The adventures of a semi-grown-up and her 1st job

Jews getting into trouble- In defense of gender roles and orthodoxy

2011-05-11T03:50:00.005-04:00

I know, I know, what else is new?

If you haven't yet seen, there's this floating around the internet:
http://www.boingboing.net/2011/05/09/brooklyn-based-newsp.html
http://www.jpost.com/International/Article.aspx?ID=219660&R=R1
http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2011/05/hasidic-paper-removes-hillary-clinton-from-osama-picture-567.html

Oy. Its pretty obvious from reading these articles, and from viewing the photo, that whoever the editor is at this yiddish newspaper...
1. Has entirely too much time on his hands. He photoshopped IN the guy next to Hilary's entire torso. A better use of that time might have been finding a different photo that doesn't have women so as to both not picture women in their newspaper AND not cause the entire world to hate Jews again, some more.
2. Is likely in some legal trouble for altering the photo against the original photo's direct terms of use.
3. Has never heard of journalistic integrity.

However, I am far more concerned by a what the rest of the country is thinking right now, not what the nutjobs who decided the post the doctored picture think. Quite frankly its scary. Jews in America, and the world overall, have a bit of a PR problem. Even before this, people see orthodox Jews as crazy, backwards, sexist, cultish. Read some of the comments on those articles linked above, and you will see that a manageable PR problem has possibly gotten a WHOLE LOT worse.

A selection:

Women covering their hair may seem strange to you - it isn't oppressive or sexist.

A rule that applies to one sex? That seems a little sexist.

It was an action taken by them alone - and does not reflect hasidism, Orhtdox Judaism or religion as a whole.

They did it for reasons of religious belief, but it doesn't reflect religion?

they'll see the truly offensive things are their own presumptions and prejudices.

No, religious piety is what is truly offensive.

Simply the best article to observe how fanatic jews and fanatic muslins are so alike .Does anyone sincerely see any diference in this kind of behavor ? not me , both create their own trueths , both want to impose their views , both use lies , both consider woman as an inferior human . I think this tell everything. Maybe because extremists like these , in both sides are in the power , the problem in the midle-east remains.

I think the Hasids are ridiculous in regard to their views on sexuality and women. I do not think we should abridge their right to believe and act how they wish.

There is a difference between thinking something is sexist, wrong, or ridiculous and abridging people's right to be sexist, wrong, or ridiculous.

They have the right to be however they want. I have the right to call them archaic. They can believe they are right; I can believe they are wrong, and say so.

Now, granted, some people are sticking up for Jews ("not all Jews think this") and some are defending the right of Jews to be as backwards as they want to be (like that last comment above), but I still fear the backlash.
Also it makes me angry, time and again, to see people go from "They cover their hair" to "they are sexist and oppressive."

Which brings me to my points:
1. Modesty is not such a bad thing. I'm sure alot of the fathers out there would be happy to teach a little more modesty to their daughters and a little less objectifying women to their sons. These women who dress this way are NOT oppressed, they are happy. At my shul there are women who wear wigs, women who wear hats, and women who let their hair out. Nobody is persecuted for whichever practice they choose- the men freely socialize with women who show their hair, and their husbands do not berate them for it. The level of modesty, like all matters of observance, is a personal choice.
2. Encouraging women to cover their cleavage is not disrespectful of women. I dare you to tell me you get more respect from a man when you wear a low cut shirt than when you cover your boobs. I have never felt more respected by a man staring at my breasts than one staring at my face. When I attend shul I feel respected for my ideas and my intellect without feeling that I must either defend my body from objectification or expose my body in order to garner attention, my physical appearance is of no relevance to my worth.
3. Equal does NOT mean the same. Or, alternately, different does NOT mean lesser. I will not use racial segregation as an allegory, however many detractors of the Orthodox practices do... black people during segregation really were treated as lesser and it was wrong. Jewish women are not. Let me instead use these analogies... One: When a woman goes to the beach or swimming pool she must wear both bottoms and a top. Women may not be strolling the beach topless. However, men can wear just trunks, chest exposed for all to see, with nobody taking any notice. Is this sexist? Two: When the men come to console, they are expected to wear button down shirts and either a tie or jacket. If a man were to come in short sleeves, or with no jacket or tie he would not be considered appropriately dressed. When I come to console I rarely wear long sleeves, a jacket, or a tie (never a tie). Is this sexist?
Are women lesser because they are expected to cover their nipples in public. Are men lesser because they are expected to wear a tie. No. There are simply sometimes different rules for genders based on natural characteristics or cultural norms. If you were to stand up and say that men's formal apparel is sexist and you demand that all men from here out where skirts, v-necks, and heels so that their attire be equal to women... people would think you insane. It is no different to stand up and say "Orthodox women being forced to dress modestly is sexist and they should be allowed to wear miniskirts and tanktops." First you assume that they are forced, that they would want to do other. Second you assume that because their rules are different, they are somehow being treated as lesser. I know of few men who would wish to trade their ties for high heels, and I know of few Orthodox women who would wish to trade their wigs for sluttery.

In conclusion, to sum up that giant paragraph above... This paper is not representative of all forms of Judaism, nor is its omission of women or other Jewish laws concerning the dress and behavior of women de facto sexism. Those who are opposed are pushing their own agenda onto others for their own purposes and are not taking the needs or wishes of those actually accepting the rules into account. Nobody is asking you, commenters listed above, to wear wigs and long sleeves so it does not concern you what others do. But if you really must push your agenda, go put some men in skirts and leave us alone.

Console Prep

2011-05-06T04:09:00.012-04:00

Tomorrow night I start a 7 night overnight stint in mission control (unless the space shuttle manages to launch before 5/13... unlikely). Basically for the next 7 days I will get up around 6pm, eat dinner/breakfast with my awesome boyfriend, putter around for a few hours, and then head off to work at 11pm until 8am the next day.
One of the things I do to prep for console is make some food. Tonight I cooked a 9 (!) serving chicken and rice casserole. I'll give Dan a couple servings for lunches and I'll keep some to heat up for my 5am breakfast/dinner. Here's a shot of my meals all boxed up:
To make this, I had to skin some chicken thighs. Raw chicken is the grossest thing ever! Then brown it with some garlic. Then the rice went into a pan with wine, chicken broth, onions, spices, and boiled for a bit. Then it all went in the oven with artichokes and frozen peas. Here's what it looked like after the oven:
Haven't tried any yet because its 3am and I can't imagine eating anything right now. I'll let you know. Other console prep includes buying a bunch of snacks. And making muffins to bring in:

These beauties are Brown Sugar and Cornbread muffins, with a brown sugar and cornmeal crunch topping. I haven't tasted them either, but I did lick the bowl and the batter was amazing!

Recently Dan and I have cooked a couple other delicious Cooking Light meals:
For the last Friday in Lent which was also during passover, we needed something breadless and meatless. The recipe was for Tuna but we couldn't find any tuna steaks so we got salmon instead. It was still delicious. Blackened Salmon with spicy slaw.

And last night we made a lighter (not deep fried) Falafel. Here's the whole table layout: Falafel, pita, tahini sauce, and spinach, and Israeli Salad (tomato, onion, cucumber, garlic, red wine vinegar, olive oil).So far, we have not been disappointed by this cookbook in the least. Other recent meals not pictured include Peppered Watercress Turkey Burgers and Grilled Sea Bass with Mango salsa.

More from Cooking Light

2011-04-17T22:41:00.003-04:00

Sorry I have not been posting pictures. However I have been cooking. Here's a selection of some shots I have snapped from recent cooking experiences:

Chicken packets on the camping trip (not a cooking light recipe)- Chicken, potatoes, veggies, cream of mushroom soup, sealed up and tossed in the fire til the chicken is done and the potatoes are soft. Italian Veggie Pie: Lasanga noodles topped with tofu/veggie/tomato sauce mixture, covered with more lasagna noodle, and then topped with cheese. Delicious!

Crab and corn chowder from Cooking Light:
Southwester bean casserole (cooking light)- Layers of beans, spicy tomato sauce, cheese, and tortillas. Yum!

Polynesian Chicken (from cooking light)- Chicken with a sweet sauce, including chunks of pineapple. It was amazing!
There were many others, but these are the ones I got a photo of. Stay tuned next for the Passover Adventures. 7 Grenitzes have descended on Houston and my house for Passover. Mom and I cooked all day today, and have two more cooking days ahead!

Another Saturday Night in MCC

2011-03-12T20:34:00.002-05:00

Hey kids,
For this saturday night I'll be staying up all night long. Like a party animal. Or a shift worker. I'm gonna watch the sun rise. Well I could, if I wasn't stuck in a windowless room. However, the sun will rise on the ISS 8 times before I leave here, and I'll see them all in my data and most of them in the video downlink, so that'll have to do.
Tonight is a fun night though, I get to do alot of commanding, moving really big pieces of the station. We have two giant joints that rotate about a third of the truss each, and then 4 little joints at the end of each of those that rotate just one solar array. I get to move both big ones (called SARJs- Solar Alpha Rotary Joint) and 4 of the 8 little ones (called BGAs- Beta Gimbal Assembly) to keep them safe from the thruster firings during the thruster test tonight. The nights I actually get to DO something I feel way better about spending my nights at work since I didn't just sit here and surf the net all night. Granted, they pay me to sit here knowing full well most nights I'll do nothing. Just in case something bad happens. I'm an insurance policy, basically.

In news actually related to the purported subject of this blog... I have been cooking, just not been so good at taking pictures and posting them. We grilled flank steak and made southwestern bean casserole and lamb chops and just last night there was italian veggie pie (picture posted by Dan on fb and then stolen by me to post on twitter). Its all been delicious, not a single letdown yet. I'm having more veggie pie in 1 hour and 33 minutes, the next time I'm allowed to leave this console.

One good thing about working the weekend overnight shift (in contrast to the many many not so good things presented in that statement)? Lots of free time next week. When I leave console at 8am Monday morning, I'll have worked 32 hours... before most other people have worked a single hour of the week, I'll be one full working day from done. With that spare time, I have ALOT to do:
1. Monday at 9am I am going to buy a car. This car. With luck. I test drove it over a month ago, and have been trying for 3 weeks to get one. The guy keeps jerking me around and saying "tomorrow, tomorrow..." but finally called me on Friday that it was in. Of course I had to be here all night and didn't feel like buying a car right before staying up ALL night. So I called today and they hadn't sold it yet so I'll be going right after work on Monday morning to get it. Hopefully. Whee!
2. Monday at 2pm, cable guy. I got Uverse, and its pretty awesome, but not quite as compatible with my Tivo as I would like. The cable box goes to sleep and the Tivo can't "press ok" so sometimes if I forget to turn the cable box on in the afternoon, or don't get home in time, it records an hour of "Press ok to watch TV." The new Tivo premieres don't have that problem, but my 4 year old Tivo does. But rather than get a new Tivo, I'm just gonna get the Uverse DVR. Cool thing here is that it records stuff all in one location but can be played back on any TV with a cable box... so I can record in my living room and watch in my bed. For some reason though, they can't just give me the DVR... they have to "install" it. Um, I control the space station, I can probably figure out your DVR. But no, I have to wait for the installer.
3. Bicycle... you may have seen the pic of my new trailer hitch. Last sunday me and Dave (a coworker who likes to tinker with cars) installed a trailer hitch on my CRV. Its main purpose is for my new bike rack, so that Dan and I can take our bikes with us camping in a few weeks, and maybe on other adventures. But my bicycle, after 2 years of non-use, and three moves, is not in the best of shape. So I need to strap the poor guy to my car, now that I have a hitch and rack for it, and take it to a bike shop.
4. Car maintenance... poor CRV is a little neglected, and will be more so once I buy a new car. It needs a tire rotation and oil change. Also want to see about maybe getting a transmission flush (if it didn't get one with the 75,000 mile service). And I should probably buy the poor thing new windshield wipers. Though it won't be my everyday car, I just put ~$250 into it with the hitch and rack... and it'll be a good recreational car. The Juke doesn't have alot of interior space, but it doesn't need to, for me to drive to work every day. For camping trips, Ikea runs, and other things, the CRV is still the perfect midsize crap hauler. And I want it to haul my crap for years to come. I foolishly dream of giving it to my 16 year old in like 20 years, who will look at it with disdain and threaten to take the bus, but I'll know that it was and is a wonderful car. I'll also know there is no bus in Houston and its too hot to walk. You'll take the beater and love it you little brat! Kidding, I likely won't let my kid anywhere near my "classic" (read: ancient) car, for fear that it'll break down and she'll be murdered on the side of the street.

Yes I sure am looking forward to all my free time, once I finish spending every waking moment in mission control. When you work a 13 hour shift, you only get 11 hours to leave work, drive home, get into bed, get up, get ready for work, and come back. Not much time for anything else.
Also, while you all mourn the loss of your hour of sleep tonight, I celebrate that my 13 hour shift is only a 12 hour shift. Whee!

An Entire Roasted Chicken!

2011-01-23T22:09:00.003-05:00

Tonight from my new, and so far still awesome, cookbook:
Garlic and Rosemary Roasted Chicken and Cranberry and Apple filled Acorn Squash!!
Yes I roasted an entire chicken. It was rather large, and cooked forever, but it was kinda cool. And I said I would cook all the way through the cookbook, which includes whole roasted chickens.

Here is me sticking my fingers in the chicken (to put rosemary and crushed garlic between the chicken and skin). No funny business!

It came out beautiful! I can't believe it came out looking edible, let alone good.For the side dishes... Roasted Acorn Squash. Green apple and cranberry sauce sauteed in a pan, then scooped into the squash (emptied of seeds and weird stringy stuff). Also, garlic, which was roasted with the chicken in its head, mashed into a paste and put on some toasted french bread. And the onion chunks roasted with the chicken as another side. And some wine :-)

Here's the whole spread:
My new cookbook is definitely not letting me down. :-)

Stuffed chicken and cookies

2011-01-20T21:12:00.010-05:00

The Cooking Light project continues. So far I have been extremely happy with all the recipes. On Tuesday we made...

Brie and Caramelized Onion Stuffed Chicken:
The oniony goop kinda spilled out of the chicken and into the sauce but it was super delicious. I forgot to take a picture of it all plated and pretty so these were the lunch leftover breasts before I packed them up. We ate them with some green beans sauteed in spicy peanut sauce (bought in a bottle from the grocery, nothing too fancy). Yum!

Then we also made chocolate mint cookies. The dough is easy to make, then you form it into a log, wrap in wax paper, and stick in the freezer. When its time to make it, you unwrap the frozen dough and roll it in raw sugar. Then slice it- the frozen dough is the perfect consistency for slicing- not too sticky or too hard. I want to make a few more batches to keep in the freezer. I brought them to console and they were a big hit. They are basic sugar cookies with 4 variations- plain, chocolate, peanut butter, and mint. You can also roll two (or more?!) kinds of doughs together to create a pinwheel shape.

And finally, here is an action shot of my lovely boyfriend helping me cook (P.S. isn't my kitchen pretty?! I love it!)

The Cooking Light project

2011-01-08T23:24:00.006-05:00

So... as I discussed a while back, I want to start a cooking project kinda like Julie and Julia.
So a couple weeks ago I went to Half Price Books (this might be a Texas only thing... they buy back used books to sell for cheap, only they're a huge chain so they have an awesome selection unlike most used book stores) and found a cookbook. This one:
It meets all the previous specifications: Not overly complicated (also has cool little side boxes where it explains a little about the science behind the recipe, some ingredient... so I can cook AND learn!). Healthy. Serving sizes range from 2 to 8, depending on the recipe. And so far, its been pretty boy friendly.

So whats the project? I'm going to cook my way through the book. By Jan 1, 2012 I want to be done with the entire book. Except... there's a section on bread machine breads. I don't have a bread machine, I don't WANT a bread machine, I cant afford a bread machine. So I will not be cooking those recipes.
Tuesday I made Mediterranean Veggie wraps (didn't take any pics though, oops!). It was good, and made a great lunch the next day too.

Tonight, my lovely dining partner (aka, my boyfriend) and I made 2 awesome dishes:
At the top of the plate is Polenta with Wild Mushroom Sauce. At the bottom are Veal Birds with Artichoke Sauce (but I used beef instead of Veal because Kroger is certainly no Publix).

The polenta was chilled, broiled, and covered with a shitake mushroom and tomato sauce. The beef was sliced thin, covered in flour, browned, and topped with an artichoke and mushroom sauce. Add a spinach salad and glass of red Zinfandel to make a delicious dinner... with plenty of leftovers for lunch on Monday!

Oh and in other exciting news.... I bought and (with the help of my visiting Mom and Dad this week) assembled my beautiful new dining room furniture. This was the first meal to be eaten on me new table. Here's a picture of the spread:

Stay tuned for more adventures in Cooking Light!

