wonder if we asked the rabbi if G-d really wanted him to be the one to cook and clean and pick the kids up from school, I wonder if he would find that his path is not the "right" as much as mine isnt.
The bottom line is that maybe Chabad could be somewhere to belong. This is a very important time, I need to find the place I belong. I need to choose my relgious direction for my life.. it wont be handed to me the way it was, and I need to make a choice. Obviously its not permanent, but I feel that skipping this holiday, this choice would be a permanent step away from G-d. So, we will see. It would be nice to get answers I could live with, nice to find a religious path on which I belong. And maybe I will. Here's hoping.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
Bad Behavior
... and everybody's doing it.
But ok, lets start at the beginning. Friday. Left work, went to airport. Got on plane. Landed a few mins early in Orlando, ate at melting pot with Rami, watched some CSI: Miami. Fell asleep halfway through second episode, and again in the middle of third. Saturday: Got up. Met parents for IHOP. Tailgated in the occasional storming, often raining, sometimes sideways raining lovely Florida summer weather. But there were hot dogs and the redneck golf/ ladder ball game. And cheese and chips and dip and cookies. And all my favorite people together under 2 tents. Which was awesome, cuz I super miss all those people. Then... football. And UCF won. But there was more rain and the game got dull when we were up 10-0 in the third and things kinda slowed to a crappy playing stall. But Brighthouse Stadium gives me warm fuzzies, I truly love being there. Its like being a part of something amazing. After the game, BWW until midnight. Yay chicken!
Sunday: Met my parents for lunch at Tijuana Flats before they headed back home. Then Rami and I went on a great adventure. First to find his lab coat in sketchy OBT (out of business), then to Kissimmee (closed on sundays), then to play at Disney on the speedboat. We had to stop at a scary kmart and then finally a target to buy bathing suits because we were not appropriately dressed. I make a big fuss about the water and his inability to plan, but secretly love that he makes my life fun and interesting and a little off the beaten path. And it was fun, except when the scary boat honked at us, and when i started feeling a little dizzy toward the end (seasick, the humming motor finally getting to me, or something else?... idk). Then dinner with all the awesome people-- RAs, family, friends. I had a good time, the food was good, and though the rest of the night kinda overshadows it, at this point I was genuinely happy and yet sad that I had to leave it all behind for my supposedly cool big girl life.
After dinner the evening kinda pared down a bit: Me, Ali, Christine, Ben, Rami, and my sister and Stacy. Rami had to take his friend we picked up home so Christine sent me on a liquor run too. The liquor store was closed so we settled for a few 6-packs from walmart. The evening was interesting at first, but as the drinking continued, the bad behavior sprung up. And everyone was doing, with the exception of my sister and Stacy who were great except for the scary gay porn bit but it was not their decision to inflict it on the rest of us. I will start with myself, because the incident started with me anyways.
Me: Why did I bring up the sex? Why do I put Rami in a position to have his techniques criticized openly by others, and where there is no room for fault? Let me say this, my lack of, uh, the big O is my fault alone. He tries, I stop him, and it is not up to him to make it, its up to me to let go. Other things, too, that I have ever mentioned, me, mine, my problem. Rami got himself a virgin and that takes a bit of work. And it never gets easier to keep pushing the frontier. Think of all the people and oxen you've killed in Oregon trail. Anyways, I started it by letting the conversation go where it didnt belong, and by doing other things that you all may feel free to call me on because I know that I am not alone. Also, I precipitated the incident by getting pissy about something quite common-- a joking head push. But my neck was hurting from the boat and the weird dorm bed, and I was tired, and I guess in a mood... so I overreacted and yelled at him and things went downhill from there.
Rami: He overreacted to my overreaction, and things went so far away from in proportion that the line is a dot to us by this point. But his overreaction comes from other things...