Awesome and not-so-awesome things

2010-12-24T04:31:00.003-05:00

Things that are currently awesome:
My new boots! I got these beauties in black and then also these awesome fuzzy things in brown. Then, of course, because I had new boots I needed new clothes to show them off- so I went and bought skinny jeans and some skirts. I look adorable, but also a little slutty, so its great. Sadly I can't wear my new boots to console because I have a superstition about shoes and always wear the same ones to console- the few times I tested this theory little things broke, I no longer tempt fate (as an aside, if I ever were to get a big failure on console I probably would burn everything I was wearing that day. EVERYTHING). Excitingly, I can wear my new boots to Memphis to keep my feet warm at the Liberty Bowl.
My new Thermos. My old plastic mug for drinking tea on console fell in the parking lot and broke, so I needed a new one. I went to Target where I found an awesome package on pre-Christmas clearance- a big lunchbox and hot/cold Thermosy thing for $15!!! Since I recently found out this Thermos itself is regularly $27.99, I feel pretty awesome about that. And I needed a bigger lunchbox for my 13 hour weekend shifts where I bring 2 meals and a bunch of snacks and eat my way through the whole thing (keeps me awake at least). At the two of them match each other AND my old lunch box too and are cute and purple so I feel stylin.
Season 1 of Mad Men. I rented all 4 discs to help me stay awake sleep shifting the past two nights. Unfortunately, though very good, it is a little too slow and quiet to keep me awake while exhausted and attempting to stay up all night. But it is quite good. I have disc 4 left to finish, but I'm hooked and looking forward to catching up on the rest of the seasons and maybe being a live watcher in the Fall if it comes back for a 5th. You should watch it too. It will, among other things, make you glad you don't live in 1960.
Not living in 1960. Thank god I live in 2010. For one thing- if this show is to be believed- women had it rough in 1960. They couldn't have real jobs, just secretary/typing pool/switchboard operator type crap. They only worked if they couldn't land a husband. They had to be skinny and pretty all the time- no grocery shopping in sweatpants. They drank and smoked while pregnant! And the bras were really pointy looking. In a recent episode I saw a woman discuss how terrible it would be if she served her husband frozen food! Yes, that would be quite a tragedy. Lets keep in mind that around the same time little nerds in skinny ties were sitting in the same building I am, blasting men into space. Which many people, my boyfriend included, would probably prefer to live in that time in order to see. And though it would be cool to see it, I would not have been able to take part. So, thank you, I'll stick to the time I live in. And then there's other stuff: cruise control, modern medicine, the internet, cell phones, laptops, more than 3 television channels, sexual harassment being disallowed... we have it way better. Watch mad men and see.

Things that are currently less than awesome:
It's 4am. Well, its 4am and I am awake working a boring overnight shift. I still have 3 hours til handover, and 4 til I can go to bed. I like my job, much better than housewifery or secretarying, but I also like sleep, and it is in short supply while on console.
Boyfriend is in VA. Actually not the problem, the problem is that I am not in VA. Everyone else is off on their Christmas vacation. I suppose its fair that Jews don't get a christmas vacation... but I do hate missing the fun. And I also miss, you know, my boyfriend.
White FCR. This is what they call the space shuttle mission control room. We sit in one down the hall called FCR 1. FCR stands for Flight Control Room. And yes, there are also a Blue FCR (not used anymore) and a Red FCR (where we sit for sims); no there is not a FCR 2 that I'm aware of. FCR 1 (keep up- thats our usual room) is under construction (because we sit 24/7 they do mainenance over holidays where they inconvenience the least number of people, the skeleton team needed to keep things running... how cool is it that that includes ME?!). So they moved us to White FCR. Its dark, and I have half as many computer screens, and just generally I like my usual set and change is bad and whatever.
Liberty Bowl in 7 days! This is only not awesome because its a week away. In 6 days, this will be on the awesome list.

New Project

2010-12-04T09:30:00.002-05:00

So last year, remember that movie that came out- Julie and Julia? Well, I never saw it. But I did read the book, that the movie was an adaptation of. And the idea sounds fun.

I want to have a cooking project too. This week Dan and I cooked a few times, and each time its a struggle to find a recipe from the millions of websites and cookbooks/magazines that I have at my disposal. Its such an overwhelming quantity of options available, that settling on any one is maddening.

So... I am going to buy a cookbook. And then I'm going to cook my way through it until I've tried everything. Sound great. Only one problem. What cookbook?

Thats why I need your help, dear readers. Here are the criteria I will use in weeding through the again maddening number of choices out there:

1. Not overly complicated. Julie cooked through Julia Child's The Fine Art of French Cooking... if you don't know about french cooking, its horribly complex. I don't really have time, energy, money, or motivation to learn how to sautee goat hooves or disembowel my own whole chicken or whatever other craziness is out there to learn how to do. I also will not be running all over Houston looking for ox bones or veal livers. I need run-of-the-mill methods, with things you can buy at the regular grocery down the street. Also, I don't have alot of kitchen gadgets and I don't want to have to go stock up, so I need simple prep as well as simple ingredients.
2. Healthier food. Aside from complexity, French food has one additional downside: FAT. Butter, cream, oil... I don't disagree that soaking vegetables in one or more of these ingredients makes them taste awesome, but it isnt otherwise so great unless you want to die of a heart attack at 35. So... healthier options please!
3. Not too big, not too small. Ideal recipe size would be 4 servings; enough to feed me and the boyfriend dinner, and then lunch the next day. Though I know you can always double something that is made for two, it is often alot harder to split down something that is made for 16.
4. Boy-friendly. While I love to eat all manner of fancy things, funny things, chocolatey things, fruity things... boys are different. Boys need beef and carbohydrates and... beer? Idk, exactly, but I think I'd know if it was too girly when I saw it.

Let me know if you have any suggestions, so I can get to cooking!

Letter to me...

2010-11-19T01:40:00.002-05:00

Tonight, while babysitting the space station, I will follow this example: http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-letters-to-our-younger-selves/
And write a letter to myself at half my age.

Dear 12 year old space cadet,

Man, being 12 sure is rotten, huh? Mom cooks dinner, mom does the laundry, and thanks to Cheryl you have no idea what it is like to clean a bathroom. Plus you get to go to a black tie party every weekend, and the only thing you have to do to earn it is to show up at temple Saturday morning. A few years from now you will actually voluntarily go to temple, just to go. Yeah, I don't really believe it either.

I know you are too busy freaking out about your own Bat Mitzvah, because it sure looks scary up there, what with the public speaking and all, and we know you can't sing. Well, get this: you don't sound so bad, your speech makes Daddy tear up, and you make alot of money that you will use in 12 years to buy a house. Plus you get to wear the best dress ever, and dance til you drop.

I know you think you are an outcast, that you don't have alot of friends... but the important thing is that you have good ones. Ali, she really is gonna be your best friend forever. And I know that you are wishing for boobs because you think then the boys will finally notice you... well you never get big boobs but you will finally have boys notice. And this is something you should know now and start believing, although it won't make sense for a couple years... He is not the only boy who will ever love you. Nor the one after that, nor the one after that. Just by virtue of the fact that I listed three, that would seem to indicate any of them is not the only one... don't be so hard on yourself, because you are actually awesome.

And you will have your dream job. No, sorry, aren't an astronaut yet. But you will get the job you never knew you were actually made for. And you will kick ass. So don't worry. Just have fun with your best friend, and try to relax a little.

Love and hugs,
24, and still a space cadet.

Last one...

2010-11-18T03:17:00.002-05:00

There must be 5. http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-the-5-non-negotiables/?obref=obinsite
So here it is...

5. Jumps right on the crazy train. Ok I know I'm insane. I know I act like a child, geek out over Disney World, watch ridiculous television, etc. I know it, you will know it by the time you date me for 10 minutes. But if you wanna stick around much longer, you will eventually have to throw caution and dignity to the wind and hop on that crazy train. Dan finally did it, by buying us Vinylmations in Disney world. And then by following my lead when I called them "the babies." And when you finally do hop on the crazy train, I know you're a keeper. I can't be insane all by myself forever, because thats just boring.

Non-negotiables

2010-11-17T07:37:00.004-05:00

Another week, another blog from the midnight shift. Tonight, to entertain my sleepy self, I was poking around the internet when I happened on this article...
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-10-common-non-negotiables/

Which got me thinking about my own non-negotiables...

1. Overt Displays of Affection. I like it when a boy gets a little ridiculous over me... telling me he I'm pretty, squeezing my butt randomly, holding my hand, sending me text messages 'just because.' Things like that. I could never be happy with a quiet, stoic type who just expects me to know he likes me. I wanna hear it. I don't mean gross PDA like making out in the grocery store, I just want to be part of a nauseatingly adorable couple.

2. Wants a couple babies. I could never be with someone who wanted no kids, just as I could never be with someone who wanted 10 kids. I want a nice low number... like 2, maybe 3. It's my duty to stave off Idiocracy as long as possible by procreating a little bit, which brings us to...

3. Brains. So maybe I haven't always been so good at this one, but I think what sealed the deal on this one is when Eduardo said to me "He made you dumber!" Eduardo, who has always thought a bit too much of my intelligence... if he noticed, it must be true. So from now on, smart boys only. Lets add 'Likes to read' in this same category. I don't care what, I don't care if they're romance trash with Fabio on the cover, or super boring biographies... read something, its how you stay smart and sharp once you're done with formal learning.

4. Sex. That's right, Alifaya, I said SEX. I will pause here while you get over the shock. (Mom, cover your eyes when you read this!) I know you can't have the sex life you had when you were 24 forever, that things are cyclic and you can't be in that honeymoon stage forever, but I would like a boy who a) likes to have sex and b) is good at it.

And that's really all I can think of. Plus its time for handover, which means almost time for me to go home.

Is this high school?

2010-10-16T13:30:00.005-04:00

I am so angry that I am gonna blog about it. Yup, I'm an angry blogger now.

(Greetings from Mission Control, btw... I'm here this weekend 7am to 8pm then back on Tuesday for the overnight).

I have recently gotten myself into a bit of trouble by running my mouth. Who's shocked? Because I am such a demure, quiet, lovely girl who never says mean or offensive things, so this is truly a surprise that I might ever get into any trouble for something I said. Right?

Ok, quit with the chirping crickets, I get the picture. I know. I'm blunt. I'm completely uncensored, lacking any kind of filter from brain to mouth. And to top it all off, I'm not very nice. So the unfiltered brain says alot of mean things. And here's the latest story of why I should get a filter (do they sell them on ebay?):

So it begins... years ago, really. I have known this person for over 2 years, but never really been more than a casual aquaintance. Why? Well, because he's mean. He makes meanspirited jokes about religion, appearance, sex... anything really. When I talk to him, I never know when I'm gonna be the butt of another mean joke. But I think he's not trying to be mean, he believes hes funny. I know now you are saying "Why Stephanie, would you like to be the pot or the kettle?" (kettle, thanks!) but seriously... on my most sarcastic day I couldn't be half as mean. Most of what he says while trying to be funny, I find hurtful. And I try to think "well, he doesn't mean any harm," although I can't honestly be sure whether he does mean harm or not. I hung out with him still because: 1. I like being on the softball team and 2. He's fun to hang out with, when he's not being mean. He's a total social butterfly type, and I like that, because I'm shy and without social butterflies in my life, I wouldn't do anything. Ever. Although, likely my house would be alot cleaner if I avoided all social butterflies. And I have never been one to back down from anything just because things made me feel a little uncomfortable... like socializing with strangers. Or mean jokes.

Now, however, he's Dan's roommate (well, he has been for awhile, I'm the new one here). And I love Dan and wouldn't ever want to cause trouble for him or pull any "it's me or that guy" crap, but hanging with him has also meant hanging more with his roommate. Which means more exposure to the mean jokes. It hasn't been all that delightful. But I'd like to be in it for the long haul with Dan, so I'll take whatever his roommate dishes out. But I never promised to do it quietly.

So yesterday, he's lamenting his current dating life while also discussing a date he has lined up this weekend and how hot the waitress is. Yes, its clearly looking bleak. But you know, you want sympathy I'll give you sympathy. You want to have some lighthearted banter with me, fabulous. But I'm still myself, and I'm not gonna go so far as to become a member of your pity party. Nor am I going to help you turn that poor woman's workday into sexual harassment Friday.
So when I refuse to be his "wing woman*" in the aforementioned hitting on the waitress, he gets angry at me. When things escalate, I say he objectifies women and I'm not interested in facilitating. Then he says that "loyalty is the most important thing," insinuating that I am being disloyal. By the end of the day he has dedicated a facebook status to my alleged mistreatment, and begged off the evening plans we had with some other people in order to avoid me.

*Can I discuss this wingwoman thing for a second? Because here's the point of a wing woman: Guy sees girl. Guy wants girl. Girl would probably not talk to random male stranger at bar, due to legitimate L&O:SVU-style fear of rapists. But guy is hanging out with wingwoman (WW) girl. This WW girl seems normal and inoffensive and is wearing a cute shirt/shoes/whatever girls compliment something random just to get the conversation started. And she's talking to that guy, and she's giggling at something he said, so it must be funny. And guy is relating to that WW girl in a non-creeper, not overly sexual, friendly kind of way. So, hey, he must be alright. Look, they're coming this way. Oh, she said she liked my boots so I will tell her I got them on sale and we will laugh about how awesome it is when shoes are on sale! Girls and guy will chat for awhile, then WW will need to use the restroom, of course, because girls pee alot and need to check their hair. Now girl and guy have time together. But hey, wasn't it easy getting to know each other with another girl around to make sure I don't get raped. Yeah, this is going well. Sigh. Its all a scam on some level, to lull a girl into a false sense of security so she'll take her clothes off. And does that ever, in one trillion years, sound like something I would be into? NO. Its not you who I won't be a wingwoman for, its because that just doesn't fit into my personality. If you are my friend and I have a female friend that I think would like you and you like her, then I would introduce you to each other as a mutual friend, but I am not going to be the crocodile hunter with you, stalking prey in the wild. Sorry for the aside, back to the story...

Now we meet the other half of the reason I can't say what I want around him. When he's not mercilessly teasing me for one thing or another, he is getting disproportionately offended by things I say.

So what bothers me:
1. "Loyalty" Who are you to deserve my loyalty? If you were my friend you would understand why it is that I think you are objectifying women. You would understand why it bothers me, why gender equality is important to me, why paying so much attention to appearance upsets me. You would know you were pushing all my buttons, poking at every self esteem issue I had ever had. And if you understood all that, you would deserve my loyalty and I would expect yours. As it is, you know nothing about me, and the fat feminist inside my head... and so I don't expect you to be so careful about protecting me from my issues, but I certainly don't need to put them aside to help you out.
2. You don't get to be right all the time. Its called a difference of opinion. People are allowed to have it. You don't have to be my friend. I don't care if you want to be friends only with people who will either agree with you or keep quiet about it. I don't need to be your best friend, latenight chat buddy, shopping pal, dinner date or anything. I would just like us to coexist peacefully in the same area, for the sake of my boyfriend who, G-d help him, likes us both. Which means I need you to either not ask my opinion or not get mad at me when I express it. I don't care which.
3. Grow up! Is this high school? You're going to lie to my face and talk shit about me behind my back. And post it on facebook?! When did my adult life start taking place in the 9th grade?
4. Poor Dan. I just don't want to ruin your life. I'm just trying to be me, not to start making a mess. He's your roommate and I'm prepared to endure plenty more of his crap, on your account... but don't expect me to censor myself when asked a direct question. If I'm gonna say anything, its gonna be exactly what comes out of my head, with no positive or otherwise spin applied. I never had this thing called "tact." You may have noticed?

Ugh I don't give a damn about his opinion of me, I just want things not to be awkward when I go to Dan's house tonight. Mutual agreement to coexist peacefully. Thats all. And instead I have to worry that this is gonna cause problems for me and my wonderful, sweet, amazing boyfriend.

So thats the essense of the story. I love all you friend type people who read my stuff and tell me when I'm acting ridiculous. So please, do more of that. Meanwhile I will try to learn how to "not say anything at all" when I have nothing nice to say. Or how to lie and say nice things. Ok, probably not that last one.

September Adventures

2010-10-05T01:51:00.004-04:00

So it would appear that I skipped the entire month of September. Oops. Also because I have been rambling nonstop about crazy jewish things and trying to make sense of my life, I thought perhaps I would take a day off from that (rest assured, I have another monster of a post about religion brewing, but not for tonight) and just give you the rundown of my crazy adventures.

Where to begin?... How about September 1st?

Kidding, I will not go day by day. But there were a few awesome, great, big things that happened in September.

1. I am now 24. Which my jerk boyfriend likes to remind me is "mid twenties" rather than "early twenties" so I officially became old. Had a nice little outing with coworkers, then went to bed early drunk off margaritas. And my (not really a jerk, except when hes reminding me I'm old) amazing boyfriend outdid all birthdays in memory with a bunch of really thoughtful presents and by being wonderful and awesome.

2. Debbie and Mike got married!!! Yay and congrats! Flew to Philly, rented a car like a grown up, visited cousin Jessica at UPenn, got a grand tour of the campus and some delicious falafel, then drove out to New Jersey for the main event. Beautiful weather, wonderful friends... I'm so sad its over and I feel like I may never see these people again. Sniffle. We always knew the wedding was coming and we would get together for that... but now what? Megelah you need to come visit ASAP or elses! You too Ms. Viscione! What if I told you my guest room had a king size bed? I could throw in room service! Free wireless internet!

3. High holidays. (Ok so maybe there is a brief moment of religious babbling in this post after all.) This was the first year I think that I spent both holidays at Chabad. Rosh Hashana was a nice kind of break from the world- dinner at the rabbi's the first night, all day services, dinner at another family's house the second night, more services, and lunch with yet another family. I am lucky that there are so many families that take in stray people, and fed me. Then yom kippur... such a hard day but also kinda nice. So different to go to Chabad where everyone is taking a special kind of pleasure in fasting, compared to conservative temples where everyone treats it as this torture you have to go through. Like you have no choice but to starve, but at least you are in miserable company. But thats not the point, you aren't torturing yourself, you are focusing on the needs of your soul over the needs of your body. And after, my friend's mother in law took in a few stray people... and fed me homemade bagels. Awesome!

4. So last year I gave up pork... and that has been going really well. But I don't feel so ready to give up either separation of milk and meat (mmm tacos) or shellfish (mmm shrimp). So what should I do as a New Years resolution instead? I have decided to go with candle-lighting. I won't lie, its not so easy as I had planned. First because in the weeks after Yom Kippur there were about 700 holidays. Well, ok, so Sukkot, Shemini Azeret (still not sure I even know what this holiday is for), Simchat Torah, plus Shabbats. And because I'm never home on Friday nights to light. So I have a little portable candle kit that I got once at a Chabad event, and I bought a bunch more tea lights so I can restock. Last Shabbat I lit on the cruise... then Nicole made me blow it out when we went to dinner so I didn't burn the ship down. She's right, of course, you shouldnt leave candles unattended, but then... you're not supposed to blow them out. Oh well, baby steps. So thats the plan this year... no pork, more candles.

5. Sukkot... one of my favorite holidays, since joining Chabad. We never made a big deal about it when I was a kid, and at school it always seemed kinda lame... but at Chabad they seem to take a special pleasure in it. The first night is a nice long night of eating and drinking and singing and the Sukkah is so big because so many people come and decorated so nicely. So I have, as a side resolution, decided to make a point of eating in the Sukkah at least once every year. Took Dan... its not a matter of trying to convert him (if I wanted to do that, I would go find a nice conservative temple in Houston where people are practically normal except for occasionally exclaiming in yiddish rather than throw him in the Hassidic deep end) I just like to spend time with him, and I dont want there to be this big secret place I go all the time to do big secret Jew things. And I'm really grateful and happy that he's willing to give it a shot for me because I know its scary to go there. And then as we were leaving I went and told the Rabbi's wife that he wasnt Jewish. They all kinda assumed he was because a) I was dating him and b) he was there and c) he looks more jewish than I do (says the blue eyed, pale girl). But then when I told the Rabbi's wife he was my boyfriend who worked for NASA she said "Get out! He's Jewish and he works for NASA?!" Well I couldn't lie. Then I got a little mini lecture about soulmates. I think a bigger lecture is probably coming, but I can take it. I know it bothers him that it bothers them and that I have to listen to it... but I think he should understand a little more about guilt, being catholic and all. All my life I've been hearing a lecture about something from someone. What matters is that I love him and hes wonderful and sweet and smart and adorable and takes good care of me and, to a lesser extent, that my parents like him. Also I hope that when you guys meet him, you will like him. Everyone else, doesn't get a say.

6. Operator Cruise! Over 2 years ago when we all started our group flight controller training, called boot camp, we discussed taking a cruise together when we all got certified. Back then we weren't even really friends yet, just a bunch of new young people who left home for horrible texas. Then we became good friends, hung out all the time, planned parties and trips and weekends together. Then we all got certified around March and basically stopped seeing each other. Someone is always working, someone is always sleep shifting, and so nobody was available. We had to plan 4 months in advance and request time off of work in order to even have this one week... and still I think most of us got crap for it.
But it was awesome!!! I wont get into particulars, and pictures will be up on facebook shortly for your perusal, but here are the highlights: Sunbathing! Mayan Ruins, complete with swimmin' hole! Cozumel Zip line + snorkel (no death trap scootering this time). Party in the penthouse! We won the Quest, be jealous!

7. Ok so technically this didn't happen until October but I had to add... Alabama/Florida game. Made my day. Ok, my week.

Now I have a cold while working the overnight shift- my nose is stuffy, my throat hurts, the room is spinning a bit, and I really want to go crawl into bed. However, being grateful for small wonders, I am in mission control! I just need the system to be nice to me tonight.

Whats on the agenda for this month? Cooler weather! This and one more week of overnights. Throw in a weekend shift (13 shifts in all, punishment for taking vacation I guess). And at the end of the month a trip to Orlando with Dan... UCF football, fun with the fam, and maybe, hopefully, fingers/toes/eyes crossed, a shuttle launch.

To be a Jewish Woman. And a rundown of my life.

2010-08-23T17:59:00.010-04:00

Excitement! Everything has been going awesome. I am quite lucky! What has been happening? Well, I will tell you.

1. Went to one of boyfriend's friend's wedding in upstate NY. Its so pretty, and the weather was awesome, and it was in a barn. And his friends are awesome and adorable and really nice and I had a great time. Also, travelling not alone is pretty nice too. Actually getting to the airport and having someone to talk to while waiting for the plane or on the plane... and nice when the person sitting next to you and kinda hogging your space is someone you like and not a weird, stinky stranger. I could go on alot longer about that whole thing but I wont, because this is already going to be a contender for longest post ever. So lets just say... amazing, wonderful, very happy.

2. Josh goes to UCF! Helped him move into Tower 4 on Friday. Very excited for my little bro to be at my school. Excited that I can still go back for football games and tailgate with the fam, excited that I will get another duck from yet another spirit splash to add to my collection. Feels like I did something kinda right, starting the Golden Knight legacy.

3. Debbie is getting married! I know, what took her so long, right? Had a wonderful weekend in Orlando celebrating her bachelorette party- Clubbing, laying by the pool, eating an obscene amount, more clubbing, and ending it off with a lovely brunch and a trip back to UCF- the place that started it all. Plus, thanks to Meg's brilliant enstatement of a 1 to 1 rule (1 alcohol, 1 water), nobody puked-- success!!! I can't wait to go see everyone again in 2 weeks for the big event! I'm also excited about the whole grown-up experience- flying to Philly, renting a car, staying in a hotel... things I dont usually do.

4. House... is still a work in progress. Today I got some blinds installed... they are pretty! But my cable is out... so comcast is coming to try to fix that tomorrow. We will see if they can. Stupid comcast. Also need mass amounts more time for unpacking, organizing, furniture shopping, grout sealing, and decorating. And cleaning. And mowing the lawn. Alot of work and I'm too busy to do it all. I have my priorities, and the mop is low on that list.

Ok so thats the rundown of whats going on in my life. Now we get down to the existential musings, as usual. And its gonna be extremely long this time.

I have been reading a book. Its called "The Modern Jewish Girls Guide to Guilt." Wait, lets back up. I have developed a new habit... the bookstore near my new house has a fairly decent sized Jewish books section. So my habit is to go there every now and then and buy a book... or a few. I am trying to get a little perspective on my concerns- about going to temple (or not), about keeping kosher (or not..or to what degree), about being on the "wrong" side of the mechitzah (aka the women's side), about driving on shabbat, about what I understand about the laws and what I dont.
The non-Jews (and less religious actual Jews) in my life enjoy quizzing me about this. Like "whats the point of separating milk and meat?" or "why do you become an adult at 13?" And then when I explain my rudimentary, beginner-who-took-some-classes-15-years-ago-and-didnt-really-care-then version of the rules, nobody seems very happy. Because, like all Jews, I know of these rules, and decide which ones to follow- but it isnt because we know the ins and outs of the rules and decide which ones we personally want to believe... its because we just pick the convenient ones. Sometimes the ones we do pick make even less sense than the ones we don't pick. Like how fasting for 26 hours, "not even water?" sounds insane to the rest of the world, and is pretty much the only thing most of us grab bag Jews do. Whereas not eating shellfish, sounds like an acceptable rule to everyone, but nobody really does that because, lets face it, shrimps are tasty. And then we argue about whether pigs are unclean because they roll around in poop or whether it makes sense to walk to temple rather than drive because, after all, isnt walking alot more "work" in this Texas/Florida heat or wherever you are with its 6 feet of snow?

Anyways, it would be nice to learn more, so I do. I have been, for 2 years now, chasing knowledge, understanding... justification for why the rules are the rules. For my inquisitive non-Jews, and my inquisitive secular Jews... and for myself.

So this book... well I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for answers. Answers to moral issues like: can you be a feminist and a Chabadnik at the same time? Can you marry a non jew without ruining everything? Why, really, is it my job to rebuild the Jews post holocaust anyways, when my rabbi and his wife (preggers with child number 11) are doing a far better job than I ever could? And they keep kosher.
Unsurprisingly, the book contained no real answers. But... it did offer something I wasn't really expecting... kinship. As it turns out, I am not the only little Jewish girl in the world struggling with that same crap. The book is a collection of essays by Jewish, female authors who discuss all manner of guilt trips that one poor Jewish girl encounters, struggles with, and attempts to survive.
To start it off, the Editor's preface was me. Completely, totally, perfectly describing my issues. We are trapped in the middle of everyone's expectations for us. The feminist movement of the 70s, which says to hell with men, women are not baby machines, we will not be held back by the trappings of biology. The modern feminist movement which says, to hell with that, we can be mothers and career women and apparently can also find time to sleep (this last part is most certainly untrue... something's gotta give). Or maybe it says, I'll sleep when I'm dead, I must be wonderwoman now.
And then there's the expectations of the Orthodox movement, which will never join us in the post-feminist 21st century world. There, women are always mothers, baby machines, the heart and soul of a home, the nurturers, the homemakers... and as such are tethered to the home and expected to toil in the kitchen (for keeping kosher is not easy) and fuss over the babies (for raising 11 is no small job). For a long time I thought that this was sexist, anti-feminist, but this is not true. It simply exists in a world that has no need for the feminist movement... in this world, women simply are the homemakers, they are the keepers of Judaism, the ones that pass the laws of keeping kosher, of modesty and family purity, and of observing the holidays, and of everything else that religion entails on to the next generation. Women and men are both bound by their biology... a man must go out of the home, he must pray in a group of 10, he must work to feed the wife and umpteen children, just as the woman must stay home, must put the needs of the umpteen children over her own spiritual desire to pray and in so doing, serve her spirit and the greater good. In all honesty, it sounds like a perfectly delightful, satisfying life. But it is not the life that was laid out for me. I was told I was an equal and as such should be treated equally. I was told I had a right and a responsibility to do as much, educationally and professionally, as I could, and as such was programmed to believe that to do less would be demeaning. In essence I was never given a chance to live in a world where men and women are fundamentally, biologically, mentally, and spiritually meant for different things. Much like a Rabbi's daughter was brought up to believe that to be the same as a man would be to deny her true self, I was brought up to believe that to be different from a man would be to subvert my own.
All of this feeds into a more universal- from reform "High-Holiday Jews" (the same as your Christmas/Easter christians) to the most religious- Jewish expectation for women. To perpetuate the race... if it even is a race. It certainly is not only a religion, due to the preservation of the bloodlines for thousands of years such that a jew today can trace their DNA back to a specific tribe that wandered the desert, and such that the mitochondrial DNA can identify one a jew, should they have never heard a word of hebrew. Mitochondial DNA... that is the essence of Judaism's expectations for its women. Mitochondrial DNA is passed from mother to child, mother to child, down through the centuries such that, should one's maternal great great grandmother had been jewish, that would still be in your mitochondria today. And Judaism, like mitochondrial DNA, is passed by the mother. All you need to be born a Jew is a jewish mother. Even if your father was a turkey baster. Or Michael Jackson. Or Hitler.
Sure you can convert, and this has, I imagine, screwed up some of that mitochondrial DNA, but there it is... my mother gave me 2 things: her mitochondrial DNA, and her Judaism. But those 2 things did not make me a Jew... because religion is something you have to practice. And in order to practice, you need to be taught... you need your mother, pillar of the home, center of the family, spiritual anchor, to teach you how to braid a Challah and light a Shabbat candle and wear ankle length skirts, and visit a mikvah. My mother, as you probably have already figured out, did not really train me to do any of those things. She taught me to be a man's equal (and then my father told me I shouldnt limit myself to just being his equal), she taught me to like physics, and love space and to kinda be a jew on the side, where it fit in. I suppose by falling in with Chabad I am trying to take back a choice that was made a long time ago, by not even my parents or my grandparents, but by my great (or great great) Polish immigrant grandparents who just wanted to fit in. Well, congrats, great great grandpa, we certainly do fit in! But at what cost?
And then, because no Jewish story would be complete without this spectre hanging over us, there is also the Holocaust expectations. The make Jewish babies until you pay back every one they killed. Then make one more so that you increase our number rather than make it a zero sum equation. This is the giant, epic guilt that faces every Jew, every day. The rationale that I owe it to those who weren't allowed to be Jewish or who were slaughtered simply because they were Jewish... those who questioned rabbis, in concentration camps, whether they should be allowed to eat their rationed slice of bread on passover. Yeah, you think about that next time you only make it through 3 days before hitting the chicken nuggets. Starving people, who were fed not quite enough to survive, who became walking skeletons, and who were freezing to death besides, would have not eaten bread because it was forbidden on passover. Someone owes these people a little respect. Someone owes them to keep doing what they died attempting to do. And, of course, that someone is every single Jewish woman in the entire world, present and future.

So thats the Jewish woman guilt. And the expectations of multiple societies that we struggle with every day. Be jewish-ish? Be extra Jewish? Make Jewish babies? Make Jewish babies until you undo 6 million deaths? Be secular? Fit in? Have a career? Be equal? Be different but of equal standing? Be anything that you want? Be what you were born to be (and by who's definition)? It is impossible to be them all. My job will not permit perfect Judaism. Ask me why at 11:45pm on Friday when I am driving home from work. Ask me why next month when I get to work at 7am on Saturday. And perfect Judaism will not permit my job. Ask the woman with 11 children, who feeds the stray Jews of the community at a 30 person Shabbat dinner every week, when she would have time to control the International Space Station.

It makes every day a struggle... who wants you to be what? And who do you listen to? Well you would say the simple answer is to be who you want. I would laugh at you, if it weren't so serious. Because what you want to be is not just a matter of you, waking up and deciding this is your life... it is an attitude you were raised with, that was handed down from your mother, just like your mitochondrial DNA. I want to be an astronaut. I want to love my boyfriend, who is sweet and adorable and nerdy and so wonderful and who makes me ridiculously, sometimes unbearably happy. But alternate reality me probably would not want those things... alternate reality me, the Chabad rabbi's daughter, would want to grow up to be a rabbi's wife, just like my alternate reality mother. She would never have shaken hands with, let alone had sex with, a nice non jewish boy, no matter how wonderful he was. But all that is really beside the point, because she would never have met him because she wouldn't be an engineer. She wouldn't work for NASA or control the International Space Station or even dream of working on Friday nights after sundown. She, at 23, would probably be betrothed, if not married to some nice Yeshiva student in Brooklyn. Her life would not be emptier- in fact, in many ways it would be fuller than mine- and she would not really know any better. Like actual reality me, she might meet someone who was leading her alternate reality life and wonder what that might have been like, and she might wonder if it was better, or at least more free, if she might have been happier. But in the end she, like me, would conclude that she was leading the life she wanted because it was the life she was raised to want, and that she will keep on playing that part.

Of course all that says nothing about the intricacies of my life, which alternate reality me does not have. Because between her and I are various levels of jew-ish. Like, the level of Jewish my grandparents want- go to temple on the high holidays, marry a nice jewish boy, have nice similarly leveled jewish children, but don't do anything more. They are just as displeased that I choose to go to Chabad, wear long sleeves in July, sit on the womens side, as they would be if I married a non-jew and had mitochondrially Jewish but maybe not actually Jewish children. Or the level of Jewish my dad wants- he who thinks that rice and beer are fine on passover, that this "no pork" thing is stupid, that orthodox jews treat women as second class citizens. And then theres the constantly evolving level of Jewish I am... like maybe this pork thing was a silly idea, or maybe I will pick a new kosher thing to do and then be a step closer to being less Jew-ish and more Jewish.

Bottom line things are these:
1. There's too much pressure to be everything to everybody.
2. Nobody actually wants anything in a vacuum, there are always factors.
3. I have made a decision... I WILL do what I want. Which is this: date Dan. Maybe, hopefully, wishfully marry Dan. I will raise good, intelligent children to be just as messed up as I am but maybe not quite as Jewish. I will go to Chabad and not eat pork for as long as it damn well suits me to do so. I will believe that sitting on the womens side does not make me less of an equal to men in my secular life, nor does it actually devalue me in my spiritual life. And I will not, no matter who I marry, actually undo any of the multitude of wrongs perpetrated during the holocaust. I cannot singlehandedly, nor as a group of put-upon Jewish women, make up for the evil in the world and I refuse to believe that it is my duty to even try.

I'm back!

2010-07-13T04:05:00.010-04:00

Its been long enough, don't you think?
Well I do. And I miss writing. So much. To put words down and think that someone, somewhere, might read them. That they might matter to the world even for just a moment.

Why am I writing at 3am? Not the usual reason, which is that I used to write when I couldn't sleep, while having mental breakdowns in the middle of the night and sat sobbing in the dark while roommates, family, friends were sleeping around me. Nope, this is a better reason! I am in Mission Control for the International Space Station. We staff 24/7, and tonight it is my turn to babysit the billion dollar government vehicle in the middle of the night.

Since the last time I wrote, I got certified. Which means I earned the right to sit here at 3am. Since the last time I wrote, I got my heart broken. And with the help of friends, family, and time, I managed to survive. Since the last time I wrote, I started dating a new boy. And bought a house. My little sister graduated from college and got a job in Georgia. My little brother started at UCF.

I sit here, exhausted, at the edge of consciousness, waiting for things to go wrong, praying they all stay right. I have 4 more hours til handover, 5 more til I can go to bed. My american express bill was over $5,000, higher than I think it has ever been. My maintenance required light in my car has been on for a month. I have bugs, no curtains, and need to vacuum. PVTCS 1B is gonna undertemp on me one of these days, thats what the beeping in my ear is trying to tell me.