Alcohol: Not actually a person, but certainly a factor. Say what you want about your state of drunkenness... there was silliness, yelling, loopiness-- all the indicators that people were feeling the happy juice. I had half a beer and I was feeling the happy juice. Everyone else present, but Rami, had had far more than that and were acting in kind. And drinking is fun, parties are fun, and the drunk people were of age and not driving so no illegal or even morally repugnant things were going on... until the shit hits the fan and you either behave stupid or you behave smart... and there was nobody behaving smart (except Ben maybe, he did alright).
Ali: I love you, you have always been my best friend and I hope you always were... but you are nothing but mean to Rami and you always have been. Yes the sex changed me, yes realizing that Eric was not the only boy in the world who could ever possibly like me made me behave and think of myself differently... yes I am not the same shy, timid person who sees fat girl in the mirror. I know that us growing up has given us new things to get used to... but this is no excuse for how you treat him. You don't have to like him, you don't have to talk to him when I'm not around, be his friend, ask him out for coffee... but you should behave civilly toward him because he makes me happy and he loves me and he is good to me, despite how this night panned out. You were mean... you were short with him, snapping at him. I told him months ago when I saw the tension that I loved you both and I asked him to be nice to you. And he has. But you do not return the favor. He sat there through tailgating, the game, lunch, dinner, and at the house just taking whatever you dished out. He did it for me because I was there for 3 days and I wanted to see everyone I loved, so he took it all in and tried to keep the peace. Is it surprising he eventually couldn't take it anymore?
Christine: You didn't really do anything awful, you got frisky as you got drunker (yeah, you left a hickey on my shoulder... and you kissed me square on the lips) which I think got a little hard for him to handle, and then when the yelling started you got right into it. I know you were trying to protect me, I know you always will and I love you for it. In retrospect, I don't think it was the best way, but I understand why you did it and I'm not mad at you for it. As I've said, everyone's behavior was a little bit bad.
Ben: Alot of the same, certainly he tried to get a handle on the situation the best way he could. Monday morning quarterbacking, you always see better moves, better methods, but in the middle of it all, the choices made are the best available.
So the story: After I snapped at Rami, he super snapped at me. Stormed out, threatened to leave me there. Christine protected me, as she thought (due to my overreaction) that I had been hit/abused/mistreated, only serving to escalate the fight to a white trash trailer park brawl which spilled into the sidewalk. There was threatening, yelling, pleading.. more yelling. And to diffuse the situation, I dissolved into tears (hehe, nice going) and gave my sister a hug while she went on beliving that I really was abused. RAMI WILL NEVER HURT ME. He is good to me, always. Takes care of me, loves me, goes out of his way to make me happy. He is not the only one in our relationship with a temper and a short fuse, and he is not the only one in that house with a similarly short temper, and he is not the only one in the world to ever get angry. He may yell, but he has never and I truly believe will never, lay a hand on me in anger. Hes a good guy, he really is. Last night was just bad behavior, all around. And everyone deserves another chance, so I hope we can all give each other the chances.
In the aftermath, in the car I begged him to take me back and let me say goodbye to everyone but he said I needed wait til everyone sobered up. Hes seen alot of bad shit, people behaving badly, alcohol making people bad and/or dead and I think he slipped into cop mode and needed to remove me from what he thought was a threatening situation. That they thought he was the threatening situation was a problem but I promise you, I was never in danger... in either place. He offered repeatedly to wait on the street outside their house development or return a few hours later once everyone had sobered up, but I was tired and upset and wanted to wait the night to let everyone get some rest and get some perspective. I think he was misguided but not malevolent. We talked more about what was said... hes sorry for getting into it with Christine, I know. And sorry for scaring my sister. And sorry to me for threatening to leave... he knows that pushes my buttons, knows that I don't ever want to be walked out on. But he did apologize for that. Looking at it now, I see that I did start it. And that everyone acted badly.
So I will start the apologies: I'm sorry for overreacting. I'm sorry for letting you all believe I was in danger. And I'm sorry for just giving in and going. I was tired, I was edgy, and I just wanted it all to end. So I made a choice. Thinking now, there were better options but I, like most of you, was embroiled in the situation and did the best I could with a split second decision.