Also, I am happy. The kind of happy that you usually want to punch people for. Sometimes I just walk around with a stupid cheesy smile pasted on my face. I can't really explain it, and I'm not sure there's any good reason for it. I mean work is good... but theres still alot of bureaucratic crap not to mention me being here at 3:30 in the morning and sleep deprived. And the house is awesome... but also turning into a bit of a money pit. Plus, did I mention the bugs? Oh and I have yet to mention that I mowed on Saturday and am now sore (I have triceps... I know this because I feel them), mosquito bitten, blistered, and not the least bit interested in ever doing that again. And the boyfriend... well, I will get to that in a second. But all these things, while lovely, are not any more perfect than things ever have been. Plus I live in Houston, bottom 5 of great cities in the world, plus approximately 9,000 degrees in July. Most things are about as imperfect as things are. But still, I feel... happy.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, you are saying. Fine.

So lets talk about the boyfriend. Pros: He's nice. Funny. Kinda cute, in a nerdy sort of way. Puts up with a fair amount of my craziness. Likes my hair short. Is restoring an old beetle in his garage (this impresses me greatly). Has an entire bookshelf full of dorky sci fi books. He works for USA, like me... and he's smart.
[Aside: You may not know, because I pretended like it didn't matter, but I always worried that if ex (from now on we will not use his name) and I had kids they would be dumb. Not like "average intelligence but dumber than me" dumb... like, actual dumb. Like 'I need my mommy to do my homework' dumb or... functionally illiterate dumb. And lets face it. The world needs no more dumb people. The world needs smart people. The world needs smart people to breed more smart people. If I had procreated with ex, I think I would have given up my right to complain about dumb people the way people who don't vote give up their right to complain about who is elected. On the other hand, now he is free to go off and breed with his tramp, or other dumb girl of his choosing... probably will overpower any good I could do for the gene pool.]

Anyways, if you could not tell, I have totally fallen for this guy. But I am attempting to proceed with caution. I want to be good at what I do, I want to be completely in love with this job, I want to be smart, I want to be a writer even if it is just a blog. I want to make sarcastic jokes and talk excitedly in acronyms nobody can follow. I want to take pride in all the things I don't need a husband for... I mowed my own lawn damnit! I want to spend hours on the phone with my bestest buddy Alifaya talking about nothing in particular. I want to go places and do things because I want to do them. I want to do sit-ups just because I can and not because they'll make me look better naked. When I was younger and less together I forgot how important that stuff was. And I don't want to do that again.

We'll save the Jew/nonJew conversation for another post. For now, just know that somehow I am in this glorious moment-in-the-sun kind of place in my life and, though I doubt it can last forever, things are pretty awesome. Now only an hour and a half til handover... must. stay. awake.

Bacon

2009-11-20T21:51:00.003-05:00

Why is this post titled Bacon? Well because I have given up bacon. And pork. I don't really miss bacon... I mean its good but I never eat bacon. I eat... bacon cheeseburgers, or bacon chicken wraps. So now I just eat cheeseburgers and chicken wraps. It doesn't seem to matter. What do I miss? Sausage. And pepperoni. In fact I think I need to make a special exception for pepperoni. It was kinda a knee jerk reaction after Yom Kippur. I got a good dose of jewish guilt that day and then decided I should stop my evil pork eating ways. Which sounded easy when you talk about bacon. But harder when you talk about sausage.

Work... what to say about work. Well they decided that two of every class would go first into the breach (aka sim flow). So me and Mark were picked for Spartan (as the best two, because we are) and we participated last two weeks in eval sims for the different disciplines. These were the toughest, craziest, power failure heaviest sims we have ever had. And they were really really fun. I got a good eval too, including one outstanding. So yeah work is going well. The week after thanksgiving, we have another sim... our last of the year. And then in January we start generic sims... 5 of those then we are certified (or at least thats the plan). I really cant wait to be certified. All these months of hard work finally paying off. And I know its alot of off normal hours (nights, weekends) and many many months of boredom but every so often theres a few moments of terror. Just 2 weeks ago they had a major on orbit failure at midnight. Thats gonna be our shift. Which means I could be the one that gets the major failure next time. And I think, if that happens, I would be ready for it. Because we had basically the same failure in the last sim. And it went well.
Then its on to specialist training, specialist sims, specialist cert. And then instructor. And along the way procedures, and I actually enjoy writing procedures. And other paperwork of varying levels of interest. But I go to sleep every night knowing that because of something I did today, people will continue to live and work safely in space. And thats... more than I ever hoped for. People. In space. And I get to be a part of it.

Next week is thanksgiving and I'm going to New York with Rami's family. Well, meeting them there. As long as its not snowing in Baltimore. I got a new wintery coat for... I dont know.. winter? And I finally finally got a fleecy vest. I always want them and I never get one cuz its hot. But this year I'm going to new york and then back to manchester and then also probably to Colorado with some coworkers in Feb and it also gets a little cold in Texas from time to time. Plus it was only like 11$ at the crazy old navy sale. So I finally have one.

Oh and I was watching Say Yes to the Dress and thinking about weddings and stuff. How crazy is it that people spend 4,000... 6,000... 10,000 dollars on a wedding dress. I hope to get mine from the Davids bridal $99 dollar sale. Or just some Dillards prom dress that happens to be white-ish. Yeah all that sounds better than spending 6,000 on a custom fitted designer gown. Oh and another thing... dont do beading above the waist. It will rub your arms raw. My mom had a beautiful beaded dress that I borrowed once for some formal party and though it looked wonderful and fancy... my arms were all red and splotchy and hurt like nothing else the next day. But then, I don't tolerate beauty pain very well. And also, I notice that none of these dresses have sleeves or even straps. Does everyone wear a shrug for their church wedding? Or does nobody even have church weddings anymore?

Anyways, thats whats on my mind today. :-) Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Catching up

2009-09-18T15:01:00.002-04:00

Hanging out at Hobby airport but cant post it because no internet. Well yes internet, but I am not paying $7.95 for a day's worth of internet when I will only be here for a half hour. Lame.

Anyways I realize that I haven't posted in a really long time. Things are going awesome here.
1. Sims...
I wrote after the first sim... since then I have done sims numbered 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 14. Haha they started rearranging due to some technical difficulties. Sadly that pushes out certification date out til February. Happily (for me, not the people who WILL be working those days) that means I will not have to work Christmas or Thanksgiving this year. But anyways, so the minisims have been really cool. I haven't always done great (7 was particularly not so pretty) and then 14 was emergency day. We have 3 types of emergencies, designated for their danger to the crew. Things that just hurt the vehicle are called warnings and are serious, but not nearly as serious as an emergency. As I learned in this sim, things move really fast in an emergency. The crew has a memorized response to safe themselves with the lifeboat (Soyuz). Its so different than failures in my system (although these CAN BE failures in my system... more on that later). When the power system or external thermal control system fails that OUTSIDE, 99% of the time. And being outside, we can send all those commands from the ground. We dont need the crew's help. But with emergencies, you have to have the crew's help. So ok the three emergencies are: Fire, Rapid Depress, and Toxic Atmosphere. Fire is in fact a failure in my system... theres no matches or cigarettes so the fires are most likely to be electrical fires. And I provide the electricity. So if something trips (like the circuit breaker in your house would) you send the crew to smell for smoke, unless the life support people find the smoke first (according to one of my instructors, you should always beat the life support person to the fire...I did not, better luck next time!) So then you have to work with this giant confusing table of fire ports to direct the crew to take CO2 readings and see if theres a fire. Fire is scary... for me. But we got through it ok.
Rapid depress... eh I dont really care too much. Thats at least not my system. But imagine you are in a giant space bubble and suddenly it gets a hole in it. Scary, yes? So the crew first leak checks their Soyuz cuz if thats leaking its bad bad bad news. Then they proceed to try and close hatches until they find the module with the hole and isolate it. And depending on how big it is, maybe you patch it, or maybe you lose that module... and any others forward of it.
Toxic atmosphere... there are various levels. But the worst in when ammonia from the ETCS breaks through the heat exchanger and gets into the cabin. 100% pure ammonia at 2000kPa going into water at a much much much lower pressure. And as you probably know, even a tiny bit of ammonia can give you physical symptoms... and a little bit more (200 ppm if you ask NASA) can kill you. So ammonia is bad. And again, kinda my fault. Not much you can do about that though, once the ammonia's in its pretty hard to get it out.
So the end result of emergency day is hopefully your crew is alive. Probably your space station is not happy. Maybe your crew is going home. Its kinda a depressing day. Thankfully they have never had an emergency on board but you train and train and train because 6 or more lives depend on how you perform if ever there is an emergency.

Ok, next subject... 2. Austin!!!
Fact: Austin is way better than Dallas.
Austin is a really cool crazy city with lots of stuff going on. And its surprisingly driveable- unlike stupid Houston. Things Meg and I did in Austin: Went for tex mex and had the creepiest waiter and terrible "guacamole," toured a winery, shopped downtown, got chocolate truffles, ate a fantastic dinner, saw a bunch of crazed Texas fans in burnt orange, got really drunk (repeatedly, actually), stayed in a fancy hotel, went to a fabulous brunch, fed the peacocks and their babies, saw 150 year old homes that people still use!!, went to a huge antique mall in a barn, and then sadly, I went home. But I saw baby cows along the way.
(Continued from the Orlando airport... yay free internet here!)
Things we did not do in Austin: get pulled over, fear for our lives at some sketch parking lot, freeze to death, almost get my car towed. It was generally awesome. So far, Austin is my favorite town in Texas. Fuck Dallas. And btw, I LOVE YOU MEG!

3. Nostalgia. To get there I had to take I-10 west out of the city. The same stretch that Ali, Gregg, and I drove back in the day when we went to Santa Fe. Again the traffic, is the overwhelming thing I remember. And I put on the CD he made for the trip, for old times sake. Just made me think about the old days and think about where we are now... did we ever think, back then, that things would end up this way? Could we ever have known? I certainly never planned to be living in Texas, never planned to be working for NASA (hoped, yes), never expected to stick myself in the same kind of long distance relationship that they hadn't at that time even started. Never expected any of this. But you know what they say about God laughing while we make plans.

4. Other stuff: Before that was Labor day weekend in Orlando. And before that my 23 birthday making me officially old. I am starting to like life a little better in Houston... I went to ikea and bought some new plates for my new apartment. And I've started cooking from this awesome little cooking magazine my mom started sending me. Now that its getting cooler again I dont loathe leaving the house (until next summer.. the summers are truly brutal) and hopefully my electricity bill will calm itself down. And work is getting cooler by the second. I am not always amazing in those sims, but I enjoy it and I have fun and I can tell I'm getting better as time goes on... I don't need to be perfect today, just better than yesterday and have I mentioned, its really freaking fun.

5. In summary... So thats my story. I'm off to Fort Lauderdale for Rosh Hashana with the family. Should be fun even if they are a little crazy. :-)

First Sim!!

2009-06-09T22:30:00.002-04:00

So today I had my first run in the simulator. We were supposed to have our own special operator simulator but it is delayed so we are doing them in the full up real people simulator. It is a realistic mockup of the actual mission control center that people have been doing their full scale sims in for years.
Its so exciting, the computers, the comm system, the big board... everything is so real.
And so there I was running my wonderful nominal timeline when I get a biiig warning on the board. One that means if I dont act, I will lose my power channel. Unfortunately, there wasnt margin available to do a loads transfer the normal way. So there I am doing a complete power down. Not fair... ETHOS gets a fan overspeed, ADCO gets a clearing steering problem, CRONUS gets a measly TDRS realign. And I get a giant, honking, bright red, angry, power channel killing WARNING!
Soooo.... yeah but I had a good time. When I was in there I was juttery and needed to take a deep breath and then explain myself to the flight director and work my procedures. Happy to say that my biggest fear (command error) didn't happen. I minded my LOS periods (when the station isnt in satelite communication so we cant command to it or get telemetry). And even though its a scary procedure with some pitfalls, I still made it through ok.
And so I am quite proud of myself. I mean sure I wasnt perfect. My console logs are crap. My calls to the flight director need some work. But... I'm working on it. And now I know better what to work on.
Anyways, I'm pretty happy. Now I'm having a glass of wine and watching some tv then off to bed. YAY flight control. My job rocks alot!

Insanity...

2009-06-01T18:52:00.002-04:00

So for the past like 3 months I've been having a crazy crazy life. First, March and April: Weekend 2 of March Rami here for his spring break, me in both Ft. Lauderdale and Orlando for my spring "break" a week later, then Dallas to visit Meg, then back to Orlando for a pre-passover celebration, then back to Fort Lauderdale for something with Rami's fam, then finally finally a weekend at home to sleep and do laundry.

Dallas- Was awesome! And also not awesome! First of all, drove 5 hours to get there. Took me like 2 of those hours fighting Houston rush hour traffic... twice. First the space center traffic into the city, then the city traffic to the suburb north of the city. But it was so so awesome to see Meg. And her aunt who we stayed with was so sweet and welcoming and it was awesome. BUT... fuck dallas. Don't even remember all the ridiculous reasons why Dallas sucks since it was a long time ago and alot of shit has happened since but the basics are: poor Meg (literally and figuratively, heh) got a ticket for turning right on red which you're apparently not allowed to do in Dallas. Then my insurance had expired like a week before (oops) and he threatened to impound my car... another stupid dallas law. STUPID. Meg and I decided we dont wanna go back to that evil, horrible place. STUPID.

Before I left for Orlando the weekend before Passover, I told the office at my apartment about the big crack in the bathtub. Again. This time they finally did something, which was to schedule people for that monday morning to come to my apartment and resurface the tub. I was told not to come home for 8 hours because of the fumes and I didnt. They resurfaced the tub but then the whole apartment smelled and it was sticky for days afterwards. And, a few days later it started to crack again. Whatever.

Also, when I paid March's rent, I hadn't yet recieved my water bill (water is submetered so I got a bill for somewhere between 5 and 10$ every month) so I paid $15 extra, figuring that it would definitely cover my water bill and then since I was gonna be away alot, I wouldn't have to worry. With that check for rent + water I included a note nobody bothered to read saying I hadn't gotten my bill so was adding $15 so it would certainly be enough. Then I got my water bill and it was for $4 so I KNOW that I had overpaid. I went into the office to mention that and the guy there said it would be fine and would carry over to next month. Next month I got a water bill of $7 so again I knew I would have money roll over. However when I got back from Fort Lauderdale after that last weekend I had a note in my door saying I owed $7. $7.70 to be exact. I called the office and explained and they said they would take care of it. Then I called back the next day and they hadn't fixed it but were like oh well you need to bring us a copy of the bills so we can see that it really was covered. So I did. And I even checked again after I dropped that in the night box that they were dealing with it. Well when I returned from a bar with coworkers on the following Friday night, my first weekend home in a looong time, I had ANOTHER note. This one threatened to bring court proceedings to evict me. Over $7.70. THAT I DIDNT EVEN OWE. Well being freaked out by this evil letter I went into the office the next day (a saturday, so of course the manager wasnt there) and got them to give me written notice that i didn't owe money. Their excuse was that they sent the note before they actually fixed it. Which was 5 days after I told them they were wrong, and 3 after I gave them the proof in the night drop. Stupid.
Plus, in the middle of all this I also got a letter saying my lease was up and I needed to either sign a new lease or give notice to leave. Well between the unhelpful morons in the office and the again cracking tub, I wasn't sure I wanted to renew but I also didn't feel like moving. Its alot of work, alot of money, and besides, where would I go? Another apartment complex where the same thing would happen all over again.
Well, then, my decision was made for me. The following week I was working late hours studying for a big work test on all software functions and software protections in my entire system, a huuuge amount of material. Wednesday I returned home from work about 6:30 and I inserted my key into my door. The lock was kinda sticky so I could tell from how easily the key turned that the door was unlocked. This is it, I figured, someone from the apartment complex is in here waiting to tell me I'm evicted because those morons still don't realize I already paid them. So I opened the door (maybe not the smartest thing but I really thought it was those idiots). This is when I saw that my laptop (normally on the couch) was gone. Turning my head, I could see the door frame wood was split top to bottom. Someone had broken open my door!!!
Freaking out, I ran back to my car, got in, locked the door and call the cops. And Rami. And my mom. And finally (probably not that long after) the cop came. They cleared the apartment, dusted for fingerprints, and took my statement. I found out from the apartment repairman that someone else in the apartment complex was broken into. The total taken: My laptop, my big pretty tv, my gun (broken out of the safe I kept it in, in the drawer I hid that in), and my laptop case (presumably for carrying the laptop). And my ability to sleep for a really long time.
From the way only certain things were missing and nothing else appeared touched. I wondered if it was the tub repairman. I had just come back from a weekend away, I hadn't hidden my laptop... and how exactly would you hide a 32 inch television? And the gun was always hidden. They certainly could have seen the laptop and TV and opened a few drawers until they found the safe. Then knowing that I worked all day and the apartment was unattended, they could have planned to come back for those few things only 3 weeks later. I will never know. And my stuff will never be found. Its gone now.

After dealing with the police, I threw some clothes in a suitcase and left. Katie took me in for a few nights and I got a guy I know from work to go back to the apartment with me the next night so I could sort through some things (and in my haste to get out, I had forgotten underwear the night before)... I was afraid to return alone. Weirdly, this has given me a more intense fear of the dark even though the robbery happened in broad daylight.
My mom came that sunday (she was busy saturday night) and I took off work on Monday to go hunting for a new place to live. I found that place and 5 days later, on the first of the month, I signed the lease. That night was the last I slept in my old apartment, save once. I didn't have time to book movers that quickly so I bought an air mattress and I moved over all my work clothes, some other clothes, my little bedroom tv (19 in rear projection.... lame!), my tivo, and some dishes, food and stuff that weekend. I lived here like a squatter for a while.

The weekend after that I went back to Ft Lauderdale for Rami's bar removal surgery. That was a terrible, awful experience. Poor kid was in surgery for hours, and then in such pain they had to keep him on morphine overnight (so he had to stay) and... I guess I know I really love him now because I couldn't really eat or sleep, thinking about him in the hospital. Ugh... awful. And with all that, I couldn't get it together to move the following weekend, so I used that to empty all my drawers and pack everything up in boxes. Also, I got an alarm system installed. A real, monitored one so I would be able to sleep at night and not worry during the day. It helps, but I wouldn't say I'm worry free.
Then hired movers for the following weekend to move my big furniture (CR-V is wonderful, but not that big), took Friday morning off to do the move then headed to work for a class in the afternoon. Rami came that thursday night so he was with me to meet the movers. We did actually stay in the old apartment that night cuz the movers were coming early that morning and I was glad I had him with me cuz that place still freaks me out. Then my parents came in Friday night and we had a good weekend. They helped me finish moving out the last little bit, and my dad and rami put light kits on the fans (how weird that they were just fans without built in lights) and a blackout pull down window shade in the bedroom. Mom helped me too, setting up the home entertainment system with my new TV and some cool cabinet stuff for my kitchen.
That weekend we also went to Astros game, Melting pot for dinner, and I took them on a JSC tour which was all awesome.
This weekend, I went and bought a little DIY bookcase to keep my printer and some other stuff on. It looks real cute in my living room. And I checked out of the old place for good. Whatever they decide to charge me for (like the fingerprint dust that would never come off), at least I don't have to live there again. I still have a bunch of boxes to unpack but its feeling like home a little more every day. So far the management seems alot more useful and reasonable. The gate broke and was fixed a couple days later. Unlike at the old place where the gate broke and was never fixed. So I guess its turning out to be a good choice.

And thats my story. Crazy life, isn't it?

The evil V-day... or is it?

2009-02-16T21:49:00.002-05:00

I dunno. I started by feeling like it was stupid to care, that I was being a dumb girl cuz I wanted a Valentines dayt, but then I wonder whats so bad about dedicating a day to celebrating love? Why do people hate it so much?...

1. Its super commercialized. True. But you can celebrate valentines day without giving in to the whitmans sampler, 2 dozen roses, heart shaped jewelry, pink stuffed animals, and even pricey dinners, if you want. Although, lets be serious, nothing wrong with chocolate, flowers, pluffies, or yummy food. But you could just turn off the cell phone, make a dinner at home, and spend a little time together. And ok so it has turned into a hallmark holiday, where whatever company sells merchandise and tries to make a buck. But what holiday hasn't? Christmas. Easter (ahem, egg-laying bunny, I'm talking to you). Even Channukah has gotten dragged into the shuffle. St. Patricks Day (apparently you dont need to be Irish to drink green beer). Admit it, we make up holidays because its fun to celebrate. So why not celebrate love?

2. "You shouldn't need a stupid holiday to show the person you love that you care." Sorry, but this is such a lame cop out. Of course, its true. But has that ever been said by someone who would then take the opportunity to turn April 20th or August 3rd into a romantic night just because? Or who would pick up flowers on the way home from work cuz they just felt like it? No, because those people don't have a problem with also doing that on Feb 14th. The people who do say it are those that would rather not ever put forth the effort to show their love that they care. So ok, if you are going to eschew Valentines day because its what everyone else is doing (you rebel! whatever) then you better pick another night and make it special, just because.

3. It makes single people feel bad. Totally am a perpetrator of using this hateful excuse. And yeah, sometimes when it seems like everyone but you has a lover, you are the only one alone on Feb 14th trying to convince yourself you don't need a man to be happy. But most days dont you feel like that? And you have friends, maybe youre not in love with them but you do love them, so go celebrate that. Buy each other little presents, share a little candy, go out to dinner. Or stay in, get things done, watch some movies on TV, avoid all those shmoopy happy couples. Or do what I did, bring your boss cupcakes. And realize that when you do meet someone and you see the other side, its not about you and your singleness vs. others and their coupleness. Its about being around the people you love.

4. Theres too much pressure. Is there though? Ok so guys, youre usually the ones complaining about the pressure, but this can go for girls too. She wants you to remember her birthday, your anniversary. Does every jewelry, candy, and card company join forces to put big red, heartshaped commercials in your face and remind you to buy her a present? No. But on valentines day, they do. So you can't forget- turn on a TV, drive past a billboard... and now you know. Valentines day is coming. So buy a card and a teddy bear and get it right. The pressure comes when its all up to you to remember when her birthday is and buy her a big present that says "I'm happy you're alive" not when the whole world conspires to remind you to buy a box of chocolate and for $8 youre getting all the brownie points. Complain about something thats actually a problem.

Commercial society tries to tell us we should be all into the lovebug, so alternative, I'm too cool society decides that we should buck tradition and pretend that its just another day. That we dont need the pressure and the expense and the forced night of romance. And being a rebel is just so cool, in a 1990's sort of way. But why not? Why not take advantage of the night and let love in? I tried to tell myself it was a fake holiday, but I really think its nice. Make a night special. Why not that night? Go on, you tell me. Give me a good reason to skip this ritual night of happy coupling and I'll let you win.

Best Week Ever!

2008-12-11T20:07:00.006-05:00

So alot of coolness this week. Yesterday's high was 35 degrees which ended with... SNOWING. At 9ish I went out on my balcony and caught some flurried. Then when I woke up the next morning...
The grass outside my apt looked like this:

And my car looked like this:

And then, to top it all off. Ok, so the shuttle was diverted from landing at Kennedy due to some bad weather there, so it landed in California. And then they had to strap it to the top of an airplane and fly it back. So they arranged a low low low flyover of the space center to let all of us see it. Once in a lifetime experience. And here's a picture taken by not me because I don't have a camera but check it out:

And to top it off... Rami comes to visit me on Sunday for a whole week! Yay!

I'm thankful for...

2008-12-06T00:42:00.003-05:00

First I want to continue the previous gender role commentary-- something I was talking about with my dad and other, very skeptical family members. How can you expect the software to not be sexist when the hardware naturally is. Women alone can give birth, can breastfeed. God created people with natural differences... and these differences lead people to assume certain roles. When a baby cries it is not crying for daddy, its crying for milk, mommy's milk. So it makes some kind of sense that women would naturally make themselves available to care for the children. Meanwhile, men naturally build more muscle than women, which would make them naturally geared toward leaving the home for the harsh wide world and hunt the buffalo for dinner or whatever. Now we've evolved as a society from that, maybe even made changes to the software that allows the women to leave the home and do the modern equivalent of hunting the buffalo (hehe, both grocery shopping and making the money) and can even do weird things like paternity leave, but maybe there is nothing wrong with recognizing that people are, by their genetic makeup, going to fall into certain gender roles because certain things are more naturally built in. I don't presume to say that my life goes against nature, or that stay at home dads are flawed. But I do mean to say that maybe judaism isn't that off. Especially since these things are not required, they are simply recognized. Would it be better if judaism expected the women who raise 9 children to show up at temple for shacharit... expecting them to leave the kids home sleeping and forget breakfast and cleaning and nursing just to better serve god? No, because the home is the future, those 9 kids are the future, and a religion should at the very least not prey on its own ability to continue. And at the same time if you do show up you won't be turned away, you can participate more than is required and you can make your husband cook dinner. Gender roles... Theyre more like guidelines then actual rules hehe.

Aanyways, what else is up? Went home for thanksgiving. Saw the family and Rami. Had a great family Thanksgiving dinner with all the fixings. But the real excitement is the weekend. My parents left for Orlando around 4 on friday, after we saw the new James Bond movie. And I must say I do enjoy the addition of an airplane chase and strafing to the usual menu of car chase and gunfire. Then Rami and I went to Shabbat dinner with his family, then we drove up to orlando. Along the way we stopped at the light show in Quietwaters park, and I got a really yummy steak and shake milkshake and *GASP* we ate in the car! Then the next morning we deep fried a couple turkey breasts for lunch while tailgating. Then the game.... we lost, miserably. But Rami got a super fancy press pass and so he got to shoot the game from the sidelines-- and he got 2 pictures of it published in the paper monday. And another pic from the game in today's Central Florida Future.

Then this week we started our discipline specific training, and we had our first test yesterday, followed by a whole lecture on what to look for when OJTing next time, which we will do in a couple weeks, after the new year though.
And tonight I called a little girls night.... 3 girls from work and one of the guy's wife came over. I asked everyone to bring a food or drink but people made more than one as did I. We had margaritas and wine and all kinds of snacks and sat around talking. Then the husband of the one girl and 2 guys from work that he was out with were bored so they came over, probably to eat our food which was totally fine cuz we had sooo much leftover. So it was quite fun. I was mostly cleaned up, have one pan left to wash when i cut my finger open on the blender blade and it was bleeding alot so I had to bandaid it and call it a night. Now I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend and getting some much needed sleep. Going home, with the early morning kitchen noise and wild tailgate parties doesn't really make it easy to get sleep. Especially when the weekend starts with a 4:30 wakeup call for an early OJT shift.

And since its midnight here, I think im gonna turn in.

Oh but what am I thankful for? God, and religion, and a chance to figure out my faith. Family, and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend. And for my awesome job and great coworkers Things are looking up. And its only 9 days til Rami comes to visit for a WHOLE week. And 11 days til New Hampshire. And 25 days til New Years. And hopefully less than a year til I'm certified!

Crazy couple of weeks

2008-11-25T20:42:00.001-05:00

First we finished the first 8 weeks of our training-- the ones that were not specific to the system we were gonna be working with but common for all the new operators. We learned about the MCC computer systems and all the different programs and tools available. We got an overview of all the station systems so we know how all the systems interact at a basic level. And we had command training. It used to be many many long pages of information you read on your own but they condensed it into 2 weeks of quick classroom lessons. And then at the end of that is an oral exam. And when you pass that, youre officially allowed to send commands to the station. Although what commands to send takes alot more training. Anyways, I got command certified on Friday... which I was nervous but it went ok and now I've passed. Its my first certification, so I'm happy.
And we've had the shuttle at the station so lots of opportunities to shadow on console (we call it ojt). We were asked to do at least 4 so I've so far done 3 and my last is tomorrow morning (6am-1pm). Its been cool I've seen 3 EVAs- space walks fixing things outside the station and some other cool learning stuff- how they handle a problem, how they have to evaluate what to do to fit inside the flight rules that are required circumstances for safe station operation. Lots of neat stuff. So it was fun, though tomorrow is gonna be a little rough. I'm getting up at 4:30 to make sure I finish packing. Then heading to an early work. Then straight to the airport when I'm done to fly home for Thanksgiving.
So thats mostly whats going on. One more topic....

Remember a few weeks ago I said I was trying to figure out the whole Chabad thing and I didn't know if crazy feminist Stephanie could ever button up and sit on the "other" side. But this one in Houston is different than the one Rami took me to in Orlando. The rabbi is really nice and sat down to answer my questions and seems to actually care whether I feel comfortable with these beliefs and am gonna keep coming back. His wife too, and the kids are so sweet, so well behaved, and the whole thing.. its like having family nearby.
So lets see the list, all the things that kinda freak me out:
Separated seating. Not being counted. Not being encouraged to participate. The traditional gender roles. Reading the Torah.
So to start, separated seating. Basically for the reason you think, which is that youre there to pray not be distracted by the opposite sex and their ankles, or whatever. Hehe I think its a little ridiculous that you cant simply expect people to focus on God and not on the hot girl next to them but I guess theres no denying human nature. My bigger problem is that maybe youre training people that women are a distraction which makes them less interested in working with women like me who pop up in so called mens professions and kinda contributes to the idea that women are more pretty faces and less strong, equal minds. But again, its probably true that a person you think is attractive could be a distraction and its kinda nice that theres none of the pressure to look pretty and be attractive, and none of the conversation... people really just go, shut up, and pray. And I will never accept separate education-- because women will be and should be in the same jobs, same classes; but when you approach god there can be this special, personal way of doing things.
Not being counted-- for this you need a bit of background on Judaism. Certain prayers cannot be said except in the presence of at least 10 men, a biblically rooted ban on gathering for nefarious purposes. Kind of a way to train people to meet for good reasons, with god in mind. So ok in conservative judaism everyone who has been bar/bat mitzvah'd is counted. That means men and women. But in Chabad, only the adult males are counted. You can have 100 women, but if you only have 9 men its just not enough. So that seems a little back of the bus, doesnt it? Why arent women counted? But actually it is because women are not required, like men, to be in the presence of 10 in order to say the prayers. Women can pray alone. Now this (and we will get to this issue in a minute) is becaue women are expected to have other duties... raising children, making dinner, keeping the household that may burden their time and not allow them the time to get to the temple to pray. So they can anyways. Its not a way to exclude women, its actually kind of a way to exclude men. Or lessen their stance in front of god. One woman can approach god all by herself and say her prayers, but a man requires 9 others to do the same.
I like a little encouragement to participate. But maybe that says more about me than about the religion. When I went to the Chabad by UCF with Rami the men all lined up to pray but nobody ever paid attention to the women, tried to get them to shut up and sit down. So they all stood in the kitchen and chatted and made me feel like there was no reason for me to pray, like nobody was listening. But thats not really true, because only god needs to listen and he was so who cares about the rest of them. However, it kinda turned me off to it that there was nobody leading my service, nobody standing next to me. But at this Chabad.. well first the womens side is not adjoining the kitchen. And also, though I usually get there early and the other people (men and women) trickle in, I have only been alone once and then I just grabbed a prayer book and followed along. But also when theres talking, the rabbi's wife sits on the womens side and pipes in all kinds of comments. The divider blocks the oppposite sexes from being seen, but not from being the same congregation. It was more in the logistics and members of the UCF Chabad that made it, and not a trait of all Chabads everywhere.
Gender roles. Orthodox judaism is one of the worst perpetrators of this gender role stuff. Even the stuff I have said so far, like the not being required to pray with a group because other household stuff may get in your way... thats indicative of a system that asks women to stay home and take care of the home while men are able and in fact required to go outside the home. And yeah theres all this stuff about how women are more introspective and naturally attuned to be the center of the home and whatever. Well thats only some women, thats not all women. But there isnt actually a rule that requires the women to take care of the children (just to, for obvious reasons, give birth to them) and theres no rule that requires the women to cook. And there is also nothing that prohibits women from getting a job outside the home. The law goes like this: if you dont want to work, your husband must support you. If you do want to work, you must add your earnings to the household pool and your husband is required to feed you and clothe you, though now partially with your money. However you can decide to keep all your own earnings and support yourself, but he is then freed from his bonds to support you. Basically, in ancient times women did not have the same earning potential as men so this ensured that they would be cared for no matter how much or little they could make. And if you make alot, you are then able to keep it all if you want to support yourself that way. Which ok, so it does have an overall air of gender roles but not hard line for women to follow them. In fact I can be super manly... i am never required to have children or stay home or not have a job. I can basically be whoever I want and am not bound to conform. Men are not so lucky... they are bound by the Ketuvah (jewish marriage document still signed today in its original aramaic [the jewish equivalent of latin]) to support their wives, and have to work to do so. And they are required by god to have children, which they are required to go find a woman to do properly.
Finally... Torah. Its the jewish holy book, I hope most of you knew that, and it is read on saturday mornings as a way of studying. And this, despite getting an explanation, i still dont really approve of. Its only read by men, who are commanded to hear it, and so, according to my rabbi, the commandment can only be fulfilled if you hear it read by someone who is also commanded to hear it... another man. Part of that whole women having more things to do and may not get to temple, is that they arent commanded to hear the torah because it could get in the way of household duties. So anyways, I dont realy like this still, because I dont really get why this holds true and it does seem to be devised to keep women separate and use their child rearing duties to hold them away from something sacred. Plus, I really liked reading Torah, and I hate giving it up. And I still plan to have my daughters have the chance to have a Chabad bat mitzvah where they dont read or a less religious one where they get to do everything. So when they grow up they will also have that to go back to and get to make their own choices like I am making. And maybe they'll like a more permissive, integrated, equal group and they will know that that is as ok as the choice I made in the opposite direction.
Anyways, I went back there for Friday night dinner last week and again, its so nice. The rabbi's wife is like the nicest lady ever. She said she was having a smaller shabbat dinner since her husband was out of town which still included all her kids that are still home, and 3 guests... and 4 courses. I just, thats not little, thats a big deal. Its nice, its different.. but I really like it.
So yeah, thats whats new in my life. And its almost bedtime since I have to get up super early tomorrow.

Awesomest Halloween since mom's red slipper prank

2008-11-02T18:58:00.004-05:00

Ok so in the pic at right you can see most of operator class 1 (I'm front row, 1st on the left) dressed as old timey apollo flight controllers (like you would see in apollo 13) for Halloween. Thats in the historic flight control room with actual consoles from back in the day. And if you look to the far right there's a door and through that door theres the dark and slightly creepy back room that used to house the AV equipment for the old timey big board. And if you walk through that room you get to a room in which station peeps run simulations. And because I am crazy awesome, this is the room where I have been taking all my command training classes and where I spend the next week taking more of them. Sometimes it is too amazing how awesome my job is. Also, because its funny, if you look to the back right you will see Mark, a fellow spartan, making a very important call to the president on the red phone. Well it would be red if this were in color. Actually I have the color version, but the black and white one is just amazing. You cant see it on me, but we all have amazing pocket protectors with little badge holders in the front.