I love you all, and I hope you don't hate me for pointing out what I see about the night. I hope we can all move past this and that you will all still love me when the dust settles. Because I love all of you. Call me after 6 eastern tomorrow... and maybe, if you feel like apologizing or commenting (or even telling me I am way off base and should give up)... come here, post something. Ok, love you guys. Now, finally, to bed. Its almost my birthday!
But ok, lets start at the beginning. Friday. Left work, went to airport. Got on plane. Landed a few mins early in Orlando, ate at melting pot with Rami, watched some CSI: Miami. Fell asleep halfway through second episode, and again in the middle of third. Saturday: Got up. Met parents for IHOP. Tailgated in the occasional storming, often raining, sometimes sideways raining lovely Florida summer weather. But there were hot dogs and the redneck golf/ ladder ball game. And cheese and chips and dip and cookies. And all my favorite people together under 2 tents. Which was awesome, cuz I super miss all those people. Then... football. And UCF won. But there was more rain and the game got dull when we were up 10-0 in the third and things kinda slowed to a crappy playing stall. But Brighthouse Stadium gives me warm fuzzies, I truly love being there. Its like being a part of something amazing. After the game, BWW until midnight. Yay chicken!
Sunday: Met my parents for lunch at Tijuana Flats before they headed back home. Then Rami and I went on a great adventure. First to find his lab coat in sketchy OBT (out of business), then to Kissimmee (closed on sundays), then to play at Disney on the speedboat. We had to stop at a scary kmart and then finally a target to buy bathing suits because we were not appropriately dressed. I make a big fuss about the water and his inability to plan, but secretly love that he makes my life fun and interesting and a little off the beaten path. And it was fun, except when the scary boat honked at us, and when i started feeling a little dizzy toward the end (seasick, the humming motor finally getting to me, or something else?... idk). Then dinner with all the awesome people-- RAs, family, friends. I had a good time, the food was good, and though the rest of the night kinda overshadows it, at this point I was genuinely happy and yet sad that I had to leave it all behind for my supposedly cool big girl life.
After dinner the evening kinda pared down a bit: Me, Ali, Christine, Ben, Rami, and my sister and Stacy. Rami had to take his friend we picked up home so Christine sent me on a liquor run too. The liquor store was closed so we settled for a few 6-packs from walmart. The evening was interesting at first, but as the drinking continued, the bad behavior sprung up. And everyone was doing, with the exception of my sister and Stacy who were great except for the scary gay porn bit but it was not their decision to inflict it on the rest of us. I will start with myself, because the incident started with me anyways.
Me: Why did I bring up the sex? Why do I put Rami in a position to have his techniques criticized openly by others, and where there is no room for fault? Let me say this, my lack of, uh, the big O is my fault alone. He tries, I stop him, and it is not up to him to make it, its up to me to let go. Other things, too, that I have ever mentioned, me, mine, my problem. Rami got himself a virgin and that takes a bit of work. And it never gets easier to keep pushing the frontier. Think of all the people and oxen you've killed in Oregon trail. Anyways, I started it by letting the conversation go where it didnt belong, and by doing other things that you all may feel free to call me on because I know that I am not alone. Also, I precipitated the incident by getting pissy about something quite common-- a joking head push. But my neck was hurting from the boat and the weird dorm bed, and I was tired, and I guess in a mood... so I overreacted and yelled at him and things went downhill from there.
Rami: He overreacted to my overreaction, and things went so far away from in proportion that the line is a dot to us by this point. But his overreaction comes from other things...
Alcohol: Not actually a person, but certainly a factor. Say what you want about your state of drunkenness... there was silliness, yelling, loopiness-- all the indicators that people were feeling the happy juice. I had half a beer and I was feeling the happy juice. Everyone else present, but Rami, had had far more than that and were acting in kind. And drinking is fun, parties are fun, and the drunk people were of age and not driving so no illegal or even morally repugnant things were going on... until the shit hits the fan and you either behave stupid or you behave smart... and there was nobody behaving smart (except Ben maybe, he did alright).