So what else is up? It was actually a pretty good week. On Tuesday, it was Katie's bday so we went to this wine bar across the street from my apt complex and got drinks and some appetizers. Then I had my last softball game of the season at 9 and it was fun. I hope they let me play with them next season. And then on Friday we had to do presentations, which you know makes me nervous, but we were also dressed up for Halloween which made it fun and I think it went well despite my being nervous. On Friday night we went down to Rice Village and ended up at a really fun bar that played kinda 80's ish, countryish, popish, rockish music and I was driver so I only had 1 beer but it was alot of fun. Yesterday I was a bum ( I think I'm getting sick) and then today I went to the mall with Nicole and got a bunch of new sweaters and stuff to wear to work. Which is good cuz its been getting chilly so I've worn pretty much the same sweater over my work clothes all day every day which I think makes people think I dont own any clothes. Sadly, that was true, so I dropped a bunch of money on some sweaters, another pair of pants, and some more cute underwear. Also I really want a pair of boots but I just cant bring myself to spend the money. Maybe next year. I've always wanted knee high boots but I have big calves (muscle, and on top of that a nice layer of fat) which makes them either completely not fit or look odd and be uncomfortable if I can actuall get the boot on. Also I was productive enough today to wash my bed and clean out the fridge. Kinda proud of that. :-)

This week we have alot of command training classes, how to work the programs and the rules for when to use them... all for the certification to send commands to the actual international space station. I mean, we still cant use it until we get our real flight controller certification but... still pretty cool. Tuesday we start a little later but we have class until 9pm. And on Friday I have a flight to Orlando at 1:55 because its Homecoming!! I'm really bummed that classes didnt work out to get me back there in time for Spirit Splash which is my favorite UCF tradition ever. Its cold and its crazy and the water is obviously full of all sorts of stuff you dont want to think about but its also so crazy and so fun and theres rubber ducks!

A few weeks ago Rami came to visit. I planned out everything... we did a Shabbat dinner (that is a topic for a different, really long, and probably really boring entry), went to the Zoo (eh), went ice skating at the Galleria mall (yes, ice skating in the mall, it was lots of fun) and then out for a nice dinner. It was fun but now I gotta do better next time he comes, in December. The next 2 trips are mine, to Orlando next weekend and then to Plantation/Orlando for Thanksgiving.

So anyways, thats pretty much whats new these days. When I realize its already November, its just crazy. Time seems to pass quickly, I think its the absense of waiting for something. When youre at school you always are looking forward to that next break, the next semester, and to graduation. But with work, yeah I'm looking forward to the Christmas break (New Hampshire, Plantation, Disney World) and to the next time I get to see my family, Rami, and friends, and of course to getting certified (next freaking fall/winter) but its not as urgent a need to finish this semester, finish these projects, take these tests, and finally get to relax. Also, weekends are always for hanging out and sleeping in... theres no homework (they pay you to do that ;-)) Sometimes it seems to drag on, when I go a long time without getting to see Rami, getting to see my family, getting to hang with everyone that I used to hang out with all the time. But it kinda blurs and speeds up and it doesnt take long for the next important thing, next class, next weekend in FL to make it fade into the background.

Thats all for now. Love you guys!

Hurricane Ike and High Holidays

2008-09-24T20:58:00.002-04:00

So as you may know we had a hurricane here about a week and a half ago. They shut the space center down on wednesday when work ended and I came home to try to get some stuff ready-- bring my things in off the patio, do some laundry while there was still power and water, and talk to my mom. My original original plan was to go to Texarkana where my friend Elizabeth is living for her job, but that is 6 hours north before you start adding evacuation traffic (and mandatory evacuations were starting at 7am... plus at this point we were still expecting to go to work for some, if not all, of Thursday). So I decided it would be easier to stay in my apartment. I had canned food, water, flashlights, and nearly a full tank of gas which would have taken me to nowhere near Texarkana (as a full tank barely got me from home to Orlando and that is twice as far, plus sitting in bumper to bumper traffic with the AC on because its 90 degrees out there does not help gas mileage any) but would certainly be enough to last me for the few days after the storm. This was not my first rodeo, as they say, so I thought I would be fine. I think that was mostly fake confidence because I didnt really see better options, and not because I actually think I could have handled this storm on my own. Then my mom calls me freaking out about how I dont have a landline so if the power went out and my cell tower got knocked down I would be out of internet and cell reach and nobody would know what happened to me. Still playing brave I told her I would go find a payphone after the storm if I needed to and that it would be fine. Then she calls me a little later saying that she and my dad (usually the calm one, so I knew it was serious when she was in it) would pay for me to fly out to Florida the next day to avoid the storm. I was still pretending I would be fine in the storm but certainly wasnt going to turn down a trip home so I set to packing and preparing the apartment to leave the next morning. Checking my work email, the official word was to open the space center until noon and then let everyone go on evacuation leave to prepare and bunker down.
So I got up the next morning, with a ticket into Orlando booked for 8:20pm, and finished packing, collected the stuff from my fridge that was sure to go bad and get gross, shoved everything else in the freezer praying that a short power outage combined with the amount of frozen foods and me not being there to open the door might actually result in my food making it through the experience. I has been planning to make lasanga and tacos so I had all the ingredients and I didnt want to lose them all. I went grocery shopping the weekend before because, honestly, nobody believes hurricanes will hit Houston, especially in September. Its been 20 years since a hurricane came near houston and did any damage, and Ike was predicted to hit northern Mexico at that point. But we all know that when hurricane magnet Stephanie is involved Francis makes me turn 18 on the turnpike and ali turn 18 trapped in her parents house under hurricane lockdown, Wilma does a u-turn on the Yucatan peninsula and run right over south florida, and Ike shifts unpredictably up from Mexico to Corpus Christie, to right the fuck over my apartment basically. So I probably should have known.

Luckily my apartment had no damage, and the power was only out for 2 days so my mom says my food should still be good. I admit I'm kinda scared to try it though. You know how I feel about potentially spoiled food. And I got to spend a week in Florida pretending to be a UCF student and hanging out with Rami, and Heather, and other peoples. The space center got some damage and because of the lost week the shuttle flights have been pushed back and alot of people had some big damage to their homes. Mostly from flooding, and alot of downtown, which got the eye, had some windows in the tall buildings blown out. Predictable hurricane stuff, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting. Thinking back I never should have thought I wanted to go through another hurricane. Its hard, and the aftermath is no fun (no power, no showers, no internet, no restaurants, food from cans... its not fun), and seeing all the damage is eerie and reminds me alot of past hurricane trauma. So yeah, I'm glad I got out, I'm glad I got a little vacation rather than staying hidden in my apartment praying for things to get better. I am very grateful that my parents let me do this. And I'm glad Rami took me in for the week. And I'm very lucky my stuff made it through too. Its not as important as my life, but it does make things easier to not have to start over, even though insurance usually makes that a profitable experience, its a stressful one.
We got back to work this week, things are kinda out of sorts, and not too much is getting done. Alot of processing, trying to reschedule, and wrap our heads around things. The space center looks different, the trees, the tarped buildings. And the streetlights around are out alot which makes the driving suck. Next week starts the official training classes which were supposed to start last week. Also tuesday (well monday night) is Rosh Hashana. And that brings me to a great big dark cloud topic over my life....

Tuesday, smack in the middle of the first week of training, is not a day to go home for the holidays. So I have to find somewhere here. At school it was easy... go home if I could, go to Hillel if I couldnt. But here... I need to find a temple. And with my recent Chabad-ing experience, Rami said I should go there. They feed you, they pray, you don't have to pay though I have a good job so I will give them something, and you don't have to be a member. The problem is its rather far, down by Rice university and the UT medical school. Good thing about that is alot of young people, and I wont be the only one without a family. But I'm not sure its where I belong. I am giving it a try this weekend for Shabbat services and as long as it isn't some kind of terrible, awful, shoot me now experience it will certainly do for the high holidays. But I am starting to wonder... what if I could find a piece of my religion in which I truly belong. And further more, if it werent for Rami, I probably would have taken this new training as a good reason to give up the Jew thing altogether so maybe he was kinda sent to me to keep me from giving up my religion. If not, he's having that effect anyways. So then... we had used the Chabad website to find the Chabad in Houston. And then I started clicking around the website seeing what I could learn. I am still put off by the separation of men and women. And by the not counting women in a minyan. And by not letting women read Torah. It still bothers me... but I thought lots of people do it and maybe I could see what they had to say, maybe it would make some kind of sense. So I got to the section for women and found a rather interesting article, that you should read (or at least skim... it is crazy long): http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/385355/jewish/The-Back-of-the-Synagogue-is-Not-the-Back-of-the-Bus.htm

So ok its an interview with two women. One is the daughter of a rabbi, wife of another, director of some big Jewish school thing... one is a former christian feminist who converted to judaism and became orthodox afterwards. And they spend alot of time defending the position of women in judaism. And they make alot of sense. Women are respected, women are considered of higher sprirtual indepence-- the men need synagogue to guide them to G-d while the women instinctively can connect to G-d through their own minds. Makes total sense. And that the separation is because you are not supposed to focus on the people around you but send your prayers up. And that also makes sense.

But before you think I am going around the bend or something there is a... HOWEVER...
It still does not dispel the idea that women belong in the home, that their energy and spirituality should be focused inward on the home and family while men need and belong in the community. So I will, before deciding that I can spend any length of time past Nehila on Yom Kippur at Chabad, need to get serious answers from the Rabbi or someone there to these two questions:
1. Why, in 2008, does the separation still serve a purpose? Men see women alot, they go to secular school with them, work with them, see them in the world. And these people may avoid the world on Saturday but they still have to exist in it on a usual basis. So why, then can they not also sit next to them in prayer and still send their prayers up? And furthermore why should we perpetuate the notion that women are distractions?

2. Do they honestly believe that by choosing a big crazy career that will often take me away from the home, for believing that my husband will do most of the cooking, and for not being the sole or at least main childcare provider... by not following the normal gender role assigned by orthodox judaism to my gender do they believe that I am not living the way G-d wants me too? Serious question. Rami (and their website) says that the Chabad movement accepts you regardless of your level of observance. And I believe that. They may not look down on me or reject me for living that life, but the question is different. Am I not following the right path? Would they be ok if their daughters lived like this? Would they be upset if their sons married a girl like me? Tolerance of my different lifestyle choices does not imply condoning it or encouraging it or allowing the same from their own children. For all I know, having a real job, being the breadwinner for my family (as I fully intend to make way more money that the future mr. stephanie), is that like being gay? Yeah we'll welcome you, but we don't think you're living the way you should. I want to get a straight answer. I want the truth. And from there I will need to decide what that means for me.

I never really believe that Judaism devalues women. And this article certainly disputes that even more. I mean the religion of the child is the religion of the mother, that counts for alot. But I hold feminism and gender equality to a different yardstick than most. It is not enough to be equal, I want to be the same. And yes, maybe that ignores some physiological and psychological differences that are inherent in the genetic makeup of the different genders but lets separate out that. What makes a man: strength, mental capacity, penchant for toughness? I am not as strong... I cannot lift what a man can lift. But there are body builder women that can lift way more than a regular guy walking down the street can. However, mentally, I believe I am just as smart as any man. I believe that I can do my job as well as any man, and better than some. Ok and toughness... I think that comes from a variety of things. There are women at war, women who do tough jobs... cop, doctor, climbing moutains. Ok what makes a women: cooking, cleaning, maternal instinct? I can't cook for shit, and alot of men can. Like Emeril- I've been to his restaurant, its fantastic. And maternal instinct... it remains to be seen, but I don't think I've exhibited alot. While some men do alot of child rearing, teaching, babysitting.
What we are talking about is personal strengths... thats why I think people should be treated not only equal but the same. Given the same options, whether male or female, and let their own unique strengths come out. You can be a woman who wants to be a mom, but you can also be a woman who wants to be president or engineer. You can be a man who wants to be king of the boardroom, but you could also have a man who wants to cook or clean or be there for his kids. And that is personal, not gender specific. The thing about the more orthodox Judaism is that men have men roles and women have women roles. Both are significant, they are equal in importance and it takes two halves to make a whole... but they are not the same. There is no room left for those who do not fall in the usual roles. No room for a woman who wants to read torah or become rabbi or go outside the home for work. And no room for a man who wants to stay home and take care of the kids, who wants to cook. I always thought that Rami never got upset about this because he had the rights... but I see that men are just as restricted to their roles as we are to ours. I wonder if we asked the rabbi if G-d really wanted him to be the one to cook and clean and pick the kids up from school, I wonder if he would find that his path is not the "right" as much as mine isnt.

The bottom line is that maybe Chabad could be somewhere to belong. This is a very important time, I need to find the place I belong. I need to choose my relgious direction for my life.. it wont be handed to me the way it was, and I need to make a choice. Obviously its not permanent, but I feel that skipping this holiday, this choice would be a permanent step away from G-d. So, we will see. It would be nice to get answers I could live with, nice to find a religious path on which I belong. And maybe I will. Here's hoping.

Bad Behavior

2008-09-01T23:13:00.002-04:00

... and everybody's doing it.

But ok, lets start at the beginning. Friday. Left work, went to airport. Got on plane. Landed a few mins early in Orlando, ate at melting pot with Rami, watched some CSI: Miami. Fell asleep halfway through second episode, and again in the middle of third. Saturday: Got up. Met parents for IHOP. Tailgated in the occasional storming, often raining, sometimes sideways raining lovely Florida summer weather. But there were hot dogs and the redneck golf/ ladder ball game. And cheese and chips and dip and cookies. And all my favorite people together under 2 tents. Which was awesome, cuz I super miss all those people. Then... football. And UCF won. But there was more rain and the game got dull when we were up 10-0 in the third and things kinda slowed to a crappy playing stall. But Brighthouse Stadium gives me warm fuzzies, I truly love being there. Its like being a part of something amazing. After the game, BWW until midnight. Yay chicken!

Sunday: Met my parents for lunch at Tijuana Flats before they headed back home. Then Rami and I went on a great adventure. First to find his lab coat in sketchy OBT (out of business), then to Kissimmee (closed on sundays), then to play at Disney on the speedboat. We had to stop at a scary kmart and then finally a target to buy bathing suits because we were not appropriately dressed. I make a big fuss about the water and his inability to plan, but secretly love that he makes my life fun and interesting and a little off the beaten path. And it was fun, except when the scary boat honked at us, and when i started feeling a little dizzy toward the end (seasick, the humming motor finally getting to me, or something else?... idk). Then dinner with all the awesome people-- RAs, family, friends. I had a good time, the food was good, and though the rest of the night kinda overshadows it, at this point I was genuinely happy and yet sad that I had to leave it all behind for my supposedly cool big girl life.
After dinner the evening kinda pared down a bit: Me, Ali, Christine, Ben, Rami, and my sister and Stacy. Rami had to take his friend we picked up home so Christine sent me on a liquor run too. The liquor store was closed so we settled for a few 6-packs from walmart. The evening was interesting at first, but as the drinking continued, the bad behavior sprung up. And everyone was doing, with the exception of my sister and Stacy who were great except for the scary gay porn bit but it was not their decision to inflict it on the rest of us. I will start with myself, because the incident started with me anyways.
Me: Why did I bring up the sex? Why do I put Rami in a position to have his techniques criticized openly by others, and where there is no room for fault? Let me say this, my lack of, uh, the big O is my fault alone. He tries, I stop him, and it is not up to him to make it, its up to me to let go. Other things, too, that I have ever mentioned, me, mine, my problem. Rami got himself a virgin and that takes a bit of work. And it never gets easier to keep pushing the frontier. Think of all the people and oxen you've killed in Oregon trail. Anyways, I started it by letting the conversation go where it didnt belong, and by doing other things that you all may feel free to call me on because I know that I am not alone. Also, I precipitated the incident by getting pissy about something quite common-- a joking head push. But my neck was hurting from the boat and the weird dorm bed, and I was tired, and I guess in a mood... so I overreacted and yelled at him and things went downhill from there.
Rami: He overreacted to my overreaction, and things went so far away from in proportion that the line is a dot to us by this point. But his overreaction comes from other things...
Alcohol: Not actually a person, but certainly a factor. Say what you want about your state of drunkenness... there was silliness, yelling, loopiness-- all the indicators that people were feeling the happy juice. I had half a beer and I was feeling the happy juice. Everyone else present, but Rami, had had far more than that and were acting in kind. And drinking is fun, parties are fun, and the drunk people were of age and not driving so no illegal or even morally repugnant things were going on... until the shit hits the fan and you either behave stupid or you behave smart... and there was nobody behaving smart (except Ben maybe, he did alright).
Ali: I love you, you have always been my best friend and I hope you always were... but you are nothing but mean to Rami and you always have been. Yes the sex changed me, yes realizing that Eric was not the only boy in the world who could ever possibly like me made me behave and think of myself differently... yes I am not the same shy, timid person who sees fat girl in the mirror. I know that us growing up has given us new things to get used to... but this is no excuse for how you treat him. You don't have to like him, you don't have to talk to him when I'm not around, be his friend, ask him out for coffee... but you should behave civilly toward him because he makes me happy and he loves me and he is good to me, despite how this night panned out. You were mean... you were short with him, snapping at him. I told him months ago when I saw the tension that I loved you both and I asked him to be nice to you. And he has. But you do not return the favor. He sat there through tailgating, the game, lunch, dinner, and at the house just taking whatever you dished out. He did it for me because I was there for 3 days and I wanted to see everyone I loved, so he took it all in and tried to keep the peace. Is it surprising he eventually couldn't take it anymore?
Christine: You didn't really do anything awful, you got frisky as you got drunker (yeah, you left a hickey on my shoulder... and you kissed me square on the lips) which I think got a little hard for him to handle, and then when the yelling started you got right into it. I know you were trying to protect me, I know you always will and I love you for it. In retrospect, I don't think it was the best way, but I understand why you did it and I'm not mad at you for it. As I've said, everyone's behavior was a little bit bad.
Ben: Alot of the same, certainly he tried to get a handle on the situation the best way he could. Monday morning quarterbacking, you always see better moves, better methods, but in the middle of it all, the choices made are the best available.