Ali: I love you, you have always been my best friend and I hope you always were... but you are nothing but mean to Rami and you always have been. Yes the sex changed me, yes realizing that Eric was not the only boy in the world who could ever possibly like me made me behave and think of myself differently... yes I am not the same shy, timid person who sees fat girl in the mirror. I know that us growing up has given us new things to get used to... but this is no excuse for how you treat him. You don't have to like him, you don't have to talk to him when I'm not around, be his friend, ask him out for coffee... but you should behave civilly toward him because he makes me happy and he loves me and he is good to me, despite how this night panned out. You were mean... you were short with him, snapping at him. I told him months ago when I saw the tension that I loved you both and I asked him to be nice to you. And he has. But you do not return the favor. He sat there through tailgating, the game, lunch, dinner, and at the house just taking whatever you dished out. He did it for me because I was there for 3 days and I wanted to see everyone I loved, so he took it all in and tried to keep the peace. Is it surprising he eventually couldn't take it anymore?
Christine: You didn't really do anything awful, you got frisky as you got drunker (yeah, you left a hickey on my shoulder... and you kissed me square on the lips) which I think got a little hard for him to handle, and then when the yelling started you got right into it. I know you were trying to protect me, I know you always will and I love you for it. In retrospect, I don't think it was the best way, but I understand why you did it and I'm not mad at you for it. As I've said, everyone's behavior was a little bit bad.
Ben: Alot of the same, certainly he tried to get a handle on the situation the best way he could. Monday morning quarterbacking, you always see better moves, better methods, but in the middle of it all, the choices made are the best available.
So the story: After I snapped at Rami, he super snapped at me. Stormed out, threatened to leave me there. Christine protected me, as she thought (due to my overreaction) that I had been hit/abused/mistreated, only serving to escalate the fight to a white trash trailer park brawl which spilled into the sidewalk. There was threatening, yelling, pleading.. more yelling. And to diffuse the situation, I dissolved into tears (hehe, nice going) and gave my sister a hug while she went on beliving that I really was abused. RAMI WILL NEVER HURT ME. He is good to me, always. Takes care of me, loves me, goes out of his way to make me happy. He is not the only one in our relationship with a temper and a short fuse, and he is not the only one in that house with a similarly short temper, and he is not the only one in the world to ever get angry. He may yell, but he has never and I truly believe will never, lay a hand on me in anger. Hes a good guy, he really is. Last night was just bad behavior, all around. And everyone deserves another chance, so I hope we can all give each other the chances.
In the aftermath, in the car I begged him to take me back and let me say goodbye to everyone but he said I needed wait til everyone sobered up. Hes seen alot of bad shit, people behaving badly, alcohol making people bad and/or dead and I think he slipped into cop mode and needed to remove me from what he thought was a threatening situation. That they thought he was the threatening situation was a problem but I promise you, I was never in danger... in either place. He offered repeatedly to wait on the street outside their house development or return a few hours later once everyone had sobered up, but I was tired and upset and wanted to wait the night to let everyone get some rest and get some perspective. I think he was misguided but not malevolent. We talked more about what was said... hes sorry for getting into it with Christine, I know. And sorry for scaring my sister. And sorry to me for threatening to leave... he knows that pushes my buttons, knows that I don't ever want to be walked out on. But he did apologize for that. Looking at it now, I see that I did start it. And that everyone acted badly.
So I will start the apologies: I'm sorry for overreacting. I'm sorry for letting you all believe I was in danger. And I'm sorry for just giving in and going. I was tired, I was edgy, and I just wanted it all to end. So I made a choice. Thinking now, there were better options but I, like most of you, was embroiled in the situation and did the best I could with a split second decision.
I love you all, and I hope you don't hate me for pointing out what I see about the night. I hope we can all move past this and that you will all still love me when the dust settles. Because I love all of you. Call me after 6 eastern tomorrow... and maybe, if you feel like apologizing or commenting (or even telling me I am way off base and should give up)... come here, post something. Ok, love you guys. Now, finally, to bed. Its almost my birthday!
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