So the story: After I snapped at Rami, he super snapped at me. Stormed out, threatened to leave me there. Christine protected me, as she thought (due to my overreaction) that I had been hit/abused/mistreated, only serving to escalate the fight to a white trash trailer park brawl which spilled into the sidewalk. There was threatening, yelling, pleading.. more yelling. And to diffuse the situation, I dissolved into tears (hehe, nice going) and gave my sister a hug while she went on beliving that I really was abused. RAMI WILL NEVER HURT ME. He is good to me, always. Takes care of me, loves me, goes out of his way to make me happy. He is not the only one in our relationship with a temper and a short fuse, and he is not the only one in that house with a similarly short temper, and he is not the only one in the world to ever get angry. He may yell, but he has never and I truly believe will never, lay a hand on me in anger. Hes a good guy, he really is. Last night was just bad behavior, all around. And everyone deserves another chance, so I hope we can all give each other the chances.

In the aftermath, in the car I begged him to take me back and let me say goodbye to everyone but he said I needed wait til everyone sobered up. Hes seen alot of bad shit, people behaving badly, alcohol making people bad and/or dead and I think he slipped into cop mode and needed to remove me from what he thought was a threatening situation. That they thought he was the threatening situation was a problem but I promise you, I was never in danger... in either place. He offered repeatedly to wait on the street outside their house development or return a few hours later once everyone had sobered up, but I was tired and upset and wanted to wait the night to let everyone get some rest and get some perspective. I think he was misguided but not malevolent. We talked more about what was said... hes sorry for getting into it with Christine, I know. And sorry for scaring my sister. And sorry to me for threatening to leave... he knows that pushes my buttons, knows that I don't ever want to be walked out on. But he did apologize for that. Looking at it now, I see that I did start it. And that everyone acted badly.
So I will start the apologies: I'm sorry for overreacting. I'm sorry for letting you all believe I was in danger. And I'm sorry for just giving in and going. I was tired, I was edgy, and I just wanted it all to end. So I made a choice. Thinking now, there were better options but I, like most of you, was embroiled in the situation and did the best I could with a split second decision.

I love you all, and I hope you don't hate me for pointing out what I see about the night. I hope we can all move past this and that you will all still love me when the dust settles. Because I love all of you. Call me after 6 eastern tomorrow... and maybe, if you feel like apologizing or commenting (or even telling me I am way off base and should give up)... come here, post something. Ok, love you guys. Now, finally, to bed. Its almost my birthday!

Where is home..

2008-08-27T20:11:00.004-04:00

So as you probably know by now, I went back to Orlando last weekend. It was mostly to see Rami, as my time with friends is this coming weekend, but I did manage to surprise my sister and Christine pretty good by having Rami invite them to dinner and then showing up. Hehe, so that was fun. And seeing Rami was great... But seeing the campus, and Orlando, was really hard. I spent alot of time in that airport, in that tower, in that dorm room, in all those places that used to be home. And now, home is in Houston and it looks really weird from the air, stuff I cant recognize.
I worked super long days in order to the the 9/80 which is 80 hours in 2 weeks but instead of doing 8 hrs for 10 days, you work the same number of hours in only 9 days, adding the extra 8 hours to the first 8 days. So I did that, which was alot of long days, in order to get out at 3:00 on thursday and get Friday off. My flight was late cuz of the weather in Houston, though of course the weather in Orlando wasnt any better, thanks to Tropical Storm Fay. Then we got Pita Pit (yay! super yay! love a pita pit gyro!).
The next day I helped him get ready for school... buying books and groceries. Then we went to services and dinner at the Chabad rabbi's house. It was certainly an interesting experience. In case you aren't familiar with the finer points of Chabad judaism... the women and men sit separate at prayer, the rabbi doesn't touch women other than his wife (like to shake their hand or anything), and theres hand washing and wine drinking and... Well you know me so you know how I take the whole women sitting separately thing. Its an equality thing, because separate but equal is not really equal, and a specific to my female engineer kind of feminism thing, because equal doesn't mean the-same-as and I don't want to be equal but different, I want to be the same. Its a holdover from the days when women weren't really educated in reading and writing and all the things necessary to pray, and so our non-praying presence was a distraction. And in general I do not like the hold overs from the days before women were equal because that, to me, is the same as holding over the idea that women are not equal. In specific its not equal because the rabbi (a male) stands over with the males and we in the women side cant see him. Plus the girls really arent given the same incentive to shut up and pay attention so they don't. It makes immersion in the service difficult, feels isolating. And I'm not sure that I will ever be able to mesh super girl power engineer with that separate and unequal dogma. But I thought about it, and I love him and I have decided that I can just button up and deal with it, if never learn to like it.
We saw the house bunny (cute but dumb.. as expected) and rented Untraceable (really good but not for those who cant do weird torture scenes cuz its bizzare and gross), and saw Deathrace which was actually really good, for what it was. Joan Allen, man, she is a scary lady. And I got pita pit and longhorn (mmm desert pear margarita) and steak and shake. And I got to go to publix. Which is just awesome, and Kroger can never compare. And we made funfetti.

Its weird because Orlando felt so much like home, all the familiar places, people, things. But then I got back, got into my car, and drove back to my apartment and this kinda felt familiar too. Instead of making me feel better though, it made me feel worse. Where is home? What is home? Do I really have a home? I don't know. Anyways, going back there tomorrow. Then I don't really know what, because operator class starts on the 15th and then we supposedly have about 2 months of this heavy scheduling with no days off expected and the Jewish holidays are using up any potential bargaining I have. I guess if nothing else Rami and I will have to see each other for a regular lengthed weekend, without the extra day. Would suck but better than not seeing each other at all. I wonder when time starts moving faster, when it stops seeming like a week lasts forever. I just wanna get into it and wake up and have it be 3 years from now, have this stuff mostly behind me.

One cool thing is going on... I'm learning russian. And its really hard. More on that later. Love you all.

Summer almost over..

2008-08-17T20:36:00.002-04:00

And it shocks me how all of a sudden that doesnt mean anything to me. Not really anyways. I've had interesting summers... SSTP in 03, that amazing summer hanging out with Ed and Bon until all hours of the night at Starlight Diner, SSTP counseloring, the cruise in Russia... and that brings us to this year. It sure has been interesting... graduation, the cruise, one last trip to Orlando, and then moving to Texas to start work. At which point the date stopped carrying meaning. Because with the exception of the week and a half we get off for Christmas (they tried to call it "winter holiday" break as if anyone believes its not because of christmas. As an aside, I am actually more offended when people pretend theyre trying to be inclusive than if they would just admit its for a christian holiday. Hannukah is both barely a holiday worth mentioning and not one that needs days off of school for, and over well before this Christmas vacation ever starts. If you want to be inclusive, give me holidays for the high holidays... or passover. Or stop pretending.)... anyways, aside from that break, and the weather, it might as well be any day of the year. As for the weather... the days are as hot but the rains have come back and I've noticed the evenings are getting cooler. In a couple months, it will be winter. And I know my new coworkers from Minnesota and Illinois will think I'm crazy when I start wearing sweatshirts and acting like hell is freezing over when the temp drops below 60, but I can't help that -40 degree winters are not in my experience. And though we do go to New Hampshire, thats a week and its usually pretty mild (in the teens) and I wear way more clothes in that situation too.

I'm a little bummed that until I have children, summer is just another 3 months of the year. I will miss having all the adventures I used to, but I guess its time to grow up. I am starting to get excited for the fall semester anyways. Probably more than ever before since I'm not taking classes so it doesnt mean homework and earlier mornings (although waking up at 6:3o is my life now and thats no picnic). What it does mean for me is football and trips back to florida. I am going back in less than 2 weeks to see, in no particular order: UCF football opener, Rami, parents and sister, friends, Pita Pit, and Steak and Shake. I will say that I miss those two restaurants, you just can't get a good gyro at 4am or a milkshake with hot fudge in it without them. What kind of horrible city doesnt have a Steak and Shake especially. So yeah, I'm excited for that. And I'm planning to go back for Homecoming too, and Thanksgiving which is a 4 day weekend, and then finally making it through those 3 months, Rami is coming in December for a whole week, then skiiing, then home, then to Orlando for New Years.

I can't wait for the next time I see Rami. Its as hard as ever, and I'm as lonely as ever, and hes with his family for late nights, unplanned activities... I don't get the chance to hear about his day because by the time he isnt doing something its bedtime. Then I gotta get up and he gets dragged off and its just hard... I feel like for the past week I don't really know whats gone on in his life. Bits and pieces maybe... but its isolating, and I'm already isolated enough way the heck out here without seeing all the people I used to see every day. I break down from time to time, most recently on Friday night. I'm just lonely and afraid of being forgotten. By him, by everyone. Heck even my mother momentarily forgot I didn't live in Florida anymore. I love my job and its a cool opportunity and its amazing but at the same time I keep thinking, what if I could have gotten a job at Kennedy? Or with Lockheed? Or Harris? I would be there. My friends would be closer. And the love of my life wouldn't be 1000 miles away. He would be at most a 90 minute drive. I guess its silly but I can't help thinking about it. And if we don't make it, I will forever wonder how different it could have been if I could have stayed. If I could have been a year younger or just a standard 5 year engineer and could have had a year left, another year to be with him. As in really with him.

Other stuff going on... Started playing softball with this group I met through work. It was fun but my body really hurt. Throwing shoulder obviously, but also my abs and my legs. The last was unexpected since I have been running for a while now. It was fun though, I have missed softball and this league isnt too competitive, its more for the fun so I enjoyed it.
Yesterday I played paintball for the first time. Went with people from work as kinda a going away event for an intern that goes to Univ. of Alaska in a frozen tundra thats dark all winter. It was kinda cool. It rained the whole time so it was really muddy and I was filthy. I'm also not great, but it was alot of fun. With practice and without the rain and maybe with a better face mask I think it would be even more fun and I would certainly try it again. It wasn't cheap, but also wasnt terribly expensive. $30 for the day, and we spent 5 hours there so it was alot of entertainment... plus possibly ruined clothes. After though, and I'm not sure why or what I did, my neck has been killing me. I think its muscle rather than needing to crack it and it hurts alot to turn my head to the right or lean forward. I was hoping overnight it would get better but it feels about the same.
And today, since it was sales tax free weekend, I did a little shopping. Bought some new bras and Express had their super expensive but really cute work pants on sale so I bought more. That brings me up to 5 pants I can wear to work, plus jeans on casual fridays, so I can throw a few more into the rotation. Disappointingly I'm still a size 10 there, and a 36 band size which is a little bigger than last summer when I last bought bras but I guess I like comfortable clothes so I wouldnt try to squeeze into smaller. And I think if I can reign my eating habits in a little better and keep up with the running, I can get a bit more in shape and fit back into my teeny jeans (ok theyre a size 8, not exactly teeny but there is something to be said for double digits. But theyre snug and make my butt look good, plus theyre dark enough to wear to work during the week so if I can fit them comfortably (I can already squeeze into them, but to sit for 9 hours I need them to really fit) I can wear them and have even more pants in my small work clothing rotation.

And I was looking for a place to get a bikini wax... couldnt really find one so I have a plan B and a plan C to put into work before I go to Orlando, but what exactly that is, is gonna be a surprise. I've also been looking for a place to get a haircut. I'm scared though, cuz I've never gotten my hair cut at like a random super cuts kinda place, and the same person has cut my hair since I'm like 8, she did hair for all of our bar/bat mitzvahs and if I somehow manage to get married in South Florida, I hope I can get her to do that too cuz shes awesome. And I never really went in with a plan, just said it needs to be shorter and a general length in mind and let her go at it. With a generic place, that could turn out really bad. But I guess how much do I care about my hear anyways? Not too much, so as long as they don't shave my head and expose the bump, I should be ok. Hehe. Anyways, I guess thats all I have to write. Gonna go rustle up some dinner before heading to bed.

Anyways, love you guys. Hope all is well with you. As you can see, I'm hanging in.

Sorry its been so long...

2008-08-08T20:57:00.002-04:00

Its been a long time since I've written.
Things at work have kinda settled down. For now its a waiting game for the actual training to start in Sept, until then we are basically doing get ahead studying and its interesting reading but you can only read technical manuals for so many hours a day. I try to break up the day by alternating some computer video classes that are sometimes useful and sometimes not so much, taking classes that I may actually end up taking again during the training because it is basically designed to start in the second week of work so no time for pre-reading. Anyways, I still like it, and if I ever start to get a little bogged down in the manuals I take a walk over to mission control and remind myself that I have the coolest job ever. :-)
In other goings on, we had a tropical storm this week. Cancelled work for a day and a half but it was barely a rainshower. Half the day was kinda cloudy, without too much rain. I was worried though, a little, cuz I have seen bad storms and I wasnt sure how bad this one would be. I just hope my coworkers who havent been through real storms dont think all hurricanes are like Tropical Storm Edouard.
And I have been hanging with some people from work. We have a good group... karaoke on thursdays, moving to fridays next week at this excellently Texas dive bar right near work. And then theres this other group that I'm suppposed to be playing softball with. We were supposed to have a game this Tuesday, then the weather got in the way. So we will see about this week. And going to see sisterhood of the traveling pants with a girl from work tomorrow night.

Today I finished week 2 of couch to 5k, starting on week 3 either tomorrow or sunday morning. I got kinda waylayed by Rami's visit and other physical activities but I wouldn't trade that for all the runs in the world. I'm on track now, and I'm sticking with it.

So theres that, and then theres Rami. Things have been rough. I dunno, I mean I'm really lonely. I barely know anyone, I come home every day to this empty apartment and eat something boring for dinner on my couch and go to sleep all alone in a big empty bed. I talk to some people on the phone, or online, but no matter who I talk to, including him, when the conversation is over I am alone again. But when I talk to him, even more than anyone else, I feel less lonely. I feel almost like he's here, like we're together again. And I really do want us to be together. I love him and I like talking to him and I like being around him. He makes me feel sexy and happy and smart and fun and special. The last time he was here was really nice. The first night we stayed up for hours... talking, having sex, just being together. Being apart has taught us to have better conversations. He's smart too, and funny, and sweet and I truly enjoy talking to him. I just hope we can survive this. In 3 weeks I go to Orlando for labor day weekend, for football, and my parents, but mostly for him. I love him. I miss him. And every time we are apart, every time he gets on that plane or (now) that I get on the plane leaving orlando on september 1st... it just seems a little less likely things are going to be ok.
He always seems really sure, that he loves me, that we'll make it. I wonder, alot, if its an act. If he really doubts as much as I do, but anytime I ask him, he always says we'll be ok. He always sounds like he believes it. Maybe I just hear what I want to hear. I want to be that sure....
I am sure of this: I love him. I really can see us being together forever. I am extremely attracted to him, physically of course, but also to his personality. And I am trying to keep it together, to keep us together.
But I am also worried... Its alot of money, its alot of time. And if we don't make it, it will be worse because I will not only miss him and be heartbroken but will have thrown away alot in pursuit. And every day that goes by, I wonder if he will decide its not worth it, that 4 years and 1000 miles are just too much. I wouldnt blame him, I think it would ruin a college experience to be thinking about your girlfriend in Texas. But I just have to hope in the end I'm worth it to him.

Anyways, as you can see I'm a bit of a wreck, but its nothing you wouldn't expect of me. I like to think, overthink really, and I always worry, and I have never been in love like this, never had this much to lose before. I mean this isn't just a guy, this is a whole imagined future. Marriage, house, kids, growing old together. I can see it all with him, I want it all with him. And if we don't make it, its like I've lost that entire future, lost my chance at happiness, at completeness.

Weekly Wrapup: visitors, work week, and the end of potatoism

2008-07-12T12:12:00.005-04:00

So my parents came to visit last weekend, and brought Heather and Josh. It was fun, having people here. And nice having a 4 day week. We saw Hancock which is better than expected and highly recommended. I was kinda bored of all the superhero crap going on but this one is actually pretty interesting. And saw some pretty great fireworks. Its nice that the area here has alot of middle of nowhere right next to somewhere, you turn off the main road and you're between swamp and farmland. So there wasnt light pollution which is nice. Also got to eat out at a bunch of different restaurants. And we drove down to the huuuge Galleria mall which was like Millenia only bigger. Theres an ice skating rink IN the mall for goodness sakes.

The week was kinda normal... went to some meetings, read alot of training manual stuff, watched some training videos. Every week the thermal group goes out to eat. Last night we went to a tapas restaurant across the street from my apartment. I'm starting to feel more comfortable, hanging out with coworkers and stuff. Theres a couple of us new people, I'm the only power one, theyre all life support so I wont see them much once the training classes start, but they're nice and I guess not working every day with them would make it more fun to hang out outside work. Tonight Nicole and I are going to see Made of Honor in the dollar theater. I have already seen it and its not exactly an amazing movie, but its not like I have anything better to do and it is the dollar theater. So it should be fun. I'm happy to actually have somewhere to go. I hope she doesn't somehow come across this and think I'm crazy and desperate... but I kinda am desperate to find friends. Its lonely living here not knowing everyone. And I think all of us from out of state are in the same kind of situation.
The one cool thing this week at work was the EVA on Thursday. And it was cool cuz we went to mission control for a bit and watched the streaming video from the ISS. I geeked out a little about how cool it is that at my job I can just go hang out and watch mission control. So, yeah, I was happy and felt cool.

Other important thing... I started running again. Its been over 6 months since I ran. I actually remember the day I last ran, I was still at UCF working in the dorm after the end of the semester, cuz the fall semester ended on a monday and then I had the following weekend duty. And I remember texting a couple people to tell them I was leaving my phone home. And I ran for 25 minutes straight that day which was the longest sustained run I've ever done. So, yeah then I went home and things started to pick up with Rami and then it became my last semester and there was all kinds of stuff to do-- school, work, job searching, and hanging out with the people that I figured I would have to leave when I graduated. Which is indeed what happened since I live in Texas now, and alot of other friends I graduated with are spread out around the country. And then packing, unpacking, settling in. And it was just time to make excuses. So wednesday I went out for the first time in a really long time and I sucked, and I didn't get very far and it felt just like the first time almost 2 years ago when I decided it was time to be a runner. And oh, the next day, I could barely walk. OUCH! So today I woke up at 9, couldnt sleep anymore, and grabbed some breakfast then went for a run. I'm going back to couch to 5k. So anyone else who's interested in some accountability that wants to join me?

My ultimate plan is to be back in those size 8 express jeans because they're nice enough to wear to work but now they're too snug. And because after Rami comes next weekend, the next time I have plans to see anyone is Labor Day weekend, when I'm coming to Orlando and then I'll be seeing EVERYONE (my parents, all my friends who still go to UCF, and Rami) so I want to be in better shape by then. Its enough time to get through the first 8 weeks (of 9) of the program. Anyways, yeah, thats the plan. And thats the scoop. Gonna go find some food. Love you guys! :-)

3 Weeks in...

2008-07-03T21:26:00.002-04:00

So I have officially survived 3 weeks in my job. And there was nowhere near the trauma involved in my first week of RA training where I overslept, tore my pants, and ruined one of my favorite shirts. For the first week there was alot of administrative stuff... a generic company training about time cards and IT security and stuff on the first day, and the day to go fill out the stuff for our security clearance check. Then week 2 was something called training academy, for new people in the Mission Operations Directorate (how cool is it that I'm part of a "directorate"? sounds so official!) So the good thing about that is that I met some other new people and we went on some tours and listened to some overview stuff. And week three was basically just reading. Our official training, the stuff that makes us ready to be flight controllers, isnt until September so until then I am basically sitting at my desk reading the manuals for the systems I'm gonna be working with. Its not particularly exciting but I am learning stuff. The dizzying tech drawings are getting a little clear which is kinda exciting.
And I'm sitting on MY couch. Like really mine. Its comfy and big and has perfect height armrests to serve as pillows when lying down. And I have already damaged my bed with some ill placed handcuffs. Well worth it. Now that I've gotten all my stuff the place is kinda a mess. I set up my TV and all my peripherals and the built in wall unit for TV stuff actually works really well with my setup. Its getting there. Slowly but getting there. I like my apartment, the space seems about right thought I could go for a few more kitchen cabinets. I want to not move out of this place until Rami graduates and moves out here, though we'll see what hurricane season brings because I am in the second evacuation zone of 4 and they did get evacuated for Rita in 05 (we just got the hurricane safety briefing at work, the other two people who started on the same day as me were a little freaked out cuz they're from the midwest and theres no hurricanes there). Its way too much of a hassle to evacuate, so if I get evacuated this year, I'll have to look for a place farther inland. But otherwise, it would be so much easier to stay and settle in. In the past 4 years I've lived in 3 different places and moving that much is no fun. It would be nice to stick to a place and get comfortable.
As for life... well I miss Rami terribly. And I miss home and my friends, I'm comfortable here and its starting to look like home but it all feels kinda temporary. Until I really make friends, I'll always feel a little lost and out of place. And my life really is holding, waiting for Rami. If we are going to be together, and I hope and think that we will, then I can't move forward, I can't make plans, I can't get married and have kids and make my whole life... I can't do any of that until he graduates. In 4 years I'll be old. Almost 26, thats like true blue adult. And faced with being a real adult, having a job, owning furniture, paying my electricity bill and my cable bill and my car insurance... thank god I dont have to worry too much about what I can afford. I mean I'm not gonna go crazy and spend everything, but I can't imagine how much energy it consumes calculating every month, every purchase, and counting whether you can make ends meet. At least I know I can afford the important stuff like power... and internet, hehe. I dont know it just feels like I would like my life to start sooner. Like I want to dive right in and wake up next to him every day and go off and be grown up and... I dunno. I don't blame him for being young, its certainly nobody's fault (except UCF's fucked up chem department) that he has to stay there and I have to be here. I don't know... it just sucks to have to wait so long.
And theres so many ways it could go wrong, so many ways we could fall apart along the way. What if I wait all this time for a failure? What if, in the end, its just not right?
Anyways, enough of this. Gotta finish some laundry cuz my family is coming tomorrow and I need the place to be ready for company.

Not in Florida anymore...

2008-06-06T19:39:00.003-04:00

So can I begin my list of Texas nitpicks here?
>Its hot. Thats the first. And you're thinking well Florida is hot too. Oh its not the same. Its disgusting and humid and rainy and hot.
>And Texas isn't the first T in the drop down states. That bothers me too. And everytime I've written my zip code it says 3377573
>The people are slow... they drive slow, they talk slow, yesterday at target i think grey hairs popped out for how long it took her to ring up my crap. Yikes. In Florida things are fast, and I like it.
>I let a guy in front of me the other day. Like I actually let him in-- I stopped, I waved, I gave him plenty of room, and when he was kinda slow I did not curse him out.. What the hell happened to me? Clearly I am being corrupted.
And...
>There aren't enough turn lanes-- people turn right from the right driving lane in my way. And there aren't enough lines on the roads or directional signs.
>Plus its central time. Which is weird. Cuz my shows are on wrong and everyone I know is an hour ahead and I feel a little lost and unhinged knowing that its not the time it should be.
>And then theres the matter of how spread out things are. And how you can be in civilization and then go a block away and there's nothing. Just miles of unimproved land. They call them improvements for a reason, for god sakes be a freaking city not some weird rural urban sprawl.

So I'm finding it difficult to adjust. Here are my travels so far:
Wednesday we arrived and I rented a car from Thrifty. Don't rent from them. Theyre grumpy and mean and over paperworked and they charge as much as anyone else. The car was fine and all but I think alot of other places are way better with the way they treat you. She made me listen to a huge spiel about damage insurance even though I didn't want it and told her so. She's like well let me just tell you... and I don't know if thats because I was under age or didnt look like I knew what I needed or looked like I could be talked into something that is clearly a waste of money. But whatever, she treated me crappy.
Then I went to Rooms to Go and bought all my furniture. I'm lucky that they gave me a great limit on my credit card so I could buy my couch, coffee table, and bedroom set to pay by 2009 without interest. That will be delivered next Wednesday so until then I'm in the hotel with my mom.
Thursday I got up, did some shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond (found my bedding stuff and a shower curtain and stuff).... you know how they send you like a billion coupons. I came armed with 38 coupons collected from my grandparents and my house. Saved $100. Thats like getting my sheets for free. Hehe. Then I checked into my apartment. The rug is a little spotty but it smells like fresh paint and the rest of it seems nice. I think it'll be great living there, really feel like I made a good choice in apartments. Then more shopping-- and Target and Home Depot for cleaners and other stuff I'll need. And I got a little vacuum so I can clean. (Hehe. Hehehehe. As if I will clean. No... I really wanna be responsible and clean and stuff.) And we found another good restaurant and the cool boardwalk. They have like actual boardwalk-y things, like a ferris wheel and a wooden roller coaster.

Today I did more shopping (Sams, Wal Mart) and bought a second TV for the cable guy to check the install if he wants and to keep in my bedroom. My stuff wont get here til at least the end of next week which sucks because I will have little time to organize and I miss my Tivo terribly. Then I almost finished my defensive driver course, just in time to get a Texas license. Seems like a waste of effort. What happens if you get your license suspended for failing to comply with the court order after you already surrendered it in another state to get a local license? Heh, I kid. I'm obviously gonna do it. Except for speeding, I really do obey the law.

Now tonight is Battlestar and then we get up early tomorrow for the cable guy to install my new cable and internet. Then off to shop in downtown and see an Astros game. They have a domed stadium... aka inside and air conditioned. I could get used to that. :-)

Updates

2008-05-21T19:56:00.003-04:00

So this is whats going on. I called and pushed my start date back to the 16th. This way my car will get there right when I get there and my stuff will get there a few days later, and I'll still have a few days to unpack and settle before starting. Otherwise I would have had to cut my impending Orlando trip short to come home and meet the movers OR take a day off my first day of work to meet the movers on the other end. This will be better. And I am now calmer.

And I got my graduation present from my parents: a new laptop. It is a HP Pavillion and its really pretty. The screen is awesome and its got a well-reviewed AMD dual core processor and alot of ram and a big hard drive and it was on sale. And it doesn't get hot and scorch my lap like my old one. I'm typing on it right now. Also... built in webcam so if you miss me I can now chat in person. Its cool, I used it this afternoon. And I will be offering virtual tours of my apartment as soon as I get moved in. But now I'm faced with the daunting task of actually setting up this computer. Re-storing all my passwords, transferring my pics and music, and reinstalling all my programs. Priority one was firefox and aim, so thats done but my firefox settings are all wonky. Anyways I'm heading up to Orlando and then I will hopefully have some time to do everything there.

Also, now I'm stuck with Vista because it costs $300 to buy the XP operating system and they were gonna charge $160 to install it. I didn't want to try installing an operating system by myself but $460 seems a little ridiculous for a soon to be unsupported OS just because I'm too lazy and stubborn to learn Vista. So... yucky though it is, I have it. Luckily I still have my old Office disk from my last computer so I don't need to upgrade to 07. New Excel and I will never get along and they will have to forcibly refuse to run 03 on my computer before I give it up. The others are fairly standard but not Excel. Sucks!

And finally, the best news. I'm coming up to Orlando which is exciting but also sad because it'll be my last time there until Homecoming and it'll never be the same again. Its weird having to go to Orlando and not stay in my own bed... I'm crashing with people and plenty have offered to put me up but Orlando really used to feel like home. Especially just this last year, with my job keeping me from coming back to my parents' house so much, and all my coworkers and my friends and my boyfriend all feeling like family. I really felt at home in Orlando. And then I left and now I'm just a visitor. But its good. I'm glad to get to visit. And I hope by the time I spend 4 years in Houston it'll start to feel like home too.

Mental Picture

2008-05-18T13:04:00.000-04:00

I just want to save last night like a mental picture so I can remember, when I'm all alone in Houston, that things were better. Rami and I went to the baseball game with my parents. We got subs from La Spada which make these ridiculous sandwiches with a ton of meat and a lot of really good veggies then they cover it with more meat so it makes like a pocket of fun inside your food. And the ingredients are all really good... especially the italian meats. Ok anyways, so the food was good and the Marlins won and I just had alot of fun. And it makes me sad that these are 3 people that I'm gonna miss alot. I really enjoyed being my parents' kid, they made it fun (usually) and theyre cool people. And now I have to be a grown up, I know they're not just getting rid of me but it'll never be the same. And I don't know if it will ever be the same for me and Rami either. This could have been the last really great night we'll ever have. I don't want it to be. But I do want to remember it. Just in case...

In other news... PACKING starts tomorrow. I emptied out my car so I have to go through the boxes and see what needs to go to houston and what doesn't, go through my room and pack more stuff, and repack my plates in a bigger box that will actually close around them (theyre too tall for my current boxes). So... yeah should be exciting. By which I mean excruciating. But the sooner I finish, the sooner I can go to Orlando and say goodbye to everyone one last time.

Ok its dinner time. Gotta go while my mom is still willing to feed me.

Stress!

2008-05-17T11:28:00.000-04:00

As in, the only thing I got from my recent apartment hunt. Aside from, of course, an apartment. My mom (thank god she came with me because I would have fucked this up royally if left to my own devices) and I flew into Houston. We first went for a drive around the mall and saw a cute little apartment complex right behind it. Then we went to the hotel and googled it.... and some other things. This was how we found the other apartment complex we saw that day. The first was a little further down the road and was stuffy and expensive ($830 a month). Contrast that with the second place which had a sand volleyball court and a pool table and a little theater in the clubhouse and was about $30 cheaper. The next day we saw a million places. Some were old, some were really new (like still under construction). Some were really expensive (the highest one clocking in at $955... but they had an infinity pool overlooking the lake! hehe like I am moving to Texas for the swimming pools). By the time the day was over I couldn't remember one's crown molding from another vaulted ceiling or one linen closet from an in unit washer and dryer.
At the end it all we had narrowed it down to two... the cute one from the first day and one from the second day. So we decided we'd go back to both of them. Google maps put one at 6 miles 12 minutes from work and the other at 4 miles 11 minutes. Why two more miles and only one more minute? Traffic. Especially around the mall. While the other is 2 miles on Farm Road 270 which has, as you can imagine, nothing on it. No stop lights, no shopping centers... just a nice view of some swampy lake as you drive. That apartment is a little farther from civilization, though there is a grocery store right down the street (Farm Road 2094) in one direction and a big shopping center in the other: Super Target, Super Wal-Mart, Chili's, Chik-Fil-A, Payless Shoes, and some ubiquitous chain called Darque Tan (I will never understand why people in either Florida or Texas go to tanning beds... I walked to class and felt like I was in a tanning bed, save the paid sun for the people in New Hampshire and Utah). And the Kemah boardwalk which has a ferris wheel and a wooden roller coaster and is like this cute little seaside town with a bunch of seafood restaurants that look only a little sketchy. I guess you can figure by now that this is the one I chose.
And thats where the stress comes in: There were two things the other had going for it. First, it seemed geared a little younger and they had alot of activities already in place, like a card night every month and movies in the clubhouse every week. Second, it was in a really busy place-- this was a pro and a con, as you can see by my discussion on traffic. But it was near the mall and a bunch of restaurants and I wonder if I chose the other subconsciously to avoid being social and being able to go out. Am I putting myself in exile in South Shore when I could have lived nearly on top of a mall surrounded by 20-somethings? Maybe. After all I chose UCF over UF because I wanted to live somewhere with real things going on instead of Hicktown, Florida. This is kinda the opposite decision, to skip traffic and mall rats in favor of the quieter, prettier, just like Amityville-from-Jaws kinda town. So I am stressed over the decisions I made, but I guess its too late now. You want to know what was the biggest reason I chose the one over the other? Furniture placement. There was a place for my TV that left a big wall for my couch AND allowed me to watch TV from the kitchen. I guess I did have to decide whats most important to me. I have one TV and one Tivo and if I can't always watch them, what good are they.

After deciding on an apartment, my mom and I went to Rooms To Go. I found a bed I really like. http://www.roomstogo.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=showRoom&roo_id=1041 And a couch I think will be awesome. It is a sleeper couch of course, so you all can come visit. Its got low armrests so I can lie across is like a bed, and its comfy and microsuedey kind of material and... yeah I'm excited for my real furniture. http://www.roomstogo.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=showItem&ipac_id=14922 Also my parents have a cool table where the top rises up to be like real table level and pivots closer to the couch, perfect for eating on the couch. Since I have always eaten in front of the TV, I don't expect having a real job to change anything. But I dont't know if I can afford one. Or, even if I can, if I want to spend that kind of money right now. But we'll see. Also I went to Ikea yesterday and found a kitchen table with 4 chairs for $99. That place is funny. The Ikea in Houston is really far so I think I might buy the table here and have the movers move it to Houston with the rest of my stuff.

Then on Thursday since all the work was done my mom and I went to the space center. We went on the tram tour and saw the historic mission control and the Astronaut Training Facility. I went to both places... but I got to go in. On the regular people tour they take you to like viewing areas, separated by glass. Haha. So I felt special, showing my mom the places I saw and telling her things I knew that the people giving the tour didn't say. And one guy said "How do you know this?" "I'm gonna be working here," I said. "How much schooling do you need to work for NASA?" "Just a regular 4 year degree... in aerospace engineering." Yeah, I'm smart. So that was fun. Am I full of myself? Maybe just a little. But with the cool job I got I think I have a right to think I'm awesome. What do you think?

So you're thinking, save somethin for the next entry. Alright. That's all folks! ;-)

Can I go back to college now?

2008-05-08T16:58:00.000-04:00

Ok so I graduated. By which I mean I squeaked by with a D- in propulsions (that guy is crazy!) and walked across a stage in a black smock that made me look quite dumpy. Heh. But anyways, I have decided that since I'm an "adult" maybe its time to leave Xanga behind and go for something more sophisticated. Something where the font is prettier and and the url is less jumbled and the archives are not full of my depressed teenaged ramblings about asshole ex boyfriends and stupid things I've done. Besides, it leaves more room for stories of current stupid things I'm doing.

So I graduated. And I have pretty much my dream job starting in a month. But theres plenty of crazy things to do first, and plenty of crap to complain about. So you'll hear it all... the friends I left behind, the boyfriend I miss, the packing, the unpacking, the search for the perfect pullout couch and my first big girl bed. Oh, and theres the tiny matter of finding an apartment. Eek. Its scary but I hope exciting enough.

Comment excessively please, as always. See you in the next post